Not Your Dad's Divorce

Another injustice in this system is in the case of a parent supporting a child for years, let's say 5, and evetually it is determined that the person paying support is not the childs father. There is no recourse for these parents, even if the receiving parent is aware that the paying parent is not the father, but takes the money anyway. These paying parents are just out that money, and nothing stops the receiving parent from seeking out the actual father and receiving current support as well as back support. So the receiving parent essentially is double dipping, having alreday been paid by the non parent and receiving back support from the actual father.

When will Family Courts recognize the importance of a father's participation in his child's life? Kentucky recently decided that a child doesn't need his biological father if there is another man married to the child's mother. In a recent 2008 landmark case, the Kentucky Supreme Court, in a 4 to 3 opinion, declared the importance of visitation and custody rights of a biological father and his son do NOT matter if the mother is married to another man at conception. The decision marginalized the relationship between fathers and their children. It's so sad when Courts think fathers or the truth matter. We need to tell the people in Kentucky, "Kids Need Their Dads Too!" Please call the KY Legislative message line (1-800-372-7181) and ask the whole legislature to support Bill BR57. And it doesn't matter if you don't live in Kentucky, for what one state decides does affect others. Please make the call and let one legislature know the relationship between children and their fathers is important. Learn more about the KY case at http://www.letmeseemyson.blogspot.com

When will Family Courts recognize the importance of a father's participation in his child's life? Kentucky recently decided that a child doesn't need his biological father if there is another man married to the child's mother. In a recent 2008 landmark case, the Kentucky Supreme Court, in a 4 to 3 opinion, declared the importance of visitation and custody rights of a biological father and his son do NOT matter if the mother is married to another man at conception. The decision marginalized the relationship between fathers and their children. It's so sad when Courts think fathers or the truth matter. We need to tell the people in Kentucky, "Kids Need Their Dads Too!" Please call the KY Legislative message line (1-800-372-7181) and ask the whole legislature to support Bill BR57. And it doesn't matter if you don't live in Kentucky, for what one state decides does affect others. Please make the call and let one legislature know the relationship between children and their fathers is important. Learn more about the KY case at http://www.letmeseemyson.blogspot.com

Wow Newsweek! Did you ever think you Would every open up such a can of worms? I posted some items earlier but here are my comments to some new items.. To Dicedealer.. Great job and comment. There are many children hungry sick and without health care, and yes strangely enough the custodial parent blows the money on movies, games and numerous other things they shouldn't and cry poor for there kids. To; Altat77 13 years was along time for a so called committed relationship, its a shame with all the education your got in high school and college the use of birth control and Psychology classes would have taught you that there may have been a reason for the non commitment. I hope for your childs sake he sees his dad even though he's 6 states away. Don't penalize him for both you and your ex's faults. To DNTMESS congrats on you and your husband winning out. But you have made the point countless hundreds of others on here have. It took time for the REAL better parent to have custody. His ex was the mother and that alone was good enough for a court. Ha! To Not the Norm. you are right you are not the norm. Poor pityful man. I take it you make far more than your ex. Knock it off and pay your share! Thank God above you have the means to support your child and get off that because you make more you shouldn't bear the brunt. Welcome to our world where not only is it not fair, its part of life! Time and time again I see many on hear state they want what best for the children. Is siding with the mother automatically what best inthe child's interest? Are ex's who use support as a means to not allow the non-custodial parent what's best for the child? Come on court system.. Wake up!

