Not Your Dad's Divorce

Unfortunately, it sounds like you got the typical "dad treatment."

I think the security of having a "mom" and a "dad" far outweighs the security of having a "home." What about military kids who move every few years? They don't have the security of a "home" either. Not having a single residence may not be the ideal, but it's far better than losing a parent.

We should be worried about FAMILIES! You don't like dealing with custody laws??? Fix the broken family.

I am the product of a "lets stay married for the children," marriage. My parents were miserable and we could tell. My mother spent her life trying to please my father. Constantly changing her hair, weight levels, cooking styles you named. If a marriage support magazine or book recommended it, my mother tried it and for what? For my sisters to grow up thinking that this was how marriage worked and that it was their job to keep their husbands happy. I on the other hand, did not realize that it was not the right way to treat your wife. Everyone gave my poor mother the same speech, "do it for your children," "make him happy and you'll be happy," "it is not as if he is cheating on you," "if you divorce him, you'll be poor," "he is not hitting you, " and other brilliant advice. My mother died not knowing the pleasure of real love and affection, I never remembered them kissing or holding hands, I grew up thinking that it was inappropriate for married couples to show affection to each other in front of their children, an excuse my mother made any time we asked my dad never kissed her or us. I made a disaster of my first marriage, my first wife and our daughter paid the price for my upbringing, and although I don't know the validity of your statistics, I am a happy second marriage, and so is my ex-wife, whom I will always be thankful for not "sticiking it out," and instead setting us free. For her it was listening to our daughter then five years of age, tell a friend that she had a sad mommy and an angry dad all the time. Like my father, although I did not raise my voice, her mother's cries for my attention, were dismissed as "nagging," and "whinning," just as my father described my mother. I have been happily married 15 years and have to thank years of therapy to undue all the "learnings" about marriage, that I acquired while growing up. Please do not generalize, some of us, much have rather been in a single home, than watching two people waste away in misery while setting the wrong example about marriage.

I am the product of a "lets stay married for the children," marriage. My parents were miserable and we could tell. My mother spent her life trying to please my father. Constantly changing her hair, weight levels, cooking styles you named. If a marriage support magazine or book recommended it, my mother tried it and for what? For my sisters to grow up thinking that this was how marriage worked and that it was their job to keep their husbands happy. I on the other hand, did not realize that it was not the right way to treat your wife. Everyone gave my poor mother the same speech, "do it for your children," "make him happy and you'll be happy," "it is not as if he is cheating on you," "if you divorce him, you'll be poor," "he is not hitting you, " and other brilliant advice. My mother died not knowing the pleasure of real love and affection, I never remembered them kissing or holding hands, I grew up thinking that it was inappropriate for married couples to show affection to each other in front of their children, an excuse my mother made any time we asked my dad never kissed her or us. I made a disaster of my first marriage, my first wife and our daughter paid the price for my upbringing, and although I don't know the validity of your statistics, I am a happy second marriage, and so is my ex-wife, whom I will always be thankful for not "sticiking it out," and instead setting us free. For her it was listening to our daughter then five years of age, tell a friend that she had a sad mommy and an angry dad all the time. Like my father, although I did not raise my voice, her mother's cries for my attention, were dismissed as "nagging," and "whinning," just as my father described my mother. I have been happily married 15 years and have to thank years of therapy to undue all the "learnings" about marriage, that I acquired while growing up. Please do not generalize, some of us, much have rather been in a single home, than watching two people waste away in misery while setting the wrong example about marriage.

That sounds great in a perfect world, but not all divorces are due to folks easily throwing the towel in. In cases of chronic adultery, domestic abuse, alcoholism, substance abuse, emotional abuse, etc., divorce becomes a necessity. Unless you've lived it, please do not rush to judge others. I was divorced at a very young age. I was his second wife and he went on to marry three more. He died after his fifth divorce. If he hadn't, he'd probably have married more. He had four children from four different women (I remained childless) and failed to adequately support any of them. Sometimes, people have issues. Trying to work out viable solutions with problematic people is a nightmare

I was in you shoes 11 years ago. My husband and I got custody. She couldn't provide adequate meals, dental care, child care, etc even with child support. But you know what? If you can provide these things, no matter who is legally bound, do it. Saying you can not wait for your attorney to "kill her on the stand" is wrong. Trust me, I learned the hard way. No matter how bad a mother she is, she is still their Mom and they will always love her. You sound like you are too caught up in all the details and how terrible she is. Just keep doing for the children what she can't or won't. You are better off putting your energy into the children that into proving her wrong. One day the children will know who cared and put them first.

Amen!

Oh, yes, we know know, woman are not abusers of any sort. Not to men, not to children....Their just victims, just like you, right?......................Whatever.....Get over him, and get a life.

