How To Keep Him From Cheating

What a load of crap (the target of the article). I know way more women who cheat than men. Men being the only or predominate ones who cheat is such an old and stupid stereotype.

Yes of course it's all her fault he cheats. Unbelievable. Is it all his fault if she cheats? She felt unnappreciated? Where is the article. How about the fact that we are decended from nonmonagamous apes. No that would be too logical.

Q: What can couples do to get a relationship back on track and sustain it?
A: 45-minute uninterrupted time alone talking or playing board games or reading.

OMG - what terrible, lethal advice. Ladies - spend your 45 mins f***ing your man! That's the best medicine. If you think you'll connect playing bored games or reading, don't be surprised when he looks somewhere else for sex.

The idea here seems to be that men will cheat and women should expect it if they are not willing to actively stop him from doing so, even if it means going black ops on your husband. On the other hand, women who become discouraged and cheat are often immediately outcast as sluts and "homewreckers". I just seems very unfair that the bulk of the responsibility of marriage seems to be placed on the women's ability to (for lack of better words) entertain her husband. You know it's understandable when you have a 5 year old and you've fallen asleep on that child one too many times and crayons end up inside the VCR, or juice gets spilled, etc. The child knew it was wrong but did not really understand the implications of his actions. The same can not be said for cheating on one's spouse and I am sick of men getting a pass for it. Most men understand that an affair can end their marriage, at the very least if they get busted the marriage will be broken (like the VCR), but unlike a real child, the husband is immediately aware that he must hide his affair and decieve his wife in order to keep what he has. Which begs the question, if it was so bad in the first place, why even lie about cheating? Why not say "You don't appreciate me so I went else where !" I'll tell you why...because it's crap, plain and simple. It's a cop out to cheat and you may be able to justify it while your in the act but you can't really defend yourself once it's over but still there is a huge campaign to help women "understand" why men cheat and thus get over it. I just have a question for the Dr. How many of these 200 men were cheated on and how many times did they forgive their wives or were even urged to forgive her ? ....for the kids...or for loves sake..or what ever. Men don't want to be perceived as bungling idiots but they will glady play the part of it means getting away with selfish crap and it is so old and tired.

The case for it not being about the sex but about being appreciated would be a lot stronger if there were a lot of cases where men had affairs that did not involve sex.

Good article. I'm interpreting it as not just about "men cheating", but what leads to affairs by either/both spouses. It's pretty insightful, if not plain obvious, in hind-site.

The only issue I have with his viewpoint is the approach of the spouse with "there's a problem, what are we going to do about it" - sort of just laying it all in the cheating spouse's lap, rather than interdependent, creative, pro-active engagement. Of course cheating by itself, as the article states, is the sole responsibility of the cheater, but the relationship always takes two, engaged in the health of the relationship in an interdependent, creative, pro-active way if the root causes are going to be resolved and/or avoided.

Good article. I'm interpreting it as not just about "men cheating", but what leads to affairs by either/both spouses. It's pretty insightful, if not plain obvious, in hind-site.

The only issue I have with his viewpoint is the approach of the spouse with "there's a problem, what are we going to do about it" - sort of just laying it all in the cheating spouse's lap, rather than interdependent, creative, pro-active engagement. Of course cheating by itself, as the article states, is the sole responsibility of the cheater, but the relationship always takes two, engaged in the health of the relationship in an interdependent, creative, pro-active way if the root causes are going to be resolved and/or avoided.

Instead of empowering women by telling them to spy on their husbands, why not tell men to grow up? Tell them to stop causing so much pain to the people around them. Teach them to ask for whatever it is that they need from the marriage rather than just destroying it by cheating.

This isn't empowering women - it is finding an excuse for a husband to cheat. We are all responsible for our own actions and when one spouse cheats it hurts everyone in the family. Instead of telling wives to spy on their husbands, why not tell men to grow up and learn to ask for what THEY need in the marriage?

I have been with my husband for 15 years. we are still relatively young ( 34). When we started the relationship we were great to each other and I could tell that he loved me very much. He didn't have to ask me for anything and if he did, it was given freely. I was affectionate, attentive, and supportive. Eventually, I got pregnant with our first child and I was excited to be having his baby. I just knew he would be there every step of the way. Well, as my body expanded so did his interest in other women. I finally found out when I was 8 months pregnant and I was devestated. After the baby was born, I took him back but he would never answer my questions about what happened but still we tried to make it work. The curiosity, jealousy, and insecurity ate me up. Well, after years of doing anything to make it work, to the point of looking like an idiot, I finally decided that no matter how much effort I extend he would never appreciate it so I gave up. I was discouraged until I gave up but I didn't cheat even though he already had. Now I find myself in heated arguments about why I don't come on to him anymore, why I act aloof, why have so many things changed about me since the "good ole days" and the one thing he continues to say to me is the he "doesn't feel appreciated, anymore" well you know what ? I haven't felt appreciated in years but catered to his "manly need for appreciation" anyway, thinking that I would "lead by example" well that turned out to be bullshit. Please understand I was a real trooper...sex every other night, cooking, cleaning, space when he needed it, and I have my own money as a matter of fact, I AM THE BREADWINNER ! I never got a thank you and it took 4 kids, 15 years and finally emotional abandonment to even get an apology. Now how am I supposed to go back and put myself in that position of needed him after he abandoned me for all those years. I put him first and both of us forgot about me. I now want out and he cries daily but I don't give a ***. So I said all that to say this...feelings of appreciation should go both ways, preventative measures should go both ways. Someone mentioned that there was no at the ready advise for men on how to keep women happy and faithful so why should our relationships be consumed with counter measures to stop the hubby from cheating. He already committed ! So if he can't keep up his end of the deal, rather than join his pity party...recognize the game and get out while you still recognize yourself.

Our marriage is better after his affari than before. We were forced to address issues that we had simply tried to sweep under the rug. I would not want to go through it again, but we are happy and reconnected six years later.If you have kids, like we did at the time, it's hard to look at them and feel that THEY don't deserve you giving your husband a second chance. I did and it paid off. He IS a very good man...wrong place at the wrong time.

I love this article. It really makes sense. My mom, who has been married to my dad for 36 years, told me when I got married that you should not treat your husband with any less courtesy than you would offer to a stranger on the street, and that if he does something for you, you should do the appropriate thing and say "thank you" - even if that is just buying dinner or bringing home groceries.

Fact is, men -- and women -- if you are a cheater, you are a liar. Doesn't matter how unappreciated you feel, how much you feel justified in punishing your spouse for her or his defects -- you are still a LIAR, undeserving of anyone's trust, and you'll have to live with yourself being that way. There is always a way of dealing with problems in a relationship that doesn't involve selling out your integrity. Talk honestly... do marriage counselling... do an inventory of who's doing how much work and adjust until it's equal... get meds or other treatment for a partner with mental illness... take responsibility yourself for making that together time... understand that sresses tend to divide, and compensate with love and "closing ranks"... analyze whether you've felt unappreciated in more than one relationship and realize that if so, it has nothing to do with your spouse and dates back to your family of origin... hey, have an open relationship so both of you can wander and no lying is involved! ...and if all else fails, honestly break up. Being out of integrity is NEVER necessary.

This is a "global" issue in all relationships whether marriage, friendships, work, etc. Continual criticism and no appreciation is the ultimate "wedge issue" to drive people, institutions apart.

You had me until "read his email, check his phone records, and track him by GPS." When does the suspicion, paranoia and distrust become more unhealthy than the (potential) infidelity?