Not Your Dad's Divorce

To MLBAKER,

I agree with your comments...I am a parent and a step-parent too. I love all my kids the same eventhough the steps are looked at as wicked and evil. I sounds as though you are a great step parent and lucy to have a good relationship with the mom

Take care!

I commend the author for putting her children before her own feelings and working out a shared custody arrangement with her ex but sadly, so many mothers are not so mature or insightful. Fathers rarely get shared custody unless the mother agrees to it. It's not logical or in children's best interest to let one parent have so much power over the situation due to their gender, when this power is so easily abused. As mentioned, shared custody is hard, but it is a much better than the alternative of a child not getting to see the non custodial parent adequately. I agree with Dr. Holstein that it should be assumed shared custody unless one of the parents is deemed unfit. The current family court situation pits parents against each with a "winner" and a "loser". There are bound to be bad feelings from that outcome. If there is a huge discrepency in salaries between the parents, the high salaried parent will end up paying practically the same amount of child maintenance and the majority of the child care and any extraordinary expenses anyways, in the current system so a low income women would barely be penalized. That being said, women need to take the responsibilty of getting education and job skills so they can be adequate providers themselves and not rely on a man's income. I feel an immense sadness for all the good father's out there who have been prevented from having equal parenting input and punished for being good providers. I feel even sadder for the children who are robbed of an adequate amount of time with a good father.

P.S. The situation for unmarried fathers is even worse. They have even less parenting rights than divorced fathers. I'd like to see more stats and articles about this as it is a growing phenomenom these days. Children of unmarried fathers deserve equality as well.

-Dissapointed equalitarian feminist in Canada

My fiance was also way screwed of his fatherly rights. His ex-wife moved to another state without his consent while they were in the process of getting some sort of visitation arrangement. He has been trying to contact her for almost three years, and just when we finally get another court date she all of sudden calls him to inform him that he has no rights and that her new husband has adopted their two sons who are now 5 and 3. And all the judge can do is tell us that we have to go to Washington (where the children are living) to fight the adoption. My fiance desperately wants to be in his children's lives and she wants him to have nothing to do with them, and shes getting away with it. Tell me how is this legal?

And I have also lived the other side of it. My ex didn't pay as much child support as he should have, to compensate for the travel expenses for visits. What visits?! Two times in over 6 years?! Help pay for formal dresses, 6 total in her 4 years in HS? Nope. Help pay for her driving classes, which are required by our state? Nope. He went so far as to want to give her a sports car when she turned 16. The insurance payments alone would have been over $400/mth. I told him go ahead and give it to her, but that he would pay the insurance. He told her that I said no to the car. He played that one wrong, though. I told her the story before he could get to her. She ended up driving the family car. Not as flashy, but it got her around OK. She understood better that we couldn't afford the insurance and it was just silly to try. That would have been almost all the child support, for pete's sake! What about keeping a roof over her head and food in her belly? He paid 50% of her medical bills that insurance didn't pay, but only because it was court ordered. BTW, he is military, if he didn't pay what the court ordered, the courts would have been the least of his worries, the military would have gotten involved. Oh yeah, and when he was overseas it was MY FAULT that he didn't get to talk to her as often. As often as when? When he was state-side he might call twice a month, maybe. Even when she was grounded if her father called she was given the phone to talk to him, she was also given time each day to check her email so she could keep in touch with him. When she was grounded, she was grounded, period. But we made exceptions where her dad was concerned. But I was always the bad guy. The worst part? She fell for it! I was the horrible person who wouldn't "allow" her to visit. I was the horrible person who wouldn't "allow" her to have contact with her father. But when she was angry with him and calling him names I would tell her "he is your father and you will not talk about him that way", but I'M THE BAD GUY!!!!!!! Even now, she moved out of my house in anger, hardly talks to me, and why? Because I was just SO mean to her. As I stated in my earlier post, PAS (which is what he did, only from a distance) hurts the kids the most. She is struggling now, trying to pay bills and put herself through school. Even without her father's help I was willing to help her with college, and did for the first part of this school year, until she cut me off. I will not play the games, I have to draw the line somewhere and not allow her to walk all over me. But these are the lessons she learned from a parent whose primary goal in life is to ruin my life, to do what he can to hurt me, and my child treating me this way is the only way he can hurt me and he knows it.

Laws need to change for the fathers. Women are vendictive and take advantage of the system that allows them too. Both parents should have equal share to each other expecially when the father is doing all he can, stable job, makes sure he has all the neccessities for the child(ren) and loves them and just wants to share in the experinece of thier life. Parents divorce each other not the child(ren. The resentment the exes feel they need to understand they are partially responsible for what casued the divorce in the first place. Everyone shoud love the child(ren) more than want to be angry or hate the other. The law needs to understand the women are not the only victims. Men are victoms too. If there is no domestic violence and no other issues parents should share custody 50/50. The kids should not have to suffer. The kids should be able to love both parents the same and not be fearful of loving the other parent. While I am not pleased with my ex-husband all the time nor with the choices he makes my kids are free to love their father no matter what. I don't restrict them from calling their dad or seeing their dad. They need him too. Furthermore, the kids will hold a grudge later in life if I allowed my issues to interfere with their relationship. My husbands ex is very vindictive and simply wants a support check. This should not be tolerated and definetely not in the childs best interest. I hope the courts starts to realize all the tricks that can be played and who is the one playing the tricks whether it be the man or the woman.

