Not Your Dad's Divorce

Fathers and Families is just one of many organizations for fathers who believe that they're not getting a fair shake. Dr. Ned Holstein, a public health physician who heads the 4,500-member group, says it represents men who want more time for the right reasons. He attributes the fact that statistics still show that about 85 percent of primary physical custody goes to women, to the variety of factors leading fathers to cede custody to mothers.

Some dads do jump right into the single life, leaving the bulk of the child-raising to the mothers. But Holstein believes they regret it: "They enter into divorce with the fantasy that they can buy a sports car, go to singles bars and spend their time dating and still have a close relationship with their kids, only seeing them every other weekend, but it doesn't work." And it's a bit of bravado, says Holstein. "You take them to a bar, and they'll start crying because they know they've essentially lost their kids, that their relationship has dwindled. There are legions of men for whom this is a really painful thing."

Why don't the men who are unhappy with the arrangements they have fight for more time? (Currently about 7 percent of sole custodial parents are men.) Holstein says the legal system deters them. "The lawyers are telling them, 'You can't fight this, you won't get it, and it will cost you a lot of money and heartache.'" While the numbers show that men who do fight for primary custody win as much as women do, Holstein says those cases are self-selecting: "They've been told in advance they have a chance at winning because they were Mr. Mom before the divorce—or there's an obvious problem with the mother."

Nickelson of the AAML disagrees. He says that mother bias has largely gone by the wayside. "Thirty-five years ago, when I started practicing, there was gender bias. Mom got the kids unless there was something really wrong with mom, but now most states have provisions that say gender can't be the determining factor in deciding who is going to be the primary custodial parent."

To be sure, the minority of cases that do end up in family court can quickly get ugly—and expensive. The battle over who's the better parent often ends up as a mud fight where the goal is to prove that the other parent is unfit. Couples who do get this far have likely already exhausted various methods of alternative conflict resolution—some states even mandate pre-court mediation—and are at each other's throats.

Often, both sides hire expensive psychologists. Charges of abuse, both child and spousal, can fly. And now, exes have a whole new array of weapons thanks to computers. Surveys from the AAML this year and last found that more than two thirds of their members have seen an increase in digital evidence (often gathered by spyware) brought into court—from browser histories to cell phone records.