MY TURN

Remembering the Perfect Boy

How could I tell Aaron, my new boyfriend, about my old one, my first love, the boy I will never see again?

By Sara Harari | NEWSWEEK
Published Dec 6, 2008
From the magazine issue dated Dec 15, 2008

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  • Posted By: Missy1217 @ 12/19/2008 8:21:16 PM

    This article was forwarded to me by a friend - I hope if you are reading these comments you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your situation. I had to burry my boyfriend after a 4 year relationship and a long stuggle with cancer. the thing I learned most was to love freely and not hold anything back. I've now been in a great relationship for 3 years and it has made us stronger. The best thing you can do is to be open and honest and hold nothing back. After all, you have already been through the worse that can happen.

  • Posted By: Panzrk @ 12/16/2008 8:11:29 PM

    It irks me to read these stories about woulda shoulda coulda. Yeah he soulds like a great guy but people change and grow and who knows whether you 2 would have grown in the same direction. You only feel nostalgic beacuse you never had to face the challenges that a real relationship endures. Bills, kids, et cetera. Its easy to put him on a pedestal but a year down the road he could have dumped you for big breasted tart. He didn't really have the opportunity to screw up so you imagine him a s perfect. He may have been a great guy and you have the right to grieve over his death but only a fool grieves over the future that might have been. I know it sounds harsh but if you're lucky you'll grow up and live for today for like he learned tomorrow you may be dead!

    • Posted By: Missy23 @ 12/16/2008 11:40:02 PM

      hey hey....go easy on the kid.....pain hurts....just keep these negative sentiments to urself please.....its ok to think about what couldve been.....do u really understand what real love is???.....u do have a valid point, but go easy on the subject....everybody heals at thier own pace.....please respect that...
      peace and love :)

      • Posted By: Panzrk @ 12/17/2008 1:31:03 AM

        Curious that you should ask me to keep these comments to myself. There is a difference between being negative and realistic and I'm sorry if I call a spade a spade. I may tend to come off as a little harsh but publishing a story like this is an open door for people's opinions...otherwise why would there be a space to write this. I only speak the truth and an not implying that she shouldn't grieve in her own way no matter how long it takes, but she has involved another person and he will have to always be second place behind this ghost untill she figures out that her grief while personal and appropriate is cruel and unfair to her new "relationship". As for my own love story, yes I have one quite similar and took my own time grieving till I realized that I was no longer griveing for the person but the life that could have been. How many opportunitys had I missed wasting my time on one in a better place? How many poeple did I unfairly hurt? Life's lessons are taught to us each in our own time, while what I said wasn't gentle, it was honest and if she read it may make her angry and defensive but one day she'll look back and see the truth in what I said. I believe there is a new movie coming out called "He's just not that into you" which reminds me of when Miranda on Sex and the City learnd that lesson and tried to impart her new found understanding on a couple of 20 year olds. They thought she was a stupid "witch" ...you may not want to hear it but it is the truth.

        As for others who have trouble moving on, I empathize but the ones we miss are in a better place grieving that we cannot move on. Try to seperate your missing them from your "woulda shoulda couldas"....leave your selfish regrets to the dust where they belong. The greatest tribute you can give someone is to learn that every single day is a gift, DO NOT WASTE A SINGLE ONE. To do otherwise is an insult to their memory and what they would want for us!

        • Posted By: Missy23 @ 12/19/2008 8:44:04 AM

          ok ok.....i see what u mean....but still, you know everyone just cant picku up themselves and say 'hey, im going to stop grieving because he may have dumped me three weeks from now'....that doesnt happen, and i mean, so what if persons want to live and remember what could have been? thats ok! i dont think that by thinking of how wonderful a person was, is such a bad thing you know....if the person was great when they were alive....its great that someone would want to remember them and think of how life would be if they were still there...Panzrk, you seem a bt cynical and a tad unrational....but in a sense i can see your point, but still, thinking about someone you loved who has gone is not a bad thing, and if the people around you can have patience and see that reminiscence is not a crime, then there should be no problem.

          peace and love.

  • Posted By: HMK1313 @ 12/17/2008 3:30:59 PM

    Rarely can I find something in common with someone 20 years younger than I. This piece was moving and thoughtful. I can't imagine going through something like this at such a young age, and at the same time it was really difficult to go through it in my late 30's. Realizing the loss and all that comes with it is not easy to do. I think Ms. Harari has tremendous strength and incite to her feelings and situation. Taking that step toward letting someone new in your life is filled with emotions: guilt, regret, happiness, sadness, relief, you name it. If you find the right person, they will be patient and understanding and give you the time you need to love again. It sounds like Aaron is capable of that, and when she is ready, I'm sure Sara will love again in a new way.

