Not Your Dad's Divorce

Let me guess...you must be the custodial parent.

Copy and paste much? Do you actually have anything in your own words to contribute to the conversation?

ColdinCA: You wouldn't believe that my son was physically abused by his mother before 5 years old. I reported to CPS 3 times and the social worker interviewed my son. My son said he was hit by his mother and grandparents(they all came from mainland China). They use my son as the object for their anger, revenge and a tool to make huge financial gains on child support payment they receive. They all have money to buy big houses, Lexus SUV's, go to restaurants often, good clothes & shoes. They wouldn't spend the child support money on my son's clothes and shoes to go to his school. He wears worn out clothes and shoes to school on Mondays and Fridays from his mother's. He said his mother is too lazy to help him with school homework. So, I have to double up on helping his homework, love and care and fun with him. My son is 5 years old now. He has been telling that his mother tells him she hates him. She doesn't care about him he tells her when he feels cold. He cracked the back of his head his head with 3 staples put in the back of his head in emergency room at Kaiser when he was told to jump on a rocker and numerous cuts and bruises. Yet, I have to pay for her attorney & accountant fees during the divorce and every time I seek the custody modification. My son refuses to go his mother when I have to send him to his mother. He said I don't want to go to my mother and why do I have to go to my mother. He used to cry when he had to when he was younger. The judges don't know the issues inherent to a communist culture growing up there. Lying is the cultural norm and using their children as a tool for selfish gains is the norm. Our family court system plays into their prey. My horror ordeal imposed the family court is similar to yours except the added abuses to my son. (to be continued...)

ColdinCA: You wouldn't believe that my son was physically abused by his mother before 5 years old. I reported to CPS 3 times and the social worker interviewed my son. My son said he was hit by his mother and grandparents(they all came from mainland China). They use my son as the object for their anger, revenge and a tool to make huge financial gains on child support payment they receive. They all have money to buy big houses, Lexus SUV's, go to restaurants often, good clothes & shoes. They wouldn't spend the child support money on my son's clothes and shoes to go to his school. He wears worn out clothes and shoes to school on Mondays and Fridays from his mother's. He said his mother is too lazy to help him with school homework. So, I have to double up on helping his homework, love and care and fun with him. My son is 5 years old now. He has been telling that his mother tells him she hates him. She doesn't care about him he tells her when he feels cold. He cracked the back of his head his head with 3 staples put in the back of his head in emergency room at Kaiser when he was told to jump on a rocker and numerous cuts and bruises. Yet, I have to pay for her attorney & accountant fees during the divorce and every time I seek the custody modification. My son refuses to go his mother when I have to send him to his mother. He said I don't want to go to my mother and why do I have to go to my mother. He used to cry when he had to when he was younger. The judges don't know the issues inherent to a communist culture growing up there. Lying is the cultural norm and using their children as a tool for selfish gains is the norm. Our family court system plays into their prey. My horror ordeal imposed the family court is similar to yours except the added abuses to my son.

ColdinCA: You wouldn't believe that my son was physically abused by his mother before 5 years old. I reported to CPS 3 times and the social worker interviewed my son. My son said he was hit by his mother and grandparents(they all came from mainland China). They use my son as the object for their anger, revenge and a tool to make huge financial gains on child support payment they receive. They all have money to buy big houses, Lexus SUV's, go to restaurants often, good clothes & shoes. They wouldn't spend the child support money on my son's clothes and shoes to go to his school. He wears worn out clothes and shoes to school on Mondays and Fridays from his mother's. He said his mother is too lazy to help him with school homework. So, I have to double up on helping his homework, love and care and fun with him. My son is 5 years old now. He has been telling that his mother tells him she hates him. She doesn't care about him he tells her when he feels cold. He cracked the back of his head his head with 3 staples put in the back of his head in emergency room at Kaiser when he was told to jump on a rocker and numerous cuts and bruises. Yet, I have to pay for her attorney & accountant fees during the divorce and every time I seek the custody modification. My son refuses to go his mother when I have to send him to his mother. He said I don't want to go to my mother and why do I have to go to my mother. He used to cry when he had to when he was younger. The judges don't know the issues inherent to a communist culture growing up there. Lying is the cultural norm and using their children as a tool for selfish gains is the norm. Our family court system plays into their prey. My horror ordeal imposed the family court is similar to yours except the added abuses to my son.

ColdinCA: You wouldn't believe that my son was physically abused by his mother before 5 years old. I reported to CPS 3 times and the social worker interviewed my son. My son said he was hit by his mother and grandparents(they all came from mainland China). They use my son as the object for their anger, revenge and a tool to make huge financial gains on child support payment they receive. They all have money to buy big houses, Lexus SUV's, go to restaurants often, good clothes & shoes. They wouldn't spend the child support money on my son's clothes and shoes to go to his school. He wears worn out clothes and shoes to school on Mondays and Fridays from his mother's. He said his mother is too lazy to help him with school homework. So, I have to double up on helping his homework, love and care and fun with him. My son is 5 years old now. He has been telling that his mother tells him she hates him. She doesn't care about him he tells her when he feels cold. He cracked the back of his head his head with 3 staples put in the back of his head in emergency room at Kaiser when he was told to jump on a rocker and numerous cuts and bruises. Yet, I have to pay for her attorney & accountant fees during the divorce and every time I seek the custody modification. My son refuses to go his mother when I have to send him to his mother. He said I don't want to go to my mother and why do I have to go to my mother. He used to cry when he had to when he was younger. The judges don't know the issues inherent to a communist culture growing up there. Lying is the cultural norm and using their children as a tool for selfish gains is the norm. Our family court system plays into their prey. My horror ordeal imposed the family court is similar to yours except the added abuses to my son.

