Not Your Dad's Divorce

I also found this article 'interestin'. My ex uses our three children as 'information' recorders. He wants to know who is over the house and what everyone is doing. I have had to put a limit on the phone times that he would call because he would call past the bedtime that the children have. He left the state instead of going to a parenting class that was required. So, therefore, he tells the kids all sorts of things that aren't true but I don't say anything in order not to violate the parenting rules. He doesn't and hasnt' paid any child support in the five years that we have been divorced. I have held all of the health insurance for the kids and have paid for everything. That is my responsibility as their mother, but I'm tired of dad getting away with everything.

Are you kidding me!!!!! Great Fathers get financially drained in legal fees payed to both their own and their not even ex-wifes attorneys fees just because her new husband has an income and not her. I have had a legal fight for 9 years and now that I spent every dime to my name I have to walk away from and not see my son again. I have a daughter and a wife who need support as well. Bottom line, Attorneys +$45,000 ,me -lost my kid due to crooked attorneys,-$45,000 in debt, bank account liened by her attorney, my house foreclosed, and still ordered to pay $1000.00 a month for the best son in the world I cant see. save your troubles, tell your kids to call you when they're 18 if they're not too brainwashed by there're rotten mother.

I lived next door to a couple for 6 years before I realized they were divorced. The children stayed in the home and the parents rotated mother there with them one week, father there with them the next week. The kids never had to leave home, always slept in their own bed and had equal time with both parents (who both had apartments elsewhere). I commend them for putting their children first even though it was a financial hardship for them both.

But Jocelyn Elise Crowley, author of "The Politics of Child Support in America" (Cambridge 2003) and "Defiant Dads" (Cornell University 2008) says the problem with linking support payments and time spent with kids is that in some cases it can create a "less than pure incentive for fathers to ask for more time with their children." Am I reading this correctly? According to Ms. Crowley a father needs to "ask" to see his children, but not the mother. That is pure sexism, plain and simple and therein lies the problem with the entire system. In every divorce it should be mandatory that both parents have joint physical custody and the only exceptions would be cases in which criminality exists and has been prosecuted as such. Absent that, the children should have the benefit of having both parents equally involved. The child support statistics that Ms. Crowley puts forth are ludicrous and misleading at best (27% of custodial women are below the poverty line while 11% of custodial men are). There are far more women that are custodial parents than men. Secondly, if women are going to bear the responsibility of being a custodial parent, they should be responsible enough to go out and work to support their children and not sit back and complain and wait for the Government to take care of them through the Courts' ridiculous rulings.Ms Crowley is clearly out of touch and has severely slanted agenda.

iamomma says "Maybe a few dad's deserve more time then their kids are getting with them, but kids need stability. Living in one place provides that stability."

Are you kidding? It's not about the fathers who "deserve" more time. It's about the kids who deserve more time with their dads (as well as moms). My ex-wife and I divorced 6 years ago. Our four children spend Monday and Tuesday nights with mom, Wed and Thurs with dad, and we alternate the Fri/Sat/Sun weekends. The schedule ends up being 2 nights, 2 nights, 5 nights, 5 nights - a clean 50-50 split. On days that we switch, one parent will take the kids to school and the other will pick them up. After a few months of moving clothing, textbooks, and skateboards back and forth, we settled into a comfortable pattern. The kids know what to expect. They have not only "stability," but two households with two loving parents (who also get breaks from 24-hour single parenting). Life is great and they (the kids) say they wouldn't want it any other way.

"I REALLY DO NOT THINK THAT THEY DESERVE THE RIGHT TO GET CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN.."

Shebun, you sound ignorant. It's people like you that have me going back to college to becaome a Father's Rights Attorney.

the family court system is very corrupt especially here in florida. dept. of children and families and dept. of revenue which is child support, are the worst of all the FEMI-NAZI groups. fathers please keep fighting!!!

