Settling for Second Best

I cook. I carpool. I volunteer. I do everything for my daughter. So, of course, her role model is … her dad?

By Tina Elmore | NEWSWEEK

Published Jan 17, 2009

From the magazine issue dated Jan 26, 2009

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On my way to volunteering for PTA duty at my 13-year-old daughter's middle school, I saw a picture of her staring at me from the main school bulletin board, and it stopped me in my tracks. Marina is the school's student-body president, and she was featured along with the other council members. In the picture, she had a confident smile and that "I can do anything" look I've seen on her face so many times before. Curious, I read the profile below her photo and smiled at her answers. "Favorite food: sushi. Favorite sport: soccer." Then, "Role model: my dad." I did a double take and peered closer. Surely it said "my mom," too? Nope. Just two lonely words: "my dad."

Half of me swelled with pride, knowing I'd made the right choice of a husband and father to my children.

The other half of me screamed, Wait a minute—how come I'm not her role model also?

Yes, my husband, Mike, is a generous and loving father. But I'm the Room Mom and the Team Mom! I chaired a school fundraiser that took months of preparation! I plan all the birthday parties! I scour cookbooks for nutritious dinner recipes! And who's there for the kids every day when they come home from school? Me!

But I don't bring home the bacon—and I had to wonder if that's why Marina chose her dad. After all, his successful career has provided us with a nice home, extravagant vacations and private sports clubs for her and her little brother. Also, Mike works hard at a career he enjoys, something we have taught our children to value and take pride in. He also devotes almost all his free time to his kids.

Of course, he doesn't spend as much time with them as I do. I became a stay-at-home mom when my daughter was born—a role I never expected to have and one that, like many women in my position, left me conflicted. I felt blessed to be with my new baby, but I was also terribly lonely. I had sacrificed not only my career as a teacher, but also all my friends and my social network. I missed my students and the sense of purpose I got from my job. Every morning, I watched Mike with envy as he left for work. Little had changed for him. He still got to interact with adults and attend leisurely business dinners with uninterrupted grown-up conversation. Me? I went to the library for toddler reading time and sang "The Wheels on the Bus" at Mommy & Me classes.

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Posted By: ImSusan2 @ 05/09/2009 6:14:49 PM

But again, it is true. Many of these attitudes will change once the children have children of their own. I know I never appreciated all my mom went though till I became a mom myself. However, if I do ask my mom for her opinions I am always careful to be respectful about them. That's what I guess my goal is to try to foster with my own young adult daughter but times have changed and kids are much more "familiar" now a days.
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Posted By: ImSusan2 @ 05/09/2009 6:10:32 PM

I'm guessing not being picked as the "role model" is probably not what is really bothering Tina. Like me, she may really be more worried about not being as "close" to her daughter emotionally as she thought she was. Now that my kids are grown and successful they often turn to me for advice.... but very very rarely do they actually TAKE it. I feel like the mid to late "20's" years are kind of a repeat of the teen years.... They know how successful you are so they want to emulate you... yet they don't want YOU to know it. When my daughter asks my opinion and I give it to her, she always responds as though I am an idiot. Then a week later, she has totally taken my idea and run with it. It is painful that she bashes my ideas and amusing when she uses them later. When I mentioned that I did not want to give my opinions because of the hurt I felt when she made fun of them, she became very upset and said she needed to be able to bounce ideas off me. All our lives we seemed to be the best of friends. Now she is kind of in a user phase, building her own success from mine. I think maybe Tina is just wondering where she stands, which is what I am wondering too.
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Posted By: singlemominthenorthwest @ 04/29/2009 12:30:22 PM

What is with most of the anti-Ms. Elmore comments here? I think what she is saying is perfectly valid. It seems like everyone acts like a mother is "just doing her job" but if a father does something then it's more "special"or something!