The Lost Shepherd

And yet, while he strives to turn the other cheek, full Christian forgiveness eludes him. He believes that New Life cast him away when he needed it the most. As he says in the movie: "The Church has said go to hell." Haggard now thinks that he lashed himself too hard. "I understand why when a criminal is caught they will sometimes admit to things they didn't do," he says. "I wanted to overrepent, and I think I did overrepent. In my [resignation] letter to the church I said I was a deceiver and a liar, but I hadn't lied about anything except to keep quiet about what was going on inside me."

He's still struggling. Haggard denies saying in early 2007, after three weeks of spiritual counseling, that he had become "completely heterosexual," and in the film he puts himself back on the couch, asking, "Gay, straight, bisexual—what are you, Ted Haggard?" Perhaps naively he also allows himself to be filmed lovingly sucking an ice pop. Haggard traces his sexual struggles back to allegedly being molested in the second grade by an employee of his father. In seventh grade, he says, he fooled around sexually with other preteen boys. At 18, he became a born-again Christian and started "dating girls and loving it." He says he has never had an adult same-sex encounter with anyone other than Jones.

So is he gay or straight? After more than a year of secular counseling sessions, he still ducks the label question. "I believe that sexuality is complex and confusing," he says. "I no longer struggle with homosexual compulsions. I still have thoughts from time to time, but they're not powerful thoughts. I still have temptations from time to time, but they're not powerful temptations. They're not compelling." Both he and Gayle say that their 30-year marriage has actually improved in the wake of the scandal. "As you might imagine, with greater openness the intimacy is better," says Gayle, who says she stayed with Ted for two reasons. "No. 1, he's worth it, and our children are worth it."

One thing that hasn't changed is his conservative philosophy. Haggard still opposes gay marriage, telling Pelosi that "God's best plan for human beings is for man and woman to unite together," and he believes that homosexuality is a learned behavior "like alcoholism." Gays (and many straights) will undoubtedly scoff, but Haggard comes across more like a man striving to be honest to himself, the world and his God. "I am what I am," he says in the movie. "I was born an evangelical."

The 42-minute film ends by noting that in January 2008 the Haggards were allowed to move back to Colorado, which they did last June. Shortly after Christmas, the church also opened the door for him to return to New Life—as a member of the congregation. He is cleared to start a new ministry, or preach as a guest, so long as it's more than 100 miles from his old church. But he has no plans to lead a congregation again, saying it's no longer his place to shape Christian policy. That said, he believes that "there is a place for everyone in the church."

Except, for the moment, the Haggard family. "We don't attend a church because it would create news, and we don't want to put our children or the church pastor through that," he says. "So we're just trying to lay low, do our business, be with our family and do the appropriate things without causing a stir." Since settling into his old house, Haggard has found a post-preacher routine of fast-food lunches ("I love McDonald's. I love Wendy's. I love KFC.") and weekly runs at a nearby middle-school track. But life is clearly not back to normal. He says he avoids thinking about New Life, which he can see from his bedroom window. He has yet to unpack boxes that it shipped from his office, including his picture with President Bush and a handwritten copy of the Bible transcribed by his congregants. But he has a new flock to tend now. He's recruited 42 people to join his burgeoning team of insurance agents. Whether it's prayer or premiums, Ted Haggard is obviously a natural salesman.

© 2009