Not Your Dad's Divorce

Of course the ultimate good would be to have joint physical but it's rare that is a possibility. I am married to a man who has fought alienation the entire 14 years he's been divorced. You have to love your kids more than hate your ex spouse to make things work. The problem I have with this article is of course, it's generalized. We're all smart enough to know there is no one size fits all in divorce situations.

This is all fine and good when the parents get along reasonably well. My ex-husband was, and still -after 26 years- is domestically violent. He told my son and me he would kill me, beat and threw things at his curent wife with our son present, and allowed a step-daughter to sexually abuse our son for a number of years. I tried to get the courts and law enforcement to pay attention- but I didn't have enough money and my ex-husband can be incredibly charming. The judge always ruled in my ex's favor- and said, at one point, "I'm trying to give him as many opportunities as possible to be a good dad." My ex-husband was never a "good," responsible dad. I was so happy when our son turned 18 years old and I no longer had a legal obigation to my ex. Now- our son has no contact with his father; his father told our son to "f*** off" last August. In my profession, I found much mis-understanding about domestic violence and child abuse, and a significant lack of state-level funding for family services workers and court personnel. People working in court and family service systems must become highly competent to effectively address issues of domestic violence, child abuse, and the various, intricate needs of children and families; higher levels of funding are needed for adequate staffing, training, and staff supervision. Also, much more needs to be done to educate the general public about these issues, so that societal reponse is more supportive of healthy family situations in divorce cases.

After having spent all my savings in a bitterly contested divorce that lasted almost 4 years, after having never missed a child support payment, after having to struggle with two jobs to make ends meet while I live in a rental apartment and my ex lives in a house that I bought for her and continue to pay the mortgage for, I can say that we can all thank the legal system that supports what amounts to a divorce industry. Lawyers, social workers, private investigators and forensic accountants promote continuation of this adversarial system. After my ex and I told our attorneys to take a break, met directly with the judge in chambers and hammered out our own agreement did we know peace. Since we settled, she is the primary custodial parent, we make joint decisions, we realize that we will be in each other's lives forever and have even maintained a cordial, warm friendship. We would have been miserable married to each other - but we are united in our love of our children and seek their best interests. Sure, I am positive that we have a lot to criticize each other over - but choose to live and let live in the interests of preserving a certain amount of serenity for our kids. Remember - this was a bitter divorce that was fought fiercely. Peace is possible - it begins with listening and understanding your ex. Not all mothers are into "alienation" and not every dad is a "deadbeat".

Interesting to me. When I was growing up in Massachusetts, my mother practically raised us kids alone, because Dad was always leaving for some reason or another. I was born in 1933, and my brother in 1937, and my sister in 1941 and another sister in 1945. Even in those years, if my mother divorced my father, he would have got the children, only for the reason he was the father. She divorced him once, and then discovered that to have a home, she had to be married to him, so she did, and they stayed together until we moved in 1954 to California. There, when he left again, and we knew not where, she divorced him. This time because she knew Mothers were able to keep their children. I am so grateful that the laws gave her that right, because she was a noble mother, and a good one. I really think our laws ought to have a consistancy in the whole nation, and that each case is to be considered carefully, for both mother and father are not always good parents. I also believe in NO FAULT DIVORCES because it damages the children immensely to have to testify against a parent. Thank you June Estelle Cash bmtsjune51@gmail.com

I agree in theory with the idea that the child needs an advocate. The problem with having an advocate in every case paid for equally by the parents is that divorce is a process that shends all parties' economic circumstances downward rapidly. And it doesn't stop with the case. Each side must often live economically inefficient lives in that both sides have to have three-bedroom houses for two kids, for example, where two bedrooms are empty while the child is with the other parent. To add more cost (and I doubt child advocates would be cheap--I am betting you are looking at at least $100 an hour for many hours) is to take away from that child's college education, the child's clothing, both family's housing money, and other important economic items.

If the parents can get along well enough to make joint custody work, why get divorced in the first place?

Divorce is equally as tough financially on both the husband and the wife. Check out these other articles on the same topic:
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resource_directory/your-finances-and-divorce.htm

Divorce is financially tough on both the husband and the wife. Check out these other articles on the same subject:
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resource_directory/your-finances-and-divorce.htm

Frankly, this article sounds more like theraputic journaling from a parent who has disrupted her kids lives than it sounds like good journalism.

This is still just about adult selfishness.

If Mom and Dad must have their relationship freedom, the kids would still prefer a single house inhabited by themselves, their Mom and Dad. The willingness to do that is the willingness to be an adults.

Adults are selfish. Like corporate boards and CEOs, they rig the game by talking to each other, and never listening to the kdis. Then the courts come in and act like they are doing what is best for the kids. Which makes the judge feel special and powerful.

Children and kids each have a right, given by nature, to be with each other every day.

When adults grow up, and are willing to assume that they have a commitment to their kids first and foremost, and that their own personal lives can have an outlet, but the kids are primary, it will be a happy day.

The divorce establishment is an unholy mess working against the legitimate, good faith, and natural desires of small humans, called kids.

Now tell me, if you had put the same amount of saving the marriage as you did the divorce - who woul dbe better of for it. I am sorry, when you bring children into this world, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You give a good part of your wants and life and start to bring the next generation of children to become responsible adults. These children of divorced parents are crying you. How hard was it really to bend even a lot and try and be friends with the wife/husband that you were intimate with?

What you do now has consequenses for generations, remember that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Family Court is an unregulated business. This was not mentioned in the article.
See www.FamilyLawCourts.com/ongoing.html