Not Your Dad's Divorce

As a father who won custody of his kids, I see a lot of gender bias in this story. Even though it is trying to prove that fathers that want to be in their kids life somehow do get a chance. I had to fight the legal system with a lawyer that never really believed that I had the right to keep my kids. It was my will and determination that won me my kids. The mother never wanted them after she asked for the divorce. She cheated on me and left me for a man with more money. The kids were living with me when she won custody. I was ordered to pay child support, her rent and half of the amount of daycare. When we were still married, daycare was free. She moved them to another part of town to be closer to her boyfriend and the judge dismissed every attempt of mine to prove that I was the primary caregiver to the children from the day my second chil was born and I cared for them 85% of the time. During the seperation they were living with me and the judgment hurt more because the kids were being taken away from me. She had temporary custody of the children until she finally realized how hard it was to take care of them, and couldn't do it anymore. She moved in with her boyfriend and gave up the kids, and I have had them ever since. Then when I got married, she started to fight for them. My ex-wife did everything she could to take them away from me. Including filing a false claim of assault on my current wife. She said she'd bankrupt me until I gave her the kids and she is still fighting to this day. Until the legal system sees that she is fighting a battle just to spite me, I am never going to live in peace. And because she is the mother she will always be listened to. She is crying "wolf."

It is possible for divorce parents to continue the support of their children in two households. Like the author, my divorced family has celebrated the special events in the same way; we are now ready to celebrate the last of three college graduations with the traditional celebratory dinner with all grandparents and both step-parents. It does take getting used to, but now my children appreciate the hard work it took to get us to this point. Now they are suggesting to their stepmom that she encourages the same kind of relationship with their step-sisters dad. In the end, it's the best thing for the kids.

It is possible for divorce parents to continue the support of their children in two households. Like the author, my divorced family has celebrated the special events in the same way; we are now ready to celebrate the last of three college graduations with the traditional celebratory dinner with all grandparents and both step-parents. It does take getting used to, but now my children appreciate the hard work it took to get us to this point. Now they are suggesting to their stepmom that she encourages the same kind of relationship with their step-sisters dad. In the end, it's the best thing for the kids.

Fathers Resources International offers Free Weekly Webcasts to help divorced dads at http://www.Fathers-Resources.com on Sundays at 8PM EST and http://www.DivorcedDadWeekly.net You can learn the skills and strategies of the many successful divorced dads we have helped over the last 15 years.

The key is to focus on the things that unite for the sake of our children, instead of that which divides us; learn how to effectively wage peace as a negotiation, mediation and/or litigation strategy.

Learn these tactics and strategies from two adult children of divorce...

My name is Danny Guspie, and I am the Executive Director of Fathers Resources International. I have been a divorced dad, step dad, law clerk, coach and counselor, helping dads achieve their goals; My partner, Heidi Nabert, is President of The National Shared Parenting Association. She is an adult child of divorce, step-mom and international divorce reform activist for the last 15 years.

Here's what lawyers do not explain to most people: Evidence is what happens outside of Court - You have an enormous opportunity to influence what that evidence is.

However the difficulty for most dads is their lawyer does not explain this concept, nor educates them on how to go about this. When you listen to our webcast regularly, you will learn how, from the fathers who have already won in Family Court where peace for children = winning.

I am one of those dads. 20 tears ago I was going through my own miserable divorce. There were no services for men, so I set services up for them in Southern, Ontario, Canada. We now help dads worldwide.

You need more than a good lawyer, you need a proven plan that works, because 50-85% of you either can't afford a lawyer, or can't keep paying for one.

You will need to learn how to conduct your case when you can't afford a lawyer - That's what we have been teaching dads to do with great success for 15 years. Even when they have a lawyer, we've been able to help dads better understand their situation.

For those looking for real practical help,we are starting a coaching program that gives access to hundreds of hours of audio and Study guides to help you look at these problems from an entirely new and more helpful perspective. Most people think they only have a legal problem, when in fact it is what goes on outside of Court and your conduct or reaction to being provoked that causes the legal problem.

we hope to see you on our webcast soon. You don't have to keep losing badly - there are answers to most cases. Only the most extreme 1% of cases are not resolvable. The remaining 99% are.