  • Posted By: harquahala @ 12/17/2008 2:51:55 AM

    I burried my boyfriend Karl on June 25th 1998 - My next boyfriend Dovin I watched waste away a victim of cancer - I was holding his hand when he took his last breath on July 26th 2003 and then lost my fiance on May.23rd.3005. One thiing I can tell you is that I wouldn't change a minute of the time I had with them and even though they were all very differnt people I still grieve them all. Not to say that I am not continuing to live my life but there will be a piece of me forever stuck in time with them - Particularly the last - If you have not experienced the loss of a love - a true love then you should not imposs your dos and dont's into a situation you really have no right to speak to. Wait until you experience a real loss in your life before running your mouth.

    Grease Monkey's Girl

  • Posted By: kristina012884 @ 12/16/2008 11:28:46 PM

    I thought I was the only person in this position. I lost my boyfriend on July 4th after an accident on July 2nd. I watched him pass slowly on life support... We were so perfect together, I couldn't wait to marry him. We never fought, he always made me laugh and he accepted me for all my faults. I am trying to move on and date but I am not even close to ready. It is so hard to think that anyone else will make me feel the same love that he did. I HATE when people ask me if I am dating someone, married, etc. I bartend so I get the question a lot! It is so incredibly hard, I want to cry everytime the question comes up.

    As for Panzrk, I guess you have never lost someone so close. I lost by best friend of 10 years (in 2006) and still have the same thoughts; regrets about what could have been. It is not foolish to grieve over what could have been. It may be foolish to dwell but different. Obviously she is living for today because she is not sitting at home on the couch being a hermit. I hope I can be as strong in the coming months and years. This Christmas is definately been the hardest so far...

  • Posted By: kristina012884 @ 12/16/2008 11:28:28 PM

    I thought I was the only person in this position. I lost my boyfriend on July 4th after an accident on July 2nd. I watched him pass slowly on life support... We were so perfect together, I couldn't wait to marry him. We never fought, he always made me laugh and he accepted me for all my faults. I am trying to move on and date but I am not even close to ready. It is so hard to think that anyone else will make me feel the same love that he did. I HATE when people ask me if I am dating someone, married, etc. I bartend so I get the question a lot! It is so incredibly hard, I want to cry everytime the question comes up.

    As for Panzrk, I guess you have never lost someone so close. I lost by best friend of 10 years (in 2006) and still have the same thoughts; regrets about what could have been. It is not foolish to grieve over what could have been. It may be foolish to dwell but different. Obviously she is living for today because she is not sitting at home on the couch being a hermit. I hope I can be as strong in the coming months and years. This Christmas is definately been the hardest so far...

  • Posted By: nurseforever @ 12/16/2008 10:31:08 PM

    Grief is individual. In the loss of any relationship whether it is through death, break-up, or divorce, it is very normal to grieve not only for what was lost, but for what might have been. Sara sounds like a smart young lady with good insight who is moving along in her grieving process at a rate that is appropriate for her. In contrast to what some members have expressed, some people do get to live the fairy tale in their relationship. Kudos, Sara.

  • Posted By: REWALLER @ 12/16/2008 7:14:10 PM

    I have a similar story that I have been trying to get off my chest for quite some time. When I was 16 I met a young woman who would forever change my life. Her name was Gena and we started dating. At the time, youthful mistakes clouded our relationship but she truly was ??? and still is ??? my first and only true love. We dated for years and over time drifted apart. She became pregnant by her boyfriend and I eventually went off to college. I always kicked myself for never contacting her while I was in college. I never forgot about her and always wondered how she was, what she was doing and how her life was going.

    One day several years ago a mutual friend ran into her back in my hometown. By this time I was married with two small children but my relationship with my wife was rocky at best. My old friend informed me that she was engaged and, after much poking and prodding, I was able to get her number. I called, and left her a voice mail message to congratulate her on her pending nuptials. Several weeks later we reconnected and I knew that she still felt those old feelings.