To Michelle09,
I am a stepmother and resent your comments. I promised my husband and his children that I would do my very best to be a mother to them in our household and out of it. I attend all of their activities and volunteer for their school/sport functions right along with their mother. We have a very open relationship and they know that there can never be too many people in the world who love them. Yes there are bad ex wives, ex husbands, stepmother and stepfathers. But don't label people you don't know and don't say that stepparents don't have anything to do with the children. They have everything to do with them if they are trying to provide a stable household for them.

Laws need to change for the fathers. Women are vendictive and take advantage of the system that allows them too. Both parents should have equal share to each other expecially when the father is doing all he can, stable job, makes sure he has all the neccessities for the child(ren) and loves them and just wants to share in the experinece of thier life. Parents divorce each other not the child(ren. The resentment the exes feel they need to understand they are partially responsible for what casued the divorce in the first place. Everyone shoud love the child(ren) more than want to be angry or hate the other. The law needs to understand the women are not the only victims. Men are victoms too. If there is no domestic violence and no other issues parents should share custody 50/50. The kids should not have to suffer. The kids should be able to love both parents the same and not be fearful of loving the other parent. While I am not pleased with my ex-husband all the time nor with the choices he makes my kids are free to love their father no matter what. I don't restrict them from calling their dad or seeing their dad. They need him too. Furthermore, the kids will hold a grudge later in life if I allowed my issues to interfere with their relationship. My husbands ex is very vindictive and simply wants a support check. This should not be tolerated and definetely not in the childs best interest. I hope the courts starts to realize all the tricks that can be played and who is the one playing the tricks whether it be the man or the woman.

We were divorcd in Nebraska too. So, I know the situations there very well. It's not all fair there and I am speaking from the Mother's point of view.

i am a single father of a 10 yr old girl,i have had physical custody for about 6 yrs. i don't want to keep her from her mother .what i want is for my daughter to decide when she goes to her mom's not her her mom.i don't ask for support so i think she should at least give us this.what do i do.

I'm screwed on both accounts. My husband of 6 years has to pay 600$ a month to a son he is not allowed to see. MY EX is a looser and wont even pay his 200$ a month, but expects me to break my neck to let him see his son. I think NOT. My husband is getting screwed 6 ways to sunday and but when I try to get the measly money from my ex, I can't get any help from anyone. We have debated several times about having a DNA test done on my husbands son. I still think she is using him for his money because she won't let him see his son. she won't commit to a DNA test, this proves to me that the affairs she had during their marriage may have produced this boy, Who is now 13.
It all seems a like a lot of BS from either side if you ask me.

I think a shared custday is great if that what the father really wants. mine just wants to do whatever he can to cut or pay less child support. to him it is paying me and he would rather take me back to court over and over again to adjust his support payment down. he plays the role when necessary like right before a court date he becomes father of the year. The rest of the time is missed days cuz he is sick with the hang over flu or trade days because he really has more important things to do like play, go to college basketball etc. He thinks by saying hey I would like to buy you a car son, is the best thing ever. he never ever follows through and just doesnt get the action speaks louder than words. The system has always backed him because he cares. Cares, whatever the sytem ihas switched from the ex wife who is evil and unfaithful gets everything. Now it the father of the year who all he really wants is to get out of paying child supoort, gets all the benefits. I'm blown away by the judicial systems and how they award time with the children. If the judical system really though about the best interest in the children they wouldn't put them through the everyother weekend and tue/thur till 8pm and everyother wed. until 8pm. They would work out something that is more stable for the children not disruptive . The perople the courts should be looking out for is the children's best interest. Not the father seems to have a heart so lets give him this discombulated schedule to please him. The cheildren should be on a set schedule that makes the transiton easy. Reality is that on paper it looks like the fahter wants to participate, but after all is said and done the every other weekend worksd best for most fathers. Not all, but most. The statistics are skewed becuase it is based on the decision,the court handed down not what really transpires after. I have seen even the best fathers start to fade away in thier children's life because they get involved in thier own needs. Most mom's jst focus on their children thats who and how women are. And their are the mom's who like my children's father who just walk away and lieae their children.they can lack partening skills. i bet if you look at the responses it is the courts decision of trusting the good in people who lie and leaving the baggage for those of us who truly care for the children to clean. Wake up America and stop the insanity.

I agree with 'jmd78' - My husband got screwed on the financial side even though he was about 2/3 physical custody - the mother doesn't pay a dime for anything! She is now refusing to contribute to their college educations and she is the one who walked out of the family home and then sued my husband 4 times over 6 years for more access to the kids. She even convinced them to lie to the judge. We both had to undergo psychological evaluations that cost a small fortune and the man she left my husband for was supposedly her 'roommate' and also an illegal alien! They got married 8 days after the first court date... The saga continues and always will with her. She is the bitter one and my husband is the most wonderful Dad any kid could ever want or need.

I agree with 'jmd78' - My husband got screwed on the financial side even though he was about 2/3 physical custody - the mother doesn't pay a dime for anything! She is now refusing to contribute to their college educations and she is the one who walked out of the family home and then sued my husband 4 times over 6 years for more access to the kids. She even convinced them to lie to the judge. We both had to undergo psychological evaluations that cost a small fortune and the man she left my husband for was supposedly her 'roommate' and also an illegal alien! They got married 8 days after the first court date... The saga continues and always will with her. She is the bitter one and my husband is the most wonderful Dad any kid could ever want or need.

i have sole legal custody of my 2boys and my other two kids i have sole legal joint custody with the other father and down here in Va the laws are totally different they are strict on the fathers that do work and pay child support but thefathers that dont work and have an outstnading balance with child support they dont try to push the issues with them they let them go SCOTT FREE and its not fair me being the parent of 4 and single parent that we should go through the CHILD SUPPORT to take care of the kids