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Not Your Dad's Divorce

How changes in child-support laws, and a push by fathers for equal time, are transforming the way this generation of ex-spouses raise their children.

By Susanna Schrobsdorff | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Dec 15, 2008 | Updated: 8:42  a.m. ET Dec 15, 2008

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  • Posted By: sars @ 05/13/2009 3:21:15 PM

    The dad is trying to get 5o/50, yet I have had them the past 3 years as primary residential. He all of a suddent wants them to live with him. Anyone have any experience...do you think there is any chance in him even getting half now.

    • Posted By: abuseoffreedom @ 06/26/2009 4:16:42 PM

      Jesus! Your hatred becomes you. You should WANT to give him half of the time with the kids...they came from him too, right? Do you just want to hurt him so much that you will use the kids as pawns?

    • Posted By: ecbyeh@yahoo.com @ 06/16/2009 5:33:31 PM

      There are so many variables in custody cases that only your attorney will be able to tell you what they think your chances are. So, be sure to get good legal represenation to keep the playing field even.

  • Posted By: SebaaHeidi @ 05/18/2009 2:43:19 AM

    What drives me crazy is how the woman can easily file a false claim against the father, have the father go to trial, be found innocent of all charges, yet the father is not allowed to see or speak to his child until she's 18. My ex-boyfriend went through this, and it kills him to not be able to see his little girl, and it kills me to see him in so much pain.

  • Posted By: sars @ 05/09/2009 12:49:05 PM

    Anyone you know ever obtained split residential custody? How rare is this arrangement?

    • Posted By: CraigF @ 05/11/2009 3:58:28 PM

      Rare isn't the word I'd use.. Wierd is more like it. That term iis an oxymoron. Why would you want such an arrangement anyways?

  • Posted By: lovemyboys @ 04/24/2009 9:00:34 PM

    I need a little advice...I am going through a divorce right now. My ex and I are in a huge custody battle and it is the most stressful thing I have ever gone through. My kids are 4 and 6. We have temporary orders that say we have joint custody right now, but my ex is wanting to move to another city and he has told me that if I don't move where he is going then he is going to take me to family court, fight for the kids, try to get more money out of me (I am paying $142 in child support because I own a business and the ex works as a banquet server making no money), and destroy me. I do nothing wrong and am a hard worker and love my kids dearly. This whole mess scares me to death with the possibility that he could actually win this battle. He has family where he is going and I have none around. Would this be considered??? My lawyer advised me to start trying to provoke him into arguement to show instability...it all just seems ridiculous.

    • Posted By: CraigF @ 05/11/2009 3:56:56 PM

      You are now experiencing whjat men have been fighting for years. In NY the courts are so woman biased that she can pick up and move to anywhere she prefers and the male has no say so, but like you, loves his children, would have to pay more in support, and be away from his children. Provoking an agruement will get you know where and your lawyer is an idiot to suggest such a think. I think if you prove stability since you have the better job, and if you children are doing well in school where they are at, you can prove to a judge that moving them would be disasterous. They have must have friends and your family here. If he is moving them just to be away from you, he then does not have the best interest inthe children in mind.

  • Posted By: caniche @ 12/15/2008 9:09:51 PM

    Yes, the courts are biased, but not for women, at least not in my case. My attorney told me one of the judges told all the other judges I was "lying" and believe me, I got shafted, over and over and over. Ex was just arrested for assaulting his new wife. Guess I wasn't lying after all. My son begged the judge to let him live with me, and she laughed in his face. She destroyed my children. What goes around comes around, Judge Tin. It must suck to be you.

    • Posted By: nbdvvc2 @ 04/09/2009 5:15:59 PM

      My sister just went through a horrible divorce with Tin as the judge. Would you please contact me: veronica24@roadrunner.com. We are researching case files to try to go to the judicial standard committee. I would love to know what happened with your case. Also tell me who the attorneys were on both sides.

  • Posted By: mkelaart @ 03/25/2009 11:13:57 PM

    My ex and I raised our now 18 year-old daughter splitting our time with her 50/50 from the time she was 4 years-old. It has not been easy but at the time it seemed to make the most sense. He would not have it any other way and I wanted my daughter to have her Dad in her life often (and he is a good Dad). At around the age of 15 she started expressing her own opinions about where she wanted to live. At the beginning, we recognized it as "playing the parents" to get what she wanted but eventually we let her make the decision and I became the "visiting parent". It sometimes turned unpleseant and emotional because for a while she tried to get out of seeing me too often and I missed her dearly. At some point, I let go, let her be a teenager (her Dad didn't really see her much either) and began to really appreciate and understand that I had a bond with my daughter that would never go away. She knew it and I knew it. I have not, in my eyes, "raised" my daughter for the last 3 years and that sometimes makes me sad but the time we shared growing up, the decision we made to parent together-with her best interests in mind, and the fact that she is a happy, smart, giving, outgoing adult now makes me believe I did the right thing. It can work, I think, as long as your childrens needs come first.

