Why She Cuts

Though the blade was Becki's instrument of choice, she wasn't limited to it: at times, she'd use glass, burn herself with lighters, or scratch her healing wounds to make them worse. Often, she'd coat her wounds with hairspray to enhance the pain. Studies have shown that, like Becki, some 75 percent of those who hurt themselves, do so in more than one way. And many self-injurers will go as far as to swallow razor blades, bleach or battery acid.

Those who treat people who harm themselves say that getting to the root of the problem—the emotion that's causing the urge to injure—is at the heart of any recovery process. But it often takes a lot to get to that point. When she was 17, Becki cut herself so many times that she landed in a New Jersey child psych ward—a 19-bed, acute inpatient unit where she spent 11 days. She says her arms were unrecognizable; cut hundreds of times from wrist to shoulder. The first few days were rough, in part, Becki says, because the medical staff didn't understand why she'd want to hurt herself—a common complaint among self-injurers who seek treatment. They stared at her wounds and made faces. They assumed she was on drugs. But as the time went on, the experience got better, and Becki liked the regimented nature of it all: Wake up. Eat. Therapy. Group Therapy. Dinner. Bedtime. And repeat. The success was short-lived, though: four days after she was discharged, Becki overdosed on cold medicine—in part, she says so she'd be sent back in. "I wanted that structure," she says. "Outside, my life was just a jumble of chaos."

With years of treatment (both talk therapy and medication), familial support and the help of a good friend, Becki says she's come through the worst of it. She started college in 2005, at Montclair State University, in New Jersey, and says it has been more than a year now since she has cut. She says she channels much of her negative energy into positive things, like a Facebook group she's created to help other self-injurers. But it will be a constant battle: it's easy to be "triggered" to cut, she says, by things she sees or hears. When the media hypes a certain issue—like self-embedding—it can both hurt and help: hurt in that it sometimes oversimplifies the issue, but help in raising awareness.

Education, she says, is key to helping those like her who are suffering. On a recent weekday, she conducts a workshop at her school: "Understanding Self-Injury," aimed at fighting the stigma related to self-injury she says is still rampant. When she graduates next year, she wants to work in adolescent psychology—with an emphasis on self-injury. "It's funny, because people can understand people who go to extremes to lose weight, or drink, or even do drugs," Becki says. "But bringing a razor to your arm and pressing down is still very taboo." If anyone can educate, it's those who've overcome their own battles. Becki's certainly got the scars to prove it.

To learn more about self-injury and treatment options, check out these Web-sites: S.A.F.E. Alternatives , Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse , Psyke.org , and  Self Injury Support

© 2008