Not Your Dad's Divorce

Deedra Hunter, coauthor of "Winning Custody" (St. Martin's Griffin, 2001), coaches women who are embroiled in these kinds of battles. She warns clients that everything they do could be brought into court, from their e-mails to their antidepressant prescriptions to the case of wine they bought online for a party. "I say you're no longer living a life, you're living a case."  She says women should keep meticulous records to prove that they're using their child-support money for the kids, and use a camera with a date stamp to prove that the children's father is getting access to the kids as ordered. The experience is traumatic and can go on for years if one partner is unable to let go, she warns. In one extreme case, she recalls, a child died and the parents went to court to fight over the ashes.

Now there's a new charge: parental alienation, more often aimed at mothers than fathers, whereby one parent accuses the other of turning the children against them.  Experts say there's a certain amount of bad-mouthing of the other spouse in any divorce and Dr. Jonathan W. Gould an author and partner in Child Custody Consultants, a North Carolina-based group that provides expert testimony in custody cases, explains that this behavior can be very damaging to kids. It happens when a parent loses perspective and can't separate his or her own feelings about the ex from the child's needs. "They truly believe they're protecting the child by filtering access to the other parent."  But absent cases of abuse, kids do best, he explains, when they have unfettered access to the other parent—when they feel they can call when they need to talk, or e-mail, without repercussions from the other parent.
 
"Children build internal working models of mommy and daddy, and it's important that these structures are as strong as possible. If you don't have access to dad, then the structure is going to be robust for mom, but not dad," says Gould. From a child's point of view, what matters is that the child knows that both parents can care for him equally, no matter what the exact time split. Gould, who does custody evaluations for the court system, adds: "If they don't have a room or don't know the neighbors where their father lives, it can feel like they're visiting an uncle."

Holstein of Fathers and Families argues that making kids feel at home at dad's house is difficult when support payments can eat up as much as 40 percent of his after-tax income. They may have to leave the neighborhood for smaller quarters, leaving the children's friends behind. To change that, and to give dads more time and an adjustment in child support according to the new laws, Holstein feels the courts should start with a presumption that there will be joint physical custody. Much of the research on the subject shows that a majority of kids who have grown up in joint physical custody arrangements report that they are satisfied with the way it worked, while kids who grew up in an "every other weekend arrangement" were more likely to be dissatisfied and want more contact with their fathers.

Still, joint custody may not be for every family. Paul Amato, a leading researcher on the subject and a professor of sociology at Penn State, argues that because joint custody is generally granted to parents who request it and are cooperative with each other, it's unclear whether it would work for every couple. Forcing uncooperative couples into a joint arrangement could end up creating more parental conflict, which most experts agree is the most damaging part of a divorce for kids. "I do not think it's a good idea to impose joint physical custody on unwilling parents," he says. "This strategy is likely to do more harm than good."

The willingness of both parents to cooperate is the key factor in how kids adjust to a divorce. Nickelson reminds parents that they should start creating a collaborative relationship with an ex-spouse early on. "You're not going to sign the child-custody agreement, whatever it is, and be done with your wife or husband. I tell my clients, if you're lucky, you'll be sitting next to them for graduations and marriages and all kinds of achievements, so learn to get along."

It's not easy to tame the natural resentments that flare up. My family has had to learn a new way to be together. But after three years of separation and divorce, we've celebrated one middle-school graduation, a first day of kindergarten, several Halloweens and six birthday parties. It's starting to feel close to normal. Sure, those first few birthday parties had some brutal moments, but now, with one girl only a few years away from leaving for college, nobody in our odd group is in any rush for that day to arrive when we're not together for big events.