The Ultimate Homework Assignment

Wendy--this is a very insightful, caring and personal article. Your approach to your father's death showed openness, compassion and acceptance. I agree with your plea for early education, acceptance of death and dying and understanding thereof. This may help break down some of the pervasive prejudice in our culture against aging and the aged. I believe that a vast improvement for each of us is in store if we learn to accept death as a natural part of life, to comfort those whose loved ones have died and to integrate the aging and aged as valued citizens. My deep condolensces for the loss of your father.

I completely agree. I tried to bring this up with my dad and only got a few, one-word answers. I am worried for their deaths because we are immigrants and I don't know where the burial would take place. My dad also wants to donate his body to science, and I don't know the legal proceedins behind that. I also don't know anything about wills. I'm going to send this artcile to him. Thank you for writing it.

Absolutely true! This week (Oct12-19) is National Advance Directives Awareness Week. As a pediatric hospice chaplain, I've been part of several community educational events trying to help people understand more about advance directives and end of life planning. We spend so much time preparing for the birth of a baby, but hardly any time at all preparing for our own or a loved one's death. Yet, death is the only thing that is guaranteed in life! Thank you for the article with very good educational suggestions. And thank you Newsweek for highlighting this most important topic.

Wendy, I'm in awe of your wise words and embrace your vision of our culture "becoming death-acknowledging" rather than "death-denying". In the early 1980's, my 5 year old sister died after a three-year battle with cancer. At that time, I was in the 8th grade, and many of my teachers and friends had no idea of what to say or do. Your thoughts about creating a secondary education curriculum for end of life issues are right on, and I imagine it would be immensely helpful for all of our youth who are currently dealing with the death of a loved one (or will inevitably deal with the death of a loved one). Thank you!!!

Wendy, You are right, there is no reason that kids shouldn't learn how to deal with death so they are prepared for death as well as for life. I'm also going to make your article required reading for my kids and my darling denying husband. I have already forwarded this to my local school board which sets the curriculum for the school required health classes. Thanks for writing such a thoughtful, insightful look at a natural process which carries with it such a stigma for Americans. I particularly like your suggestions for preparing for the expected by having accessible files for surviving family members to refer to for information on your wishes and history. Again, thanks for these thoughts, especially during your time of mourning for your father. You are a thoughtful person to try to help others while you are suffering.

Wendy--thank you so much for contributing these incredibly important words. In the past two years, my father has experienced a great deal of loss and pain, he has lost life-long friends and close family members to an assortment of health conditions. My father and I have always been very close, however when he was experiencing the emotions in response to these events, it was the first time I truly felt uncertain in how to act around him, in what to say to him. Over time, speaking about death has become more natural, and we have since spoken about the many dimensions of death and his concerns about how the deaths of his friends have impacted him, and what it means for his own feelings regarding death. There is something quite therapeutic and significant about discussing death in this manner, even if it is just learning a family member's views on organ donation or cremation. I feel as though I know my father better, and that we are much closer. Your article has helped me to identify with this process, has allowed me to reason through it, and identify the incredible value and potential in it.

Wendy--thank you so much for contributing these incredibly important words. In the past two years, my father has experienced a great deal of loss and pain, he has lost life-long friends and close family members to an assortment of health conditions. My father and I have always been very close, however when he was experiencing the emotions in response to these events, it was the first time I truly felt uncertain in how to act around him, in what to say to him. Over time, speaking about death has become more natural, and we have since spoken about the many dimensions of death and his concerns about how the deaths of his friends have impacted him, and what it means for his own feelings regarding death. There is something quite therapeutic and significant about discussing death in this manner, even if it is just learning a family member's views on organ donation or cremation. I feel as though I know my father better, and that we are much closer. Your article has helped me to identify with this process, has allowed me to reason through it, and identify the incredible value and potential in it.

Windy, Your article was just great. I was with my Mother who died September 3rd 08. That was just how it happened, she had such a beautiful smile on her face when she died. I'm fighting cancer myself, I'm really to go, but still there is a part of me that doesn't want to leave yet.....but, I know when my time comes I will go. My Son has gone on ahead of me...which was so hard on me. But, I have everything taken care of so I won't leave worries behind for everyone else to worry with.

What an excellent gift it would be if we could all learn from your lesson how to handle the dying process. I was with my mother when she died and I wish I had known then the information you gave in this piece. Now at age 77 I am beginning to think about my end of days and I will try to make it easier for my children by doing some of these changes you suggested. Thank you so much for helping others like this. hac31

Wendy, I wish your article was available to me a month ago. On October 1st my father passed away. At that time he was under hospice care. His symptoms during the last month or so of his life mirror those you have described. We were at a loss to understand those. Had the article been available to me earlier, perhaps I could have care for him better. I have shared the article with family and friends. I hope it will help others.Thanks for its publication.

I wish this article was published and available to me a month ago. My father was under hospice care for about 10 days and passed away on October 1st. He exhibited many of the symptoms described in the article. We were at a loss to understand the difficulties he experienced. If I had benefit of this article, perhaps I could have better cared for him. I hope other will benefit, and I have shared it with family and friends. Wendy, thanks for its publication.

-Jayesh

wow - thank you so much for this, Wendy. I can feel your presence to such a deep aspect of life - thank you for giving the gift of your perspective on this to the world. It is a treasure.