  • Posted By: teekawi @ 03/25/2009 7:49:01 AM

    I still see the courts against men. My husband and I have fought to maintain the joint custody of his eldest daughter, who at the age of 14 saw a rosier picture at mom's (she could do anything she wanted so she preferred to live there). And to start off with my husband had to fight to have "shared" custody, which still factored into less than 50% for him. Now the 14 year old is 16 and is being placed in protective custody because 2 years of no rules and absolute freedom has created a monster that is involved in drugs, dropping out of all activities, threatening suicide, and in truancy trouble. If the courts would have maintained the structured custodial agreement first agreed upon and not let the child dictate where she wanted to be based on where it was more fun we would still have a successful, achieving, responsible daughter. The courts have a long way to go to lose their sexism in my eyes, because they sure failed us here in WI. We pegged everything that would happen when we met with the guardian ad lidum and courts over this issue, now all we can do is say I told you so.

  • Posted By: 1997neon @ 03/24/2009 11:03:24 PM

    I am a mother who lost custody of her daughter almost 4 years ago to my exhusband who is not her father. He sued me and won soul legal custody of my daughter. I only get every other weekend and a midweek. I ask for more time but he always says no that I can not have it cause his family functions come first. I have gone to court many times but it is always the same No, to getting atleast joint custody. He attorney says the most hateful things about me in court and she does not even know me. He tells my daughter that I his new wife is her mom and that I am just a person that she has to come and see, he tells her that live like white trash since I live in a trailer (its the only think that I can afford right now since he put me into BK after our divorce) I pay he childsupport yet that is not good enough for him since now he s taking me back to court for a modifcation for me to pay him more. He and his new wife make 4 times more than I do yet he still wants more. ( oh his new wife really makes all the money cause h only works 2 days a week. I feel for the fathers that do not get to see thier kids and having to deal with the exes who just bad mouth them to the kids and who are taken back to court for more child support. The parents who are reciving the CS should get off their buts and go to
    work instead of us having to pay for all the bills. If they need more money they I guess the child custody should be changed to the parent who does go to work and does al the supportig of that child. Exspecaill if that child is not even theres to begin with

  • Posted By: 1997neon @ 03/24/2009 10:57:39 PM

    I am a mother who lost custody of her daughter almost 4 years ago to my exhusband who is not her father. He sued me and won soul legal custody of my daughter. I only get every other weekend and a midweek. I ask for more time but he always says no that I can not have it cause his family functions come first. I have gone to court many times but it is always the same No, to getting atleast joint custody. He attorney says the most hateful things about me in court and she does not even know me. He tells my daughter that I his new wife is her mom and that I am just a person that she has to come and see, he tells her that live like white trash since I live in a trailer (its the only think that I can afford right now since he put me into BK after our divorce) I pay he childsupport yet that is not good enough for him since now he s taking me back to court for a modifcation for me to pay him more. He and his new wife make 4 times more than I do yet he still wants more. ( oh his new wife really makes all the money cause h only works 2 days a week. I feel for the fathers that do not get to see thier kids and having to deal with the exes who just bad mouth them to the kids and who are taken back to court for more child support. The parents who are reciving the CS should get off their buts and go to
    work instead of us having to pay for all the bills. If they need more money they I guess the child custody should be changed to the parent who does go to work and does al the supportig of that child. Exspecaill if that child is not even theres to begin with

  • Posted By: cyndi0429 @ 03/24/2009 6:04:24 PM

    My parents were divorced when I was a child, in the 80's. My brothers and I had to drag our stuff back and forth to the different houses, and then, when we got settled in one place, back to the other house. We all 4 felt a tremendous loss of security that we would have had with only one home, and the ability to visit with the other parent. None of us have a close relationship with either of our parents now. I feel that it was selfish of them to force us to suffer more than we had to because of their divorce. Maybe the parents who want to bounce their kids back and forth should be forced to maintain a household where the kids live permanently, and the parents move in and out. See how they like living like that. Sorry to sound so bitter.

    • Posted By: jaydub66 @ 03/24/2009 6:51:28 PM

      Hey, I hear you and wonder how my son feels. He is 11 and I sometimes see how it wears on him. I am torn between wanting to be a father and be with him, and wondering how he feels about all of this back and forth.

