A ‘No More Excuses’ Christmas?

Black families sitting around the holiday table this year are abuzz with a new topic of conversation. As the biscuits, sweet potatoes, ham and greens are passed, there is much talk of the exciting year ahead in 2009, and of the next four years. With a black president-elect, New Year's resolutions for the rest of us take on a special meaning. They will be about getting the impossible things done. They will be about stretching the imagination and raising the standard.

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"I have no more excuses" is what I've been hearing at holiday parties from people who believed the system was designed to prevent black progress. The discussion has gone from talk of race to talk about ourselves and our families. When the president is black, it means so much more than a color; it means a new national consciousness. And I wonder whether attitudes about marriage will change among black couples. As the founder of Marry Your Baby Daddy Day, an annual event where 10 unwed couples who already have children together are chosen to walk down the aisle, I've heard a lot of excuses about marriage.

I organize the all-expenses-paid wedding event, now in its fifth year, as an effort to strengthen two-parent homes in the black community, where the situation is dire. According to the National Institute of Health, almost 70 percent of black children are born out of wedlock; a 2002 study done by the Urban Institute and American University for the Department of Health and Human Services reported that "married couple households were much more likely to avoid poverty than all other types of households," and that "the apparent gains from marriage are particularly high among black households." And the journal Social Sciences Quarterly reported in 2005 that 9 percent of children in married-couple households were poor in 2000, but 54 percent of children living with never-married mothers were poor. Clearly, we're faced with an emergency that points to a deep societal problem. And while it's not a problem one president can fix, I know people can change things if they are prepared to ask for more and to do more.

Two weeks ago, I was talking to an unwed couple with four children. I was over at their house for Sunday dinner. If it hadn't been for the ring missing from her finger, it would have looked like the perfect married household. Their home was decorated with a beautiful tree and all the trimmings. The house smelled like warm chocolate-chip cookies. When I asked them when the big day was coming, Mark told me he wasn't sure (not the first time I've gotten that answer). Danielle, the mother of his children, broke down at the dinner table. She was embarrassed again, and she told Mark right then and there that he has to make up his mind. It had been seven years.

Danielle later confided in me that she takes most of the blame for Mark's reluctance because she had initially told him it was OK that they weren't married. She just felt lucky that he was there with the family. But after seeing the Obama family, especially Michelle, she's felt her self-esteem surge. She wants more in her life and for her family, including the security that marriage provides and the increased confidence it can bring to children.

Obama's win may have raised the consciousness of black people in the 10 seconds that it took the networks to project him as president-elect on Nov. 4. But what about the long term? Can Obama save black marriage? Will he rebuild poor, urban communities? Will he save black children? The answer to all of those questions is no; he can't possibly solve all our problems. But what I learned in that conversation with Danielle is that he can enable black people to want to change things for themselves, without being dependent on a government or resigning themselves to "that's just the way things are."

The Obama family represents the dream of so many black men and women: the picturesque wife, husband and children. It is a fantasy that seems far away for some, but Obama's win made it a possibility. What the world, and black Americans, will see now is a model for a healthy couple, a happy union and, dare I say it, a sexy marriage. His win means that we are all expecting more, accepting less.

One of things I discovered during the research for the Marry Your Baby Daddy Day event is that many unwed couples with children simply lack role models and education about marriage. They have the will to marry, but just aren't motivated. The emotional and spiritual health of the black family can be resuscitated, but it will be up those families to do the work.

As black families gather this holiday season, there will be something new in the air. In my family, I can already feel it: no longer am I setting my goal just to be a best-selling author. The bar just got higher for me and for the women I know. Girls have new role models in both Michelle and her daughters. Surely, those little girls can envision themselves as a black female president. Why not us, too?

Obama came onto the international stage not with a chip on his shoulder, but holding a handful of cards. It was his turn. And now maybe black children who know nothing but the pimps, thugs and hos who have been presented as cultural icons will be next in line. Maybe it'll be their turn next. The new black babies born this season will see their first president as black. They won't be like me or my generation, who, as children, never quite understood why all the presidents were white.

This holiday season will be full of new dreams and the possibility that 2009 will be a year of no more excuses. I wasn't surprised when Danielle e-mailed me a week after our dinner to say she is engaged.

Maryann Reid lives in Brooklyn, N.Y., and is the author of several novels. She can be reached at Alphanista.com or MarryYourBabyDaddy.com.

© 2008