SURVIVING THE DEAD

Much to my dismay I shudder by the thought of yet another US Television series due to the limitless violence that seem to expand with each new production..
Remembering the fat and courteous Perry Mason and the discreet thump of a dead body I shun at the morbidity of contemporary thrillers where the mortuary is the centre stage and the pathologists the heroes.
Cordially they chit chat over the mutilated corpse while dissecting body parts in cool tranquility and camaraderie.
Contrary to the seconds long cuts of MTV invention, we are invited to long, tardy sequences of raping, stabbing, burning and strangling followed by piercing images of the victims.
In order to keep us on our emotional toes death does not mean the end. Unruly ghosts and revenge ridden corpses arise in order to pester and scare the life out of the presently living and whether it is a reality show or a fiction the psychics rush to our aid in order to try to control the vicious dead who may not expect a peaceful nothingness or a brighter afterlife.
Terrified parapshycics are screaming as their experiences with the over natural become too hard to cope with and people are left to believe that wherever we may stay we are surrounded by vindictive ghost and spiritual misery.
The human brain seems to be disposed to cope with a certain amounts of traumatic experiences during lifetime. The copying mechanisms of the Hypothalamus and Hippocampus will handle reasonable amounts of stress and anxiety generating stimuli. Daily provoking of the psychological defenses may easily develop as chronic stress disorder like Post Traumatic and Post Disaster Stress. Can we absolutely sure that the physiological disorders triggered of by traumas will only occur when frightening stimuli is caused by real life experiences and are we sure that our psychological defensive organization will adapt to the level of violence and fear that televised suspension may cause on an almost daily basis ? If so, will an easy adaptation to and an expanded tolerance of negative stimuli result in positive development of the mind and the ethics ?
Where will it all end ? Will there occur pragmatic discussions on the human rights of Necrophilia ? Why, in God´s name, do we have to give this emotional heritage to the next generation. No redemption. Only hate, anxiety and unrest.
I´ve had enough of pathologists in Chanel and gentle flirting over the scattered remains of a mutilated corpse.
Let the dead rest in piece. They deserve it.
Douglas Modig
Social Anthropologist, Kristianstad, Sweden

In 1981 my seventeen year old son, Paul, died of Lymphoma, in his own bed with me as his nurse supported by Denver's Children's Hospital. Paul was the first patient to die at home with their hospital support in the form of a nurse showing me how to change a bed with a patient in it and an emergency visit to his bedroom to relieve empaction because the cancer had spread to his lower spine and he simply couldn't get it out.. Along with our immediate family his friends could visit and the dog could camp at the foot of the bed. Paul wanted to die with nothing attached to his body so he sucked popcycles for hydration. Adult friends cooked meals for us and answered phones. Now I live with my second husband and we have Kaiser Permanente and Living Wills. He has cancer and I'm confident that the Hospice Program of Kaiser will help me when the time comes for enrollment in Home Hospice. Every death has individuality. Along with every life. What my husband, a retired professional violist, is doing with his time is painting beautiful oil paintings in a garage studio along with playing viola/piano sonatas with me on my Steinway. He says; "you can do alot of traveling between your two ears." How true. Life is "time and energy" and he uses this constriction to be creative. I'm honored to be his companion in the voyage.

Your comment about the folder is a good one. We all experience the loss of loved ones in different ways. It is sudden for some...the idea that we must prepare for the death experience is complicated, at best. Who knows what lies ahead? You were fortunate to get to know your father as an adult. Those of us who lose them at a young age never have this advantage in life. Life itself teaches us how to handle what comes our way. Character building experiences bring out the character in us. You dealt with your situation in a kind and caring way because you are that type of person...good.

When m y father died 11 years ago, it followed a year of chemotherapy for cancer, recovery, bonding with him, a three week trip together, and just weeks later, a new, aggresive cancer. This was followed by quick surgery, my saying "I love you Dad" for the first time in my life, and then the news. 12 months to live. Within days, this was followed by 3 months. I had been crying daily since I first got the news shortly after our vacation. I had always greatly feared dath, thought about it and had anxiety and even panic attacks at times thin king about it..Finally, I was faced with the death of a parent. The week following surgery was marked by a stroke and cardiac arrest. Then deterioration. No eating or drinking, hooked up to tubes. Not able to go to the bathroom. .He was going to die and I cried daily, any time any where. I couldn't accept it. On the last day, he ripped the tubes out, was hardly able to breathe with pneumonia. He managed to communicate"let me go". I signed the dnr that morning thinking he only had a matter of days, somehting not communicated to me by the doctors. One hour after I left i received the call. Suddenly I became all business, not a tear. Take care of the body, funeral arrangements, etc. The came the burial service. That was where my grief began and continued for months. I received my father's final lesson. 1. Death is part of life and you must face it that way and not fear it. 2. His matter of fact view and planning for years, including funeral instructions, demonstrated bravery and courage the likes of which I have never seen all the way to the end. It's still difficult to accept my own mortality, but 11 years later I can say that while I still have trouble talking about death, I do not fear it.

Well thought out and well said. I spent my entire life afraid of death to the point of having sporadic panic attacks about it. I never had a great relationship with my father but in the last year or two of his life we became a lot tighter. We really bonded in August of 1997 when we took a 3 week trip to Europe together, Just weeks after returning, he was diagnosed with a new cancer that required immediate surgery. He survived the surgery and was in the hospital 4 weeks. A stroke and cardiac arrest followed surgery. The the real deterioration began. I was initially told the surgery was too late; the cancer had metastasized. A year to live in agony followed by only 3 months. Meanwhile inability to eat or drink or go to the bathroom, followed by an eating tube.Crying daily was common for me. We finally bonded and I didn't want to lose him. When he went in for surgery I told my dad I loved him for the first time ever. Then pnemonia set in and I knew it was close. He managed to pull the tubes out that morning and managed to convey to me, "that's it. Let me go". All this within one month. That night he passed away, and so did my fear of death. In a business-like way, I made the funeral arrangements and when we arrived at the burial and the service started, so did my grief. It poured out for many months. I finally learned at 40 that death is merely part of life and my dad taught me how to courageously face it.