Not Your Dad's Divorce

I have worked in family law for 17 years. I have seen countless marriages dissolved in a bad way. The fight is normally about money and then kids. I feel that each state should make it a process in the marriage application that tells how the couple would dissolve their marriage if it ever came to that. They need to do this with a clear head and not the one that is normally there in the heat of divorce. This would at least put a tentaive agreement in place while the mariage is dissolved. It would be a fair agreement and could only be modified if the situation warranted it.

The change has been way too SLOW in coming. Fathers of today are fighting the same unnecessary battles I was fighting in 1978 - the ex-wife honoring court ordered visitation without interference, alienation of affections, constant interferences by the step father, abuse by the step father that the courts refused to seriously consider. It was and still is a nightmare for fathers. Men are guaranteed equal protection under the law by the United States Constitution, but the only thing the courts worry about every day of the week is 'women's rights'. The system is skewed, gender biased, and men need to FIGHT THE FIGHT for their sake and sake of their children. Fathers have as much right to equal access to his children and the mother. Mothers for some odd reason, view the children as 'property' - her property. Although it is too late for me, I will continue to fight for the rights of fathers until the day I die. It is that important. Odd that women expect men to constantly 'support them and their causes', yet women NEVER support men and their causes. It is time they start supporting our causes, or time we stop supporting theirs - enough is enough. .

I have worked in family law since 1991. I have watched countless families being destroyed by the process of divorce. Too many raw emotions come out in divorce. It normally focuses around children or money issues. I feel that each state should adopt a process in the marriage application process that makes them sketch out a tentative custody agreement in case the worst happens in the marriage. I don't feel people should enter into marriage without first deciding (in their right mind) how they would dissolve it.

I found this article "interesting" to say the least. My ex NEVER asked to see his kids other than his assigned times. The kids didn't want to see him at all but I pushed them to go. I tried to let them know he was a good dad but then he would not be a dad when they were around. He wanted out of the marriage so he could "live, not exist." When our kids were around him he had parties with all sorts of people (mainly women), he would not come home after a night out partying or he would let his women friends' kids bully my kids. He never once paid anything besides his child support even though the documents stated he was to share half the medical expenses. I never went to court to up his support even though he got several promotions but now he accuses me of being a money hungry bitch. I think that there should be a mandatory review every two years to re-assess. My children are happy, healthy and grown. He refuses to see them because they are like me.

Eqaul rights mean, equal rights. Not just to a womans benifit. All you ever hear is how men have kept woman from growing. Well, I can say just the opposite. Men should have equal rights to their children. To grow with them. Not just see them every other weekend at McDonalds. You want to see something pathetic? Go to a McDonalds on a sunday. See a Man who just drove x amount of miles just to see his kids, when his wife says so. Yet woman cant figure out why men are affraid of commitment. Its not the committment their affraid of. If things dont work out, what are a mans options? Live a life he no longer wants or do what hes told with his money and his kids. What is the best of the two evils.

JZL, fine, except that there then should be a provision whereby the child has the same statute of limitation after reaching the age of majority. Because that money is for the child, not the mother. Frankly, I still do not think it is a good idea - How do you go after someone if you can't find them?

Terrydog, you are correct, but sometimes there are things out of one's control, such as military service, etc. The whole article is about the courts' change in attitude. Money is not mentioned very much except to say it SHOULDN'T be part of the consideration of custody, or the reason for more/less access.

Love that this is becoming the trend, and I love that the author has done this and is advocating it. This Christmas, my funny family will be all under one roof - kid, mom, dad, stepmom - and I could not be more excited. I was 19 before that ever happened with my parents. And while ort custody arrangement is still the every-other-weekend arrangement, it's always an option on being with whoever she wants to be with. Custody, like child support, is for the children.

Child custody in this country is still heavily skewed in favor of females and must change like all other forms of discrimination. The fairest custody outcomes I have seen are in Canada where the default is for both parents to share equal physical custody. It is set up with one full week with mom and then one full week with dad and continues like that. It eliminates ugly custody battles and minimizes communication issues and travel hassles by making it a consistent time and place for exchanging the kids once a week. I've never seen kids and parents so happy in a post-divorce situation and would love to see this as the default arrangement in America!

I was the man who had to surrender custody to go into the military. I needed to grow up, and at 28 so far hadn't made much progress. Shortly after I joined the military, the child support order came. I did my best to pay it (or risk military justice), and then I met my wife. She helped me to see that it was not only right, but the honorable and manly thing to do...pay child support. My exwife wasn't the kind to negotiate. She remarried three months after the divorce, and moved to the other side of the state. I saw my kids rarely. Now they are grown, and I see them about as much...rarely. They say they forgive me....
A man may have to work two jobs to pay child support, but there is nothing like the feeling of my kids being adults and knowing that at least as far as that goes, I did it right.

my exhusband and I have worked very hard to keep things even for our son. When we divorced I got full legal and physical custody of our son. I never restricted my son from seeing his father. He even took him across country several times to see his paternal grandparents.
I have only evoked the divorce agreement once - my son's junior year and his involvment in band. I won.
I can't say it has been easy. My ex remarried and that hurt very much.
But we have become a very interesting famiily: my immediate family, the ex's family, his wife's family, her ex husband's family and his new wife's family. Birthdays in our brood are all in July and August - and we have the party at our house.
It has not been easy but it is easier than throwing mud at each other.
This past Thanksgiving, myself, my ex-sister-in-law and his wife went Christmas shopping for my ex-mother-in-law.
We are an interesting family with many, many quirks. But it works for us.