  • Posted By: whatmeworry66 @ 03/24/2009 6:48:19 PM

    Wow, I needed to read to know that I am not alone in this battle. I love my son and it breaks my heart how I am made to feel like a dead beat by the courts. I would never deny him anything in life, and if I could I would gladly have him live with me and have his Mom bear the expense and time of traveling back and forth to pick him up from school in New Jersey ( I live in Pa.) take back in the morning, pick him up after school, take him to practices in New Jersey...You get the picture. Pennsylvania and New Jersey make it VERY difficult for the Fathers that want to do the right thing, and are doing the right thing for their children.

  • Posted By: whatmeworry66 @ 03/24/2009 6:47:13 PM

    Wow, I needed to read to know that I am not alone in this battle. I love my son and it breaks my heart how I am made to feel like a dead beat by the courts. I would never deny him anything in life, and if I could I would gladly have him live with me and have his Mom bear the expense and time of traveling back and forth to pick him up from school in New Jersey ( I live in Pa.) take back in the morning, pick him up after school, take him to practices in New Jersey...You get the picture. Pennsylvania and New Jersey make it VERY difficult for the Fathers that want to do the right thing, and are doing the right thing for their children.

  • Posted By: squeak226 @ 12/16/2008 3:37:26 PM

    Parental Alienation Syndrome is a scientifically discredited 'theory'. It was developed by Richard Gardner, who had no psychological background or eduction. He self-published a book on this "syndrome" and it was hailed by abusive husbands as a way to justify their children's negative emotions about them. Every pyschiatric organization has denounced this 'syndrome' as a sham. I would also note that Mr. Gardner was so mentally damaged himself, that he committed suicide. It was distubing to find it evenly reported in a magazine with otherwise good credentials.

    • Posted By: roadkill1965 @ 12/18/2008 12:59:33 AM

      Actually, it's not a discredited theory. The APA mentions it frequently, but just hasn't assigned it offical "syndrome" status yet, because there hasn't been enough research yet. And, Dr Gardner committed suicide because of a physical condition that caused him grievous pain. Where on earth do you get your sources. It's easy enough just to look things upin Wikipedia!

      • Posted By: Penny and John Toniolli @ 03/17/2009 2:44:43 PM

        IT certainly is NOT a discredited theory, and if you need to do some serious research before opening your mouth. PAS is alive and well and a horrible form of child abuse because it robs a child/children of a loving nuturing relationship with 1/2 of who that child is- by a USUALLY bitter angry nasty mother, who wants to do nothing more as a custodial parent than collect a paycheck from her ex-husband- giving him ALL the responsibility and none of the rights as a parent. I'm a femal too, so before you start blabbing on about this being a man's "excuse" for his children's negativism, understand that. In cases of abuse and neglect the CPS and CW caseworkers have a responsibility to reunify families but ignorant judges and abusive mothers seem determined to keep good, loving, responsible fathers out of their children's lives. It's criminal.

  • Posted By: anthemparalegal.com @ 02/23/2009 6:01:22 PM

    It is very difficult for children to deal with it, celebrities or not, because they love both parents.

    Anthem Paralegal

  • Posted By: Judicial Ransom for Children @ 01/28/2009 12:55:34 PM

    A driving issue is that divorce lawyers make more than 10 Billion dollars every year when fathers fight for the constitutional civil rights of children to have equal relationships and equal time with both of their parents. Denial of children's equal rights fuels the fire. Children are held for ransom money by judges. Lawyers increase conflict to make even more money. Read 'Taken Into Custody' and 'Father and Child Reunion' to get the real documented and footnoted facts. Watch Farrell's DVD "The Best Interests of the Child" to find out how children really feel and what they need. Watch William Fain's movie "A Father's Rights" to see what really happens in court every day. Children are half mom and half dad. Children who are denied their civil rights of equal access to one parent feel that half of themselves is missing. The bottom line is that judges rule almost entirely according to the best interest of those who make money breaking up families and they rule out of fear of government funded anti-family groups. Fathers pay most of the costs. The anti-family rulings continue until fathers are out of home and money and health. That's not in the best interest of children. Any comment from most lawyers (like AAML Nickelson) are expected to be biased against equal time because lawyers earn more than 10 Billion dollars every year in fights for children's equal parenting. In the end of the article, we find out that AAML Nickelson is recently divorced and shows no concerns for the tragic effects that divorce has on children's mental health as shown by US Census data and criminal data. Jocelyn Crowley's quotes are deceptive because she obviously includes support due claims from all previous years vs. support paid in 1 year. All her numbers including her support numbers and percent in poverty are therefore probably dishonest. Deedra Hunter is living in a fantasyland if she thinks mothers have ANY need to prove that they aren't spending most of the support money on themselves and their lawyers. Most judges strongly refuse to make mothers accountable for spending on children or obeying parenting time schedules.