    To make a long-story short we entered into an affair. I am not proud of what I did but I would be lying to say that I regret it. It was wonderful and I was instantly in love with her again. Those smoldering feelings burst back into a full flame and I was hooked. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be and we rightly ended the affair and I tried to work on my marriage for the sake of my two wonderful children. However, as before when I was 16, I never forgot about her and she has been in my thoughts everyday.

    Last year I found out that she got married which, honestly, was a major shock. To see her wedding pictures on her myspace.com account sent me into a tailspin of depression and regret. I took solace in the fact that she looks incredibly happy and has moved on with her life. Of course, as the old saying goes, timing is everything as my wife and I are now in the process of a divorce.

    To this day I cannot listen to a Prince song because she was obsessed with him when we were young. Every woman I have ever met is instantly compared to Gena, her little freckled nose and her beautiful smile. If I am watching TV and someone comes on who looks like her, I have to change the channel. Seeing images that remind me of her is just to much to bear.

    Hopefully, someday, I will find Gena and the timing will be right. I never loved anyone like I loved her and I think about her every single day. I am still madly in love with her but I will not put her marriage at risk; that would not be fair to her or her husband. She deserves to be happy without complications and I will happily stand on the sidelines until the moment is right. If it never comes then I hope that she knows how much she means to me and how much I still love her.

    • Posted By: Missy23 @ 12/16/2008 7:34:25 PM

      ur story was amzing and beautiful....wow, im so glad a guy spoke up about this issue....ur words have touched me deeply....i pray you find ur happiness with Gena one day.....she is the one for you. I will keep you in my prayers....thank you for ur story...u dont know just how much this has touched me and others who have read it....love is a dangerous,crazy,dark and beautiful thing.....and im glad u let it out raw and by your honesty.....helped me see how i have been denying something that is so real...thank you again....god bless you

  • Posted By: Missy23 @ 12/16/2008 6:44:55 PM

    oh my gosh....i read that and it made me cry....i also read the comments from the other ladies. i am in love with this wonderful booy who dotes on my evry word and action....u'v made me realise that if he had to die or leave, i would be heart broken, and sometimes, i dont treausre him enough and u've really driven it home to me how my heat would break if he were gone. im still crying right now lol, i know its silly but i understand that love u mean and i hope u get thorugh it. i really do...the other comments have touched e as well, im young [17], but we've been together for two years [itll be two this wednsday] and he's never done anything but love the best way he can. it would kill me if he were gone. he always tells me " Gabby, you have to die before me" because he would miss me so much, it would kill him....i love this boy so so so much, and ur story has made me so much more aware and thankful for that precious love we have.... thank you so much Sara...and to all others who commented....thank you....thank you so much.....God bless you all.

  • Posted By: vel02 @ 12/16/2008 6:30:15 PM

    I also have been through a loss. My first love who I met at 16 years was shot and killed when we were both 23 yrs. old. I did fall inlove but it took me a long time. Love and a perfect man is out ther for everyone but we just need to be patient.

  • Posted By: hanoverfist @ 12/16/2008 6:28:00 PM

    i had a girlfriend named Jodywhen we were both 18.her mother didnt like me to well,but we were in love.one afternoon i came home from work and found her name in the paper that she had been killed in a head on crash in the early morning.i also found out why her mom hated me;in her obituary days later i found she was engaged to be married to another man.i dont know what my Jody was planning to do about me but i know i helped her enjoy her last days on earth.she made me happy and i am very happy to have met such a beautiful woman

  • Posted By: YourNotAlone @ 12/16/2008 5:48:04 PM

    BeenThereToo
    I was dating a young Marine at the time. We had only been dating a few month, but we spent as much time together as we could. It was a little hard because neither one of us had a car at the time so my roommate was nice and let me use her car. I was supposed to meet him one afternoon but had car trouble. This was before cell phones so I wasn't able to get a hold of him. By the time I got to where we were meeting, he wasn't there. I figured he thought I stood him up so he left. It wasn't until several weeks later that I heard he had been killed by a drunk driver. The drunk driver was a friend of his who survived the accident. It has been more than 20 years and I still wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been late that day. He didn't know at the time that I was pregnant but I miscarried shortly thereafter. I have had a drink or two before, but from that day on I have never touched alcohol.

  • Posted By: KEHPPE-1106 @ 12/16/2008 5:32:38 PM

    My perfect boy was the man I was married to for 22 years. He died after a valiant fight with brain cancer in 2006. I don't know that I will ever experience that kind of connection and love with another man again.