I have outlaws. Having never been married to my daughter's father I chose to make our circumstances the very best that they can be. there is a choice as to what family legacy we leave our children- one filled with rancor and dissent is not what I would choose for the little girl I have been entrusted with. It isn't about me, my way, my rights, or perception thereof- it is about a family. It is hard, there are varied opinions about how things regarding her should be done/handled; but above all there is respect. My outlaws are my family as much as my parents and siblings. They are included in family plans, they spend time with her regularly.
I hear people going thru divorces verbally eviscerate the other parent or worse live with a simmering frustration at the circumstances of life. Once, the very person that is being torn down was the person that was promised a lifetime commitment; people aren't disposable. Own the decision and make the best of it and not the worst! Show children what grace, compassion, sacrificial love, and family are about. It isn't about serving ourselves, it isn't about having 'our' way; having children is not about the parent in any way- it is an opportunity to shape an adult into a desirable member of society . Family is the first community we interact with and often the one we treat with the least courtesy and consideration. There is a choice, to selfishly indulge in making the other parent look bad to soothe the ache in your own heart and elevate your own sense of self worth. Or allowing your children to love their parents, not choose between them. The choice was easy for me- i had friends who grew up resenting the parent that left because of the other parents vitriol; only to later resent their custodial parent for poisoning their relationships. Life has enough trouble without carrying around resentment and I certainly have no desire to earn my daughters because of my inability to grow up show some grace.
Court stuff is hard and for our family we have hired attorneys we respect, and we allow the attorneys to work together, within the guidelines of the law for my daughter's best interest. Court stuff stays at court with the attorneys. I learned early on it was a minefield to even discuss any part of it. That is where individual perspectives of 'right' and being injured in some way can come up so easily- I leave it at court. It isn't worth the work of carrying around resentment for perceived wrongs.
Adults wrong each other and there is always plenty of blame to go around- what there is never enough of is forgiveness. How would your children remember you if something happened today? I don't live in a bubble- but I will live with grace. I will choose to leave a legacy for my daughter to love and be loved by people who want to promote her best.

I find it unfortunate that squeak226 finds it necessary to editorialize information about PAS and Dr Gardner. While I have concerns about how this terminology is used and by whom, as all information can be subject to distortion, to blatantly misrepresent information seems unnecessary. The information, without prejudice, is that parental alienation is any behavior by a parent, a child's mother or father, whether conscious or unconscious, that could create alienation in the relationship between a child and the other parent. Most researchers believe that any alienation of a child against (the child's) other parent is harmful to the child and to the target parent. Extreme, obsessive, and ongoing parental alienation can cause terrible psychological damage to children extending well into adulthood. Parental Alienation focuses on the alienating parents' behavior as opposed to the alienated parent's and alienated children's conditions. (It is important to note the distinction delineated here when reviewing Dr Gardner's' perception and definition of PAS.)
This definition is different from Parental Alienation Syndrome as defined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1987: "a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent-denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated."
It is not quite accurate that Richard Gardner was unqualified to speak on children and psychiatry. Richard Alan Gardner (April 28, 1931 - May 25, 2003) was a clinical professor of psychiatry in the Division of Child Psychiatry at Columbia University from 1963 until his death in 2003. He was known for coining the term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in 1985. He published more than 40 books and more than 250 articles in a variety of areas of child psychiatry. He also operated a company, Creative Therapeutics, Inc., that marketed materials based on his theories. Gardner testified as an expert witness in hundreds of custody cases in the USA.
Although the Parental Alienation Syndrome has been accepted by many courts in the U.S. and Europe, his framing of well-documented parental alienation processes as a "syndrome" remains controversial. Gardner's goal to have PAS included in the DSM did not occur in his lifetime.
Personally I have many concerns about anyone clinically blanketing the issue of divorce and/or child custody as broadly as Mr. Gardner did; I am however, unapologetically offended and opposed to inaccurate information. There are many excellent scholarly articles on the both subjects (as I draw a distinction between the clinical definition of PAS and Mr. Gardeners definition), which readers can access to offer more breadth to the conversation.
And to the subject of Mr. Gardener's suicide, which was trivialized, I would certainly hope that no one who reads this would have to suffer from a chronic pain syndrome so severe that taking one's own life was preferable to living.

I left a really bad marriage when my kdis were 4 & 5. I insisted that their father be a large part of their lives and he had lots of time each week with them. Once they were a little older, they spent about half the week with him and the other with me. Although he was still a rotten dad and staying in the same community was a financial hardship for me, my kids had as much of both parents as a family intact and probably spent more time with dad than if we had stayed together. They are both college grads and have good jobs and relationships - the only flaw is the relationship with dad - but that has more to dowith the man than the living in tow households. The only way to grow mentally healthy children is to put your own needs second and put the kids first and foremost. Doesn't matter if your happily or unhappily married or divorced. That's what it takes to make it all turn out ok.

