"For Chrissakes," I can almost hear him saying at the Billy Goat Tavern under Michigan Ave. (the inspiration for John Belushi's SNL "Cheesebooger"skit), "If you're going to steal, at least be smart like Tom Keane. And if you're gonna be a dope, at least be ugly like Vito Marzullo." These are references to cronies of the late Mayor Richard J. Daley, subject of Royko's classic 1971 book, Boss.

Royko didn't believe that all or even most Chicago politicians were crooked, and he would likely have thought it ridiculous that someone like Rahm Emanuel is being hounded by the press for the crime of talking to the governor on the telephone.

But when he wasn't writing about the Cubs (whom he thought were cursed by their racially backward ownership under the Wrigleys, not by a goat), or answering hostile reader mail with laugh-out-loud retorts, Royko was the bard of the boodlers. If you wanted to read about the Illinois secretary of state who left $800,000 in cash stacked in shoeboxes in his Springfield hotel room, Mike was your man. He once explained how Chicago had originated the word "clout," which means influence with someone who can do you good:

"In simple English, a bailiff might say, 'Somebody beefed that I was kinky and I almost got viced, but I saw my Chinaman and he clouted for me at the hall.'"

As everybody knows, that means:

"A citizen complained that I did something dishonest and I was almost fired but I contacted my political sponsor and he interceded on my behalf with my department head."

Royko wrote that the city of Chicago needed a new seal, with the traditional Indian and cherub replaced by clasped hands exchanging money, and a new motto. In place of Urbs in Horto (City in a Garden) he proposed Ubi Est Mea—"Where's Mine?"

If only he were here to perfectly parse Rod Blagojevich's take on our president-elect:

"Unless I get something real good, s--t, I'll just send myself [to D.C.]. …. the mother f----r 's not willing to give me anything but appreciation."

For Mike Royko, appreciation is all we've got.

© 2008