What this article doesnt discuss was how dangerous the presumption of joint custody can be when there is a history of certain types of domestic violence. Assuming all divorcing couples are capable of getting along and coparenting, legally and physically, is very naive and potentially dangerous to women leaving an abusive marriage

"Father's Rights groups claim that mothers are awarded custody in
90 percent of cases, which is a misrepresentation of out-of-court settlements
versus contested cases. Joan Meier, clinical law professor at the George
Washington University Law School and founder of Domestic Violence Legal
Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP), cites a study by the
Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court Gender Bias Task Force, "which found
that 94 percent of fathers who actively sought custody received sole or joint
custody, regardless of whether there was a history of abuse. While fathers
received primary physical custody 29 percent of the time, mothers received
primary physical custody in only 7 percent of the contested cases."

from: http://icfcr.org/5_4_WA13_WH.pdf

WOW. lots of anger, some justified and some not justified. Reform is needed and every case is very different and that is how it needs to be considered - on an individual basis but with guidelines applied. Blanket joint physical custody would be the ideal, but cannot always be the case due to many factors. The children should have independent advocates for court and every adult should be evaluated independently as well and updates post divorce and in subsequent years. There are adults with mental issues, alcoholism, abuse, anger issues preventing agreements from being executed and then add changes in job circumstances, health, schools, etc. It is very complicatred. Add new marriages and new children, How can every situation have one set of rules? It cannot, yet you would hope the children's needs would prevail, it rarely does. I know I was divorced from an alcoholiic over 20 years ago and he never used his visitation, 6 year old Kara waited with a packed suitcase every week and he would never show up. He rarely sees them as adults to this day and lives in the same town. I never asked for an incease in support from the original. It is always sad. Maybe we should start with - be careful who you sleep with, they are with you forever and ever.

Interesting article. I wonder if laws relating to real estate would be more appropriate for this article. No where other than a discussion of a birthday does the child come into play. It appears that "physical" custody or red and purple days are more important than any consideration of the child. I am a Boy Scout Scoutmaster in Oregon. Time and again the young men of my troop are caught between a red or purple weekend or weeks in the summer. They are not allowed to participate in our activities which include weekend camping trips and other Scout functions such as Camporees and summer camp. It is embarrassing to me and the young man when he can not participate. Consider that this entity you are dealing with has a life of his or her own that MIGHT not fit the red/purple days on the calendar....or maybe we just draw up rental/lease agreement. At least that is one step up from being a slave. Consider their lives. I get a little tired of looking into their faces when they have to be with either mom or dad that weekend and can't do something for their own enjoyment and interest.

in every single one of these case, kids suffer. Parents should keep this in mind. Divorce is unfair and kids have 0% say in the manner. If you're not serious about marriage, (till death do us part) don't have kids.

My X pays 1200 for 3 children. It would have been 3000 but because I removed the children from the state we were once living in, he told the courts he would be visiting with them 3 times a yr and they took those expenses from his support monthly. Note, I had to get a court order to leave the state but he didn't. He moved before I did, amazing how that works. Of course, he doesn't see them 3 times a yr and makes no effort to do so either. We split the children on our taxes each yr. which I am sorry, I disagree with that. I think if he were seeing them 3 times a yr as he is suppose to, fine but he's not. All he does is tell the children about all the money he's putting out on child support each month. He wont help pay for the one n college, but he thinks my house payment, my car payment and their college (for the one in college) is all covered under his 1200 a month. I have news for him, my house payment is greater than he pays in a month. I get so sick of hearing how broke he is. He can go to pro football games, go out every night and drink with his buddies, eat out and shop all the time but he's broke! I think not! So you new wives, married to our dumped x's, you knew what you were getting into when you married them. There's a reason why they are divorced, so IMO you have no right to complain.