My husband and I do not let the child support we pay run our lives. Yes we had to sell our house, but it's what we had to do. Child support falls under the just another monthly bill we pay. We also try no to let the antics of his former spouse run our lives. We have two other children and it's not fair to them if all of the stuff with his ex interferes in their lives. We do have a hard time when trying to have even our court ordered visitation, but we do our best. Our requests are usually met with a no, or give me more notice next time, or there's a bday party this weekend, but we keep trudgung ahead. We always know the answer before we ask, but that doesn't stop us from asking, maybe she might say yes, though doubtful. We have learned not to be to disappointed, but hopefully pleasantly surprised. There is only so much we can do emotionally and financially. We spent nearly 50K on the divorce and subsequent filings to enforce the court order, all the while staying current on support. We finally decided that we were not going to spend anymore and just keep trying to get the time set forth in the order, and maybe the odd weekend not mentioned in the order, never happens. If our lives revolve around his ex and her antics then ours is a life wasted, not wasted trying to see the kids but playing her games. When he calls to talk to his kids if she gets on the phone and starts berating him, he hangs up. He refuses to use his phone time with them to argue with her, she can call on her time if she wants to argue, not on the kids time. We have resorted to emailing her and having no verbal contact or as little as humanly possible, because it is so draining. In three years we have not received any school and or health information regarding them, not for lack of asking. All we can do is ask. I have full custody of one of my children from a previous relationship, his fatehr gets all the info I have, without asking. Why should he have to, and why would I want to keep that from him, it's no secret. Unless the other parent is abusive, the only reason to withhold info about a child would be to punish or control the other person. My husbands ex only wants to continue the relationship, as sick as it sounds, by withholding info and forcing him to speak to her in order to get it. The school does offer acces online, but she refuses to give us the code. She wants him to have to talk to her, and she has stated that "if he wants to know something then he should have to talk to me." It is a proven theory that some people need to keep the relationship going, in their minds,by contolling the only connection they have left, and by forcing communication.

I have 3 ex-wives...My teenage daughter lives with me (second marriage) and my 6yo son lives with his mother (third marriage). My third wife is my daughters 'mom' and we parent both of our children together, even though we have separate houses. The courts ordered certian dollars, dates and such, which we basically ignore. My child support is current and I pay things like daycare on top of that as I am asked. It simply isn't worth fighting or arguing over. I barely have time to keep myself sane without having hate over my ex-spouses filling my thoughts. It is a relationship that not many people understand, or even accept at times. I have my ex over for supper with her partner along with my partner. (she even cut my toenails once in front of both partners!! LOL) But I don't have to explain anything to anyone once they meet our children. They are loving, respecting, do well in school...generally well adjusted. It can work if you want it to. The only holiday we keep the same every year is Christmas...she has the kids xmas eve, and me the day of. Holidays are what you make them to be, not the date they happen on. Again, if people wouldn't make child custody a prize or contest, everyone lives happily ever after.

Only interesting footnote is that here in Nebraska I was ordered to pay child support for my son, yet as a single dad, I get nothing from my daughters mother. Tis the nature of conservative courts...