My X and I have been divorced over 10 years. We have two boys together. They are now 15 and 12. They have spent every other night at my home and every other night at her home since the day we divorced. Every other weekend they spend at alternating homes.

Although this not a perfect situation I feel it is the best possible. Parents need to understand that when they divorce the person they married, they can't divorce the mutual responsibility to parent together. This does take a high level of grace, forgivness, and patience. But, for the kids it is worth it. They don't feel like visitors in either home (which is nice as I am now re-married and have two step daughters--having the boys feel like visitors would make them feel less than family).

We found that having school as the buffer between the "hand offs" worked well. Only on rare occasions do we have to "get the kids" to the other parent. On her night she pickes them up from the bus stop, on ours, we do. This makes things so much easier on the kids as it isn't always in their face with the typical "hand off" transition of saying goodby to one parent and having to leave with the other.

There needs to be a statue of limitations on child support. If the parent doesn't go after it in say 5 years, they shouldn't be able to wait indefinitely to get it, racking up interest in the meantime...

When my husband and I divorced, I receieved full physical and legal custody. He didn't fight for custody. I never stop him from seeing his son and he even took him across country to see his parents several times. The only time I had to invoke the divorce agreement was in my son's junior year and band. Our family has become a blended family with my immediate family, his family and his wife's family and her ex-husband's family and his new wife's family. We are quite a brood. Just this Thanksgiving I went shopping with my ex-sister-in-law and my ex's current wife looking for christmas presents for my ex-mother-in-law. I know it's not the norm but we have worked very hard. There are times, trust me but we are better for working hard at keeping things as even as possible.

My X and I have been divorced over 10 years. We have two boys together. They are now 15 and 12. They have spent every other night at my home and every other night at her home since the day we divorced. Every other weekend they spend at alternating homes.

Although this not a perfect situation I feel it is the best possible. Parents need to understand that when they divorce the person they married, they can't divorce the mutual responsibility to parent together. This does take a high level of grace, forgivness, and patience. But, for the kids it is worth it. They don't feel like visitors in either home (which is nice as I am now re-married and have two step daughters--having the boys feel like visitors would make them feel less than family).

We found that having school as the buffer between the "hand offs" worked well. Only on rare occasions do we have to "get the kids" to the other parent. On her night she pickes them up from the bus stop, on ours, we do. This makes things so much easier on the kids as it isn't always in their face with the typical "hand off" transition of saying goodby to one parent and having to leave with the other.

as long as the fathers job is more important that being a father and raising the child nothing will change
both need to pcik a geogrpahic location to live for the child rearing years
then look for work in that area
and then live on wjhat they earn
it is money or proper rasing of children
the courts still put money ahead of proper rasing of children

I think there should be a statue of limitations on child support - if the parent doesn't go after it in a certain number of years, say 5, then the parent isn't entitled to ANY back child support.

as long as the fathers job takes priority over the fathers relationship nothing can be changed,
parents raise kids near each other and then look for work or a job
and live on what they can earn
and live in a geographiical area where they both can afford to live on income they earn

I would have loved for my ex-husband to want to be with the kids. Instead he sued me 8 times to get out of childsupport, quit his job to have no income right before every lawsuit. Finally he got down to $12/month for 2 children based on my income being higher and his time with our kids. Once he got down to that amount of money, the judge told him to leave me alone and just be a parent to our kids. Well there was nothing more for him to gain, so he...rarely saw the kids after that. Never contributed a dime in 1 years above those $12/month even as he then worked full time and bought himself every man toy out there. I put both our kids through college all by myself. I meet more woman with this situation....than I do the ideal father wants to actually put his child's interests above his own.

WHen me and my husband split, my girls were 5 and 6 years old. I took only two things when I left - MY GIRLS!! Never fought for child support, refused to be labeled a "poor" little single parent, and made sure that my girls were happy! Today, my girls are 28 & 29 years old. Both colege grads, I am a proud grandmother os a bright 8 year old! Am I happy?? You betcha!!! Where is my ex-husband? Just got out of jail after serving a 5 year sentence for weapons and drugs. He has been in and out of the system for years because he feels that no one; not even God, can tell him what to do!!! BUT, I do agree that both parents should help raise the kids; if this is the case, and if the kids are happy, that's all that matters!!