I think it's quite funny that the first two comments that I read are from the ex-husbands current wives...who certainly like to point out how awful the ex-wives are. It's a tale as old as time...well, at least as old as divorce and trust me when I say that people see right through it. I'm sorry ladies, but not all ex-wives are horrible, despite how you paint the picture of the monster mommy and your lives would most definitely be a lot easier if you'd simply let your ex handle his own children. Isn't it funny how they seem to make it a 'we' thing? "We filed this" and "we told her that"...YOU have nothing to do with the children that belong to your husband and his ex-wife. No wonder step-mothers have such an awful image...they apparently deserve it.

My ex-husband does not pay child support and does not cover our daughter with insurance, even though there is a court order. The insurance loophole is in his favor because he is self-employeed and he is not required to provide insurance if it causes a financial burden on him. Yes, it makes me really mad that he can willfully go against the court order because of a "financial burden". Maybe I should take him to court for contempt, but how can I afford that and by the time a court date rolls around....why are we here, again?
What about my financial burden? I work full-time and I am working on a Master's degree (using student loans) at night so I can get a better job to pay for everything my daughter needs, including insurance. I have been blessed in that I can do extras for her too, like gymnastics lessons, but it would be nice if he would offer to financially help out. All that said; however, I do my best to make sure our daughter has a relationship with him because she loves him and he loves her and he wants a relationship with her. So while he is not financially responsible in his behavior, he is physically present in her life. Considering the situation, I hope that will benefit her more in the long run. I have sole custody, but I involve him in major decisions regarding education and healthcare. I tell him when school conferences occur, when special events will happen, and I give him reports on her progress. He picks her up from school everyday and sometimes is able to watch her while I work if she has to stay home with an illness. One day, when she is older, I want her to think back and know that because I love her, I did everything possible to promote a positive relationship between her and her dad. If her dad does not do his part, that will be for her to decide, and not for me to point it out to her.

i am one of those fathers that HAD to walk away. my x-wife and i divorced over six years ago and were still battling over parenting plans. unfortunatly IT is NOT by far a mature mother. it all started out with ITS first accuzation of being an alcoholic, the countless test that never were proven to be sufficient. The counselors and urine tests that i had to take to prove that i was not an alcoholic. Then came the mediations which are mandatory in west virginia, what a joke. Then the protctive orders that are such a waste of paper and attorney fees from ITS false allegations. Now that i proved all that false and IT thought of other ways to start messing with me and my parenting. I heard a knock on the door and i answered it and low and behold there stood the child protective agent. I complied with every thing once again and proved her allegations to be false, but of course they never tell you who filed the complaint but i did not have to look far being that ITS sister works for the child protective services. i decided to move to ohio and sure enough once again IT kept me away from my kids and filed a child neglect case on me and investigated agian by child protective services. So i went to court and proved that wrong costing me more attorney fees that the judge refused to make her pay me back. Then i forgot to tell you about the time before i moved to ohio that i ran into her sugar daddy in a parking lot and he pretty much told me off and my kids to. So after i went to court for tearing up his car trying to get to the low life i decided to hurt him where it really hurts. I started talking VERY nice to IT behind his back and was sweet talking to IT to get her to think that i wanted to get back with IT. Well it worked and that is all i can pretty much say about that for now because when i moved to ohio ITS claws came out again and again and IT threatened to scream sexual assault when i told IT that i was going to tell sugar daddy if IT did not give me a fair parenting plan. Im still waiting for that and that has been over a year and half now since she treatened that and i hope she does being that i have three witnesses. Well christmas of last year was it when i was tired of my children being hurt since they are in the middle of this, i told IT that i wanted the kids in the am being that i had to work in the pm, well my kids were not there in the am pick up and i went to work and my daughter text me in the pm and asked where i was at. IT knew everything and exactly what IT was doing so there goes another christmas without my kids and here the whole time they were thinking that they were going to dad's for christmas presents and such. Of course all of her wrong doings and legal trouble are being paid by her parents while mine are coming out of my pocket, never mind the huge amound of child support, and all the bills and and and and. if you have any suggestions ill contact you.!!!!!!!!!!!!