I think the article is very interesting in how it depicts the gender inequality when it comes to custody and support. I am in the unique position that I have seen both sides of the coin. As expressed well and truth be told not so well in these posts, no matter what, it will affect the children. Whether that is a negative impact or a positive one is dependent on how the parents (who are supposed to be adults) make it for their children. When I divorced my ex-husband we promised to never put our child in the middle of our issues. We shared legal custody and made provisions to share child care expenses. We had a custody schedule that layed the foundation for who had our son and when, but it was always subject to change based on other events that life always seems to bring. We parted, not exactly amicably, but on ok terms since we agreed together how it would be going forward. This arrangement worked beautifully for three years. Then some unfortunate events affected my ex-husband???s life. He began making choices that were not consistent with the excellent father he had always been. Unfortunately as a result of his choices, I had to protect my son and immediately took him to court to have our custody agreement changed. Unfortunately, I had to file for child support to ensure that my son could continue going to a day care/school that he loves and has benefited him. For now (as it is my hope that it will not always be this way), my son sees his father twice a week after school and for 12 hours every other weekend. I have tried to shield my son from knowing his daddy as anything other than the hero he believes him to be. In order to do that, I get to be the bad guy. The other side of the coin is that I have re-married to a wonderful man who has two children in Iowa. When his ex-wife took their children to live in Florida, he left his home in order to be able to make enough money to pay his child support and not fall into arrears each week. He took a job that involved working on the road. It was cause of this job that I met him. His ex-wife moved back to Iowa and then fought his ability to see his children. He pays over 30% of his gross monthly income in child support while his ex-wife works less than 20 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He is primarily financially responsible for his children but is only allowed to see them over summers. We have taken the matter to court, but it has not improved the situation. Why? Well as this article relates, each state is different in how it perceives custody (Iowa is totally PRO-mother) and how it calculates support. Both my new husband and I pray each day that we are making the best decisions for our children. We both pray that when our children are old enough to ask the right kind of questions that we will be able to answer them truthfully and without judgment. In the interim, we will make the best decisions that we can in their best interest.

I am an NCP Father and I can say from expirence that the bias toward the mothers has not gone away. All she had to do was fabricate a few lies about me and the court bought it hook line and sinker. I fought for shared custody until I could not pay the bills anymore and she continues to refuse to attend mediation. The court refuses to do anything about it either. I was the one in the marriage that took my girl to school, picked her up, took her to Hula dancing and even participated as a drummer in the Hula classes. None of this matters when the mom can hire a female attorney that is vicious and herself has a criminal record and is still allowed to practice law.

In reading all of these posts two things stick out, time spent with the children and how much money is paid. There are some of you who say that if a NCP does not pay child support then the children are somehow being robbed of something. If those not receiving support refuse to aloow visitation, then aren't they just as guilty or even worse robbing thier children of the love of the NCP. Money is not a replacement of love. Having been on both sides receiving and paying child support, when my ex was not paying child support my child was not being robbed of anything, especially not the love of his Father. My son had food, a roof over his head and love, in this day and age we seem to think our children are being robbed or suffering if they don't have thousands of toys, video games, playing sports, trips, going to the movies, expensive clothes. What about when our parents were children and if they got one toy, it was like a thousand, or they didn't play sports and going to the movies was a treat not expected. I think we have clouded what support is for and raised our kids expectations to think they are entitled to the movies, all the toys, playing sports, or having the latest video game. There are still parts of THIS country where children go to bed hungry, cold and have no health insurance, so to say that one child is suffering because NCP is not paying support and they can't play soccer or go to the movies or have a nice new pair of shoes every 3 months is ridiculous. I sporadically receive support, but I found a careeer that pays well, the downfall is I work overnights, weekends, and holidays and have to rely on family for childcare. Do I miss my children on these days, do I hate missing special events because of work? HELL YES, bit I also know that in order to provide for them this is necessary, some parents wouldn't do the job I do and they are the ones complaining about money. My advice foind a job where you can support your chiildren, no matter what. what would you do if the NCP was no longer around, Social Security, that is a fixed amount and can never be increased, so think about that, and then your child would suffer the greatest loss, the love of two parents, which they are entitled too, and deserve.

My ex-husband and I have a similar agreement. I have them from Thursday evening to the Friday morning of the next week, and then he has them from Friday evening to Thursday morning of the following week. It has worked out wonderfully for both of our children and we have tried very hard to keep our opinions about each other to ourselves. It took some adjusting, and I miss my children terribly when they're gone, but both children know that they are loved by both parents and we are still both raising them together, but in different houses. We also maintain an online calendar for sports, extracurricular activities, homework assignments and exams so that we are each up-to-date on all upcoming events. We???ve been doing this for a year and so far, so good.