  • Posted By: Rocketsmith @ 12/16/2008 5:19:24 PM

    Even a perfect guy can't compare to one who is dead. I know, I tried. Almost destroyed me.

  • Posted By: cntrygirlmt07 @ 12/16/2008 4:58:18 PM

    My story is like 3jules1800. I haven't lost a very special relationship to death but i to fell deeply in love witha man i had dated 2 years and married for 4.This man and i did evrything together and we were best friends could talk about everything.Then one day i come home from work and find him in our bed with an older women who was a friend of my families. I was horrified to say the least. When she finally left all he could do is appologize and say he woukd fix things between us, so i thoughthat i would giv e it a tryand see if i could forgive and forget. Two weeks later i went to the doctors because i was sick a lot and i couldn't figure out why by this time my ex husband and i were seperated. I had some test done adn found out 2 days later i was pregnant with his daughter. when i went to tell him i found him at this other womens house and he and the other female and myself got in an argument in the midst of the argument he punched me in the stomach and i fell. I then in the midst of my tears told him the reason i had come over was to tell him i was 2 months pregnant and that he had a child on the way he hit me again in the stoach and i started bleeding. To make a long story short i miscarried that night in the hospital i said goodbye to a child i really never knew. I found out that this older women had got him hooked on meth and he was flying high when i went over there. Since our divorce i have got to where i can talk to him and we are now friends and he is truely sorry and been sober for 2 years. I compare every relationship that i am in to my previous and i feel that i sell myself short because all i want is the relationship my ex husband and i use to have before everything. Everyone i have dated since doesn't compare.

  • Posted By: Momwoman @ 12/16/2008 4:55:43 PM

    I respect your pain, but it is good to move on. Unfortuately, life is rarely joyful, and things like this happen all the time. Just give up on the idea that you will live a happy life. We get to be happy sometimes, but it is never a permenant condition. Cherish what happiness you get, it does not come often enough.

  • Posted By: pwpw @ 12/16/2008 4:19:15 PM

    i can relate to your loss as i have lost two wifes to cancel and i am only 50. i have taken a different outlook than some in that i dont make an attempt to hide the love i had or have of my departed. i let women know how deeply i felt toward my wives and i let them inside some of my feelings. i know that lead to a strong relationship with my second wife and i trust that i can find yet antoher strong bond worth a lifetime commitment. i know that no one that truly loves us would want for us to remain alone after they depart. i hope you all find love and peace.

  • Posted By: 3jules1800 @ 12/16/2008 4:05:31 PM

    I feel for you and am glad you told your story. Up until now i thought i was alone in my anguish. I met my soul mate and we fell in love. We were the "perfect" couple. Although when we first got involved we knew it couldn't last beyond our obstacles, that didn't stop us from continuing a two year affair. He was from another state, and eventually had to move back to his home town to care for his sick Parents. His father was dying of a terminal brain tumor and didn't have much time left. He told me that he had to choose between me and his entire family. I couldn't go with him and I wouldn't stop him. Eventually the day came. We both cried as we said our good bye's. It was surreal. We kept in contact, and a year later he came back to my town to visit. It was like a movie. We locked eyes and it was like no time had passed. We both professed our undying love. Then, he returned home. Over the next year things disipated. He pulled away and eventually moved on. He is now married. I respect that and will not contact him. It's stil very hard to believe that it's all over. I've not been able to move on. I compare everyone to him and find it impossible to feel that same kind of passion with another man. I pray that i can someday find that kind of love again. Sometimes i'm content knowing that I was ever lucky enough to experience it in the first place. Only time will tell, but i know that everything happens for a reason. I know this isn't the same as loosing someone to death, but it certainly felt like it to me. I think i was the one that died the day he left.

  • Posted By: tok20000 @ 12/16/2008 2:51:59 PM

    This is a very painful thing to get over. I met a woman about 4 years ago that I totally fell in love with. We got engaged, we moved in together, and about 9 months later she collapsed at work and was pronounced dead 45 min later. Her aorta had split. She had a genetic heart defect. This woman was the most amazing woman I have ever met. She was a genius. She had a PHD in philosophy and a law degree from Berkeley. What makes it even more amazing is that she had ADD (attention deficit disorder) about as bad as someone could have ADD... On to p of all of this, she could have been a model if she wanted. Anyways, it has been a long difficult dating road for me... I try not to compare my dates to her, but subconsciously I KNOW I am making a comparison. And it rare that anyone I have gone out with compares favorably......

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