‘It Is Never Over, Never Escaped’

The starting point of religious terror may have disputed dates on the calendar, but in my life it is fixed in a specific time and place. It begins with the blood of the first Kashmiri Pandit (Hindu) murder I saw. Terror's image widened in the smoke rising from our home, which was burned by insurgents, in the bruises on my father's face when he was beaten up by our own state police, in the ruffled looks of my parents when they arrived in the refugee city called Jammu.

But for the children of conflict, terror also manifests itself as an adrenaline rush. There was a thrill when my cousin and I watched young insurgents lob gasoline bombs. And when my sister and I found shelter in an unknown neighborhood amid crossfire, or found threatening letters from terror outfits pasted on our doors. Nevertheless, the dream of settling in a new place away from terror became a secret among the neighborhood kids.

That dream faded as the reality of being homeless refugees hit. "Now live with it. I knew your secret dream," our mother told us, only to break down and sob. On our first 113-degree night in our small rented room in Jammu, sleeping next to 15 other family members, I had my first nightmare. I was caught in an encounter with the security forces and the gunmen.

Years passed. We lived in windowless rooms. Bathrooms had no doors. Snakes and centipedes roamed freely. We walked miles to school in the heat to save on bus fare. We were still privileged compared with the many who lived in the refugee camps. And at least we were free of terror—for now.

Thirteen years later, I went back to Kashmir as a journalist for India's largest-selling newspaper. I was to cover human stories, but all I wrote about was terror. A child killed by a car bomb. An old woman's house drenched in the blood of nine family members. Lashkar-e-Taiba's suicide machinery. Jaish-e-Muhammad's religious-terror demonstrations.

The stories were the same as those from my childhood; they had just broadened their horizons—in addition to the jihadist terror, there were now murders and rapes committed by the Indian security forces, too.

I continue to have nightmares. Now that I am far from home, I thought it was only Kashmir that brought the constant reminder of religious terror's presence in my life. Mumbai changed that.

Singh lives in Queens, N.Y.

© 2009