    • Posted By: coldinNCA @ 02/20/2009 12:13:13 AM

      I applaud you for taking the time and effort trying to shine the light on the unjust treatment of "Fathers". Please keep up the good work. Like the banking CEO's and the government in our nation's financial crisis, there's so much greed and no oversight and transparency that caused the recession. I have been drained out of my hard earned money from my divorce(only 1 year and 10 months marriage) and child custody/support hearings, settlements and trials. My son is being abused by his mother yet the lawyers are reaping the huge fees(in my case it's been over $170k and counting). Mind you, I have to pay my ex's attorney and accountant's fees due to Code Section 2030 in California. Any motion I bring forth, it's the first call of order not my son's best interest. It's not protecting our children. It's bankrupting fathers and giving lawyers the power to bankrupt fathers. The judge doesn't allow the fathers to speak in hearing and trials. Most testimonies are fabricated to transfer money from fathers to the attorneys. The current judge has his head burried in the sand and protecting his interest by not making any changes to the custody. I only have one weekend visitation every quarter and my ex has 4 weekends a month. My son doesn't want to go to his mother. He is growing up in unjust and he has been influenced by unjust. Is there any wonder our children grow up to be angry and distrust ? Our society will pay for this injustice. Our government's answer is to build more prisons.

  • Posted By: RobRoy64 @ 01/30/2009 4:47:22 PM

    Minnesota is considering enacting legislation to put in a judicial presumption of 50/50 custody as a means to counter the gender bias in child custody decisions. They issued a study report on the subject in January 2009.

    Even though they studied the impact, they still don't get it. There's an excellent article on their oversights and misconceptions at <a href="http://angiemedia.com/?p=1012">Minnesota Reviews Child Custody Laws</a> . It also has some really good suggestions on court and legislative policies.

  • Posted By: rdellis00 @ 01/29/2009 3:57:38 PM

    I would like to know what State's out there are leaning more toward not looking at gender when determining custody b/c here in Oklahoma that certainly is NOT THE CASE. My husband and I are $20,000 later still only getting every other weekend with my step-daughter and her mother can't take care of herself let alone my step-daughter but the Oklahoma Courts didn't care. She was mom and b/c we couldn't prove she's "unfit" she retains custody. That is not right!!!! I'd love to be able to talk to someone out there who might be able to offer some advice on custody rights for fathers.

  • Posted By: Libricrat @ 12/15/2008 10:41:42 AM

    As a very happy father, and an unhappy husband, I stay married only for my children. I don't understand how my father and most other fathers before could just see thier chldren once or twice a month. I couldn't live without seeing my children every day. I've still never knew of any Dads that have gotten custody of thier kids. If it's a choice between the courts taking my children away and being miserable in my marriage then, I'll just have to be miserable. Is this wrong or does this make me a jerk? I just can't be without my babies.

    • Posted By: PattyNewbold @ 12/15/2008 11:19:36 AM

      Libricrat, I ache for you. It is so honorable of you to make the personal sacrifice for your kids, but as the child of someone else who did this, I can't say it's the best option. It is possible to turn an unhappy marriage into a happy one, much more possible than I ever suspected when my own marriage hit the shoals. We who grew up with unhappy parents missed out on some critical, but easy to learn, skills for crafting a great marriage. I would love to show you how.

      • Posted By: Libricrat @ 12/15/2008 1:41:26 PM

        Me too.

        • Posted By: WA Mom of3 @ 12/15/2008 9:58:27 PM

          Good for you Libricrat! All marriages have their ups and downs. My DH and I almost divorced about 5 years into it. It took a long time to heal our marriage but we just celebrated 15 years and it's never been better. Marriage is a lot of HARD WORK! The media tells us that Love is a feeling. It is not! Love is a choice and a commitment. I choose to love my husband and my children even when I feel angry or hurt by their actions. We tend to see the grass as being greener on the other side of the fence. Well you could have green grass on this side of the fence too but you have to take care of it. You have to water it, feed it and cut it. In relationships this translates into acting in a loving way to your spouse even when you dont feel like it. It means learning the skills necessary to build a relationship( It takes NO skill at all to tear one apart). It also means forgiving your spouse when they hurt you (Im not talking about abuse here, just the hurt feelings we all suffer from lonliness, to misunderstandings to rudeness, callousness or insensitiviy). Forgiving doesn't mean the hurt will go away and you may never forget what was done. Forgiveness is when you choose to not get back at the other person for what they did, when you refuse to bring up what happened again and again. The media tells us that love and marraige will make everything better and will fix whats wrong with us. WRONG! We just bring whats wrong with us into our marriages and get mad at our spouse because we arent fixed. Therefor the reasoning goes...I must have married the wrong person.