ColdinCA: You wouldn't believe that my son was physically abused by his mother before 5 years old. I reported to CPS 3 times and the social worker interviewed my son. My son said he was hit by his mother and grandparents(they all came from mainland China). They use my son as the object for their anger, revenge and a tool to make huge financial gains on child support payment they receive. They all have money to buy big houses, Lexus SUV's, go to restaurants often, good clothes & shoes. They wouldn't spend the child support money on my son's clothes and shoes to go to his school. He wears worn out clothes and shoes to school on Mondays and Fridays from his mother's. He said his mother is too lazy to help him with school homework. So, I have to double up on helping his homework, love and care and fun with him. My son is 5 years old now. He has been telling that his mother tells him she hates him. She doesn't care about him he tells her when he feels cold. He cracked the back of his head his head with 3 staples put in the back of his head in emergency room at Kaiser when he was told to jump on a rocker and numerous cuts and bruises. Yet, I have to pay for her attorney & accountant fees during the divorce and every time I seek the custody modification. My son refuses to go his mother when I have to send him to his mother. He said I don't want to go to my mother and why do I have to go to my mother. He used to cry when he had to when he was younger. The judges don't know the issues inherent to a communist culture growing up there. Lying is the cultural norm and using their children as a tool for selfish gains is the norm. Our family court system plays into their prey. My horror ordeal imposed the family court is similar to yours except the added abuses to my son.

How about the fact that many women want full custody for "less than pure reasons", meaning, they simply want to control the custody aspect so that they can maximize the child support. Why is it that women's motives are always considered noble, but father's aren't?

If you want to test the theory, realize that more men, who DO have full custody, do NOT receive child support from women, versus the converse. I think we know who uses the system to manipulate the financial aspect.

64boomer, I disagree. I share joint physical custody with my ex-husband, and we alternate week-on, week-off schedules. Parental involvement is indeed time shared with a child. There is no subsititute for doing homework, tucking them into bed, enforcing chore-lists, chatting while driving to school, the endless little league practices, and all those other minor day-to-day things that add up to being a PARENT, rather than simply being someone who only only ends up being the "fun" parent, just because there aren't enough moments in a weekend or a three hour dinner-time visit to want to be the "enforcer". If there are two loving homes that can agree to put the best interests of the child first, there's no reason not to split parenting time equally.

Your concerns about having two homes and two beds are concerns we initially had also, but there hasn't been any problems. The backpack with school books and his cellphone travels with my son, but each house has everything else he needs, which goes a long way in making each house truly feel like his "home", instead of somewhere he has to pack a suitcase to "visit".

As far as those horrible arguments about whose day it is that you alluded to, that's not even an issue. When each parent gets the same amount of time on a set schedule, there's a pleasant lack of bitterness. We've explained to our son that while we both wanted full custody, that simply wouldn't be fair to anyone, especially him.

64boomer, I disagree. I share joint physical custody with my ex-husband, and we alternate week-on, week-off schedules. Parental involvement is indeed time shared with a child. There is no subsititute for doing homework, tucking them into bed, enforcing chore-lists, chatting while driving to school, the endless little league practices, and all those other minor day-to-day things that add up to being a PARENT, rather than simply being someone who only only ends up being the "fun" parent, just because there aren't enough moments in a weekend or a three hour dinner-time visit to want to be the "enforcer". If there are two loving homes that can agree to put the best interests of the child first, there's no reason not to split parenting time equally.

Your concerns about having two homes and two beds are concerns we initially had also, but there hasn't been any problems. The backpack with school books and his cellphone travels with my son, but each house has everything else he needs, which goes a long way in making each house truly feel like his "home", instead of somewhere he has to pack a suitcase to "visit".

As far as those horrible arguments about whose day it is that you alluded to, that's not even an issue. When each parent gets the same amount of time on a set schedule, there's a pleasant lack of bitterness. We've explained to our son that while we both wanted full custody, that simply wouldn't be fair to anyone, especially him.

The problem is: who decides what is the best interests of the child? The mom, dad, lawyers, judge, stenographer, all have different ideas as to what that entails. The children themselves have their own version. Who decides? Answer: the judge, based on his/her own prejudices and mood that day.

The majority? Wow, that's a pretty wide brush you're painting half of the human species with! Hyperbolize much?

Unfortunately, if you ask 10 different people what they think is in the best interests of the child in a particular case, you'll get 10 different answers. So, whose answer really IS in the best interests of the child? Answer: nobody's - they all have a different piece of the puzzle, which is colored by their biases and stake in the case.

Wow, what seems to be missing in this discussion is the fact that the only two choices are not joing physical custody, with the kids living between two households, and every-other-weekend custody arrangements. There are a whole host of options inbetween! I absolutely think both divorced parents should spend as much time as possible with the kids, but absolutely don't think kids whould be shuttled between houses all the time. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing," for heaven's sakes!