Come learn how.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director
Fathers Resources International
1-888-54-Daddy

Unfortunately, our family witnessed first-hand how joint custody does not work. My daughter felt as if she never unpacked. Her father treated time with him as a one-up game on me...insisting that she be at his house on schedule, regardless of illness or her wishes to alter the schedule. He looked at it as his time for her to be with him, not his time to support her in homework, take her to birthday parties, or generally spend time with her. Unless both parents are willing to bend schedules, have a true home at both houses (clothes, personal items, etc. - which means dad has to spend money for these as well as mom), you can end up with a child that is constantly traveling in turmoil. She doesn't bring enough clothes to dad's house for the month of summer? Tough. He's not going to shell out $ for clothes. She forgot her favorite stuffed toy for the weekend? Too bad. She'll get it when she goes back to mom's. Don't ask the court to remedy this. They're concerned with brutal cases of incest and such, because they're overloaded and can garner some kind of evidence for such abuse. Joint custody was the default choice for divorce in my state. It sounded like a good idea, but it isn't. My daughter has the scars to prove it.

I agree with many of the comments that have been made about this article. I too am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 10 in the late 1970s. Their divorce was pretty typical as divorces go but I am still feeling the negative effects of what my parents and the system put me through. Unless there is abuse in the relationship I believe divorce is just a way for parents to encourage their self centeredness with no regard for the mental well being of the children. I think it is sad in this day in age when no one, parents, social servies or the courts, ask the children what they want. It's always about the parents, money and who has the best lawyer or who can tell the best lie in front of a judge.

Wow, there are a lot of bitter posts on this site. I can understand that some men have been screwed over by the system--believe me, I have a brother that lives it every day. However, to make sweeping statements that all women are just looking for a payout is simply not true. I personally know way more women who have been screwed over by men than vice versa. Does that mean I think all men are deadbeat dads? Of course not. The court system is unfair to both sides because it often fails to look at the whole picture. There are women out there that use their kids for money and there are men that do the same. This is the fundamental problem that comes when society glamorizes divorce or single parenthood. It ususally doesn't work out well.

Deedra Hunter says "women should keep meticulous records to prove that they're using their child-support money for the kids" to win custody. Why can't this just be the rule? I think CS should be matched by BOTH parents into a joint account, out of which allotted DOCUMENTED expenses are paid. These can even become monthly payments to the custodial parent, % of rent, utilities, that's fine. Anything above and beyond allotted expenses should be agreed upon and signed off on by both parties. When the child turns 18, any left over $$ can be spent on vocational or college programs. Suddenly many children would have robust college accounts if the frivolous and SELFISH spending of custodial parents was stopped.

Case in point, my fiance pays over 800 a month to his ex (note they were together for less than 2 yrs) his child has no furniture, sleeps on a mattress on the floor, and is fed ramen noodles and microwave pizza. She's expected to do all the housework, while her mother, my fiance's ex, sits around and doesn't work, watching tv. But technically she's not being abused, so there's nothing we can do.

I'll tell you it's the system that's being abused AND this kid!

Obviously who ever wrote this article isn't familiar with Washington State where there is still a huge gender bias. Mom gets the kids always unless you can prove she is doing and will do physical harm to them. It's pathetic to think that moms make better parents just because they are women. And it's unfortunate that women are such emotional people (I'm a woman by the way) they generally let their emotions run them, they're in it for a paycheck for their kids and want to hold their kids over their fathers head for the rest of their lives. Women who want alimony or need and depend solely on child support are weak and an embarrassment to the rest of us self sufficient women out there. 90% of women who take money from their husbands after a divorce are admitting that they are mentally and physically and emotionally incapable of pulling themselves up by the boot straps and making a better life for themselves ??? even after divorce they are still wholly dependant on men. Pathetic ??? and this is who gets the kids in almost every case in Washington State ??? great example MOMS!!!

Obviously who ever wrote this article isn't familiar with Washington State where there is still a huge gender bias. Mom gets the kids always unless you can prove she is doing and will do physical harm to them. It's pathetic to think that moms make better parents just because they are women. And it's unfortunate that women are such emotional people (I'm a woman by the way) they generally let their emotions run them, they're in it for a paycheck for their kids and want to hold their kids over their fathers head for the rest of their lives. Women who want alimony or need and depend solely on child support are weak and an embarrassment to the rest of us self sufficient women out there. 90% of women who take money from their husbands after a divorce are admitting that they are mentally and physically and emotionally incapable of pulling themselves up by the boot straps and making a better life for themselves ??? even after divorce they are still wholly dependant on men. Pathetic ??? and this is who gets the kids in almost every case in Washington State ??? great example MOMS!!!

what a perfect devorce it made me laugh they don.t alll end on a happy note and perfect end like that DO They.