          My DH signed us up for a marriage seminar (what a shock as this is not usually a guy thing to do and he's never been interested before) It is called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. What a breath of fresh air! No bad mouthing of men or women, no calls to fix yourself or fix your spouse. Basically it tells how we think and process very differently. Even though things were going well we both learned a lot and our OK marriage is better than ever! I never laughed so much in my life! Our marriages can be great but we have to take the time and make the effort to build them and each other up! Google Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor.
          Hope this helps you and others as well.

          • Posted By: Judicial Ransom for Children @ 01/28/2009 4:36:18 PM

            Wow! You are right on! Keep on blogging and run for office. I'm a marriage and children's advocate (thus my username). Our children's very experienced psychologist after separation told me that problems don't end marriages. He said that lack of committment ends marriages. He wanted to talk to my separated wife about reconciliation because he knew she wasn't thinking straight. But he didn't because he was afraid of the ex's attorney and the judge and his job. The judge then helped my ex alienate me from my children.

  • Posted By: ocarrasq @ 01/16/2009 2:40:29 PM

    I am a soon to divorce father of two; 17 year old daughter who has decided to live with me, and 3 year old son (my bud!). My soon to be ex-wife had falsely accused me of abuse to both her and my children, keep my children (daughter in the dark for two weeks of my anguished separation from my home and my children, has lately behaving in a manner of which would constituted as being negative and non approachable. My son has been diagnosed as having a mild case of autism, which I've for about 3 weeks been asking his mother for more information, and to perhaps consider a second opinion.. she has recently provided me with any new information, in fact told others before telling me of recent outcomes. I guess my point here is we as dedicated Fathers who are willing sacrifice to be their children, have pretty much the law against them. I am considering revising my status of rights to see my son; shared physical custody and to have him live with me outright after the age of 9. Right now although I have him my son on alternate week ends; it is simply not enough time to spend with him, to bond with him and provide him a secure environment, one of a home instead of a visit.

    a struggling Father.

    Omar

  • Posted By: dicedealer72 @ 12/17/2008 6:08:55 PM

    I believe that parental alienation is alive and well, not in every case, but in some. I think that in those situations there is a parent who is extremely resentfull of the other, usually the parent who left (for whatever reasons-good, bad or otherwise), and they are looking for a way to hurt the other parent. These parents need the children to fell as badly about the other parent as they do, and are doing it for purley selfish reasons. They also need the children to love them best, because they feel a sense of not being loved because the other parent left. Mainly it's becasue they want the children to, for want of a better word, hate as much as they do. The alinating parent feel some sense of enjoyment badmouthing the other parent or when the children pick them over the other parent, kind of like they've won. Kind of like they have some power over the fact that , hey you left me,but I'm gonna make sure the kids know it and feel the same way I did, and do. there is also a feeling of wanting to one up the other parent so they can maintain their status as alpha in the relationship, i.e. "oh, you went to a MINOR league baseball game, well I always take you to MAJOR league games" or telling what wonderful thing they are going to buy them when they get home, or calling several times(sometimes morethan once a day) during the other parents visit to say how much they love and miss them and ask if they still love and miss the alienating parent. These behaviors are used to try to remind the child what they are missing by being with the other parent, and maintaining their alpha status. Parental alienation at work.

    • Posted By: followthemoney111 @ 01/12/2009 10:14:28 AM

      hi dice the biggest problem is that when a child really doesn't want to go to a parents due to abuse, all the abuser has to do is stand up and say PAS, a lot of times it is abuse not PAS not enough time is spent with abused kids or they are not believed which is a tragedy

    • Posted By: aformerabusedmom @ 12/17/2008 7:10:18 PM

      Actually this is not the only time PAS is alleged. Most times PAS/PA is alleged is when a woman says that the father abused her or abused the children. He will then go to court claiming PAS/PA and sadly the judges buy into it because abuse of a child or domestic violence is extremely difficult to prove. It is harder to prove than rape.

      • Posted By: roadkill1965 @ 12/18/2008 12:03:40 PM

        While I sympathize with your plight, every time you condemn MOST men or MOST fathers, based on your own situation, you lose me. I could do the same, saying MOST women spend child support on gifts for their boyfriends , or MOST women leave their young kids at home alone while they go bar hopping, but it wouldn't be true.

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