That Special Bond with mothers, that Some point to, only lasts as long as the Prolactin is flowing???then it???s Biologically ???Even-Steven??? between parents..

I'm with lrmedic--nothing will change until more Judges were / are happily raised by their Fathers. No Law, policy, or training will change this.
My kids have no relationship anymore with their Mom....couldn't get the Court to see how abusive she was / is...When they got old enough--they split. They didn???t even bother to listen to the Adults / Courts / therapists anymore???it got pretty bad. I got /get no child Support. No College. No Nothing. Everyone openly admits it???s a crime???but she skates free.
Meanwhile, I???m in therapy sessions with the kids???explaining ???Life ain???t fair???..over and over.

If more judges were raised by a Man--men might have a chance at 50-50 ....til then, Men are just screwed. I sound just like a feminist form the 60???s..!!
Yet, No Fathers raising kids???equals--thus , no change in attitude--a Royal Catch-22 !!
I need another ???Law??? that is ignored??? like a fish needs another bicycle ! ( I hope this indeed sounds familiar???)

Oh, and I'm a Lawyer...it comes no easier...knowing what is supposed to happen ( Law and behaviors) vs. what actually does happen.(untasteful reality)
The Law is truly Blind???to it???s own biases. Teachers come a close second???atleast in Omaha. MD???s are up there, too !

The kids lose. Stability is the casualty.

I know several Judges who have completely ???flip-flopped??? their views --when it was their own Son???mired in one of these ???Bad-Mommy??? Dramas. Duuuh,???Suddenly they got rapidly closer to 50-50 , Joint Custody, (with teeth in it) and are more willing to change custody when they should???.but they are few and far between. ???Forum Shopping??? away from them by Women ??? You better believe it. !!

Do you need Another ???Bicycle?????? Men ?? I don???t ???-the one I got, .. rusted away from non-use. Glass ceilings, indeed. !

I know too many men who are just shown the door, and don???t fight for their kids future. I???m glad I didn???t quit???albeit, I questioned why???on many nights.

It is easier to walk away???per the current system. That is probably why I fought to stay..
I thought of my sons and what they would go thru ???if they Divorced with kids, and why I didn???t fight for them.

You aren't from South Dakota, are you? I'm not surprised that those jackbooted feminazis at CSE told you they wouldn't arrest your ex-wife. There are definitely two sets of laws, and if you're male, your ass is grass. They will chase you to the ends of the earth and take up to 50% of your pay, but a woman gets away with murder. Get a second job and they'll snatch most of that as well. Don't look for fairness in a divorce, especially here. The highly biased courts in this state will nail your hide(If you're a male) to the barn door and laugh in your face. I spent years in Child Support Hell, and I'm glad I'm finally out of it. CSE workers are PARASITES.of the lowest order.

I'm with medic--nothing will change until Judges were happily raised by Fathers. No Law, policy, or training will change this.
My kids have no relationship anymore with their Mom....couldn't get the Court to see how abusive she was / is...When they got old enough--they split. I got /get no child Support.
If judged were raised by a Man--we might have a chance...til then Men are just screwed. Yet, No Fathers raising kids--no change in attitude--a Royal Catch-22 !!
Oh and I'm a Lawyer...it comes no easier...knowing what supposed to happen versus what actually does happen.

Many fathers think by paying child support they are "buying" their time with their child. And if their "property" is not quickly and on their demands turned over as desired for the payment they spent on said property, straight into custody court. Best dad in the world! So wronged in the past! Wah Wah Wah.

As a daughter of parents who remained married "for the sake of their children", let me warn against remaining in a loveless marriage. The anger, abuse, and tension whitnessed EVERY DAY was scarring. As for this article, it suggests that in some cases Joint Custody may not be the better fit, but that it requires one parent to conceed. What happens to that parent, may I ask? They are forever condemned as the "Deadbeat" (mother or father) that did not want their children though that could not be further from the truth. They were merely the ones with the forethought to know it was better for the CHILD to sacrifice much of their rights. Yes, perhaps "rights" can be viewed as ownership to ones child, similar to slavery as the boyscout referred. Does not a parent have the right to desire time with their child?? So when said time is sacrificed for the betterment of the child, what happens to that parent? Sure, many people can hide behind the guise that Family Court is all for the well being of the child. That parents should grow up and put the child first. Perhaps more credit needs to go to these parents that are willing to hide in the shadows so that their children can seek the sunshine and grow. Give these alleged Deadbeat parents who do not seek joint custody credit for their values. For what it's worth, I'm a stepmother who has had to whitness her husbands relationship with his son hang in the balance of an unfair, bitter ex. He always does what he feels is best for his son, though it often goes unnoticed or is twisted into a "deadbeat dad" stereotype.