Settling for Second Best

Man, this stuff is wierd. But it's from Huntington Beach so that's probably standard. On comment by Scoutfinch: do you really think it's necessary to put question marks all through your prose? Nuts.

Your daughter does not want to be a highly educated unpaid domestic servant. Good for her! Accept her choice of role model as your wake up call. If your daughter does not want to be you, maybe you should not want to be you. Dust off your teaching certificate, and become a person your daughter might want to model her role after.

Your daughter does not want to be a highly educated unpaid domestic servant. Good for her! Accept her choice of role model as your wake up call. If your daughter does not want to be you, maybe you should not want to be you. Dust off your teaching certificate, and become a person your daughter might want to model her role after.

I wonder if Ms Elmore took the time to consider what her thirteen-year-old daughter's day included when she answered the questions that ended up under her bulletin board profile. I'll bet her daughter didn't consider answering those questions such a fateful reflection on the state of her soul. That seems to be Ms Elmore's interpretation. As someone who has spent a good bit of time working with middle school and high school students and who lives with two of them, I feel well qualified to offer Ms Elmore a list of what her daughter might have had on her mind. Let???s see???it sounds like Ms Elmore is lucky to have a daughter who is conscientious about grades. Did she maybe have a test or project coming up? She???s apparently popular enough to be under some social pressure to look perfect and have the right friends and say the right things, a worry she now knows carries over at home. At thirteen, there is a bunch of fun hormone stuff going on, too.

Reading this article, I get the feeling Ms Elmore???s daughter is a very busy girl with a lot on her agenda. The couple minutes it took for her to snap a picture and answer a couple questions was probably a blur. Ms Elmore dwelled on it long enough to submit an article to a national periodical. She deemed her reflection on it was of such value it would be the right thing to allow her daughter???s innocent answers to become the topic of discussion in households of the girl???s friends whose parents read that publication.

Who knows what Ms Elmore's little girl was thinking, but here's my guess. I'm betting her buddies see plenty of her obviously involved and loving mother. Maybe she wanted to have her dad share the spotlight for a minute. Seems he deserves that having provided well enough for his family that his wife is empowered to freely choose between career and devotion to family. (Doing both is not impossible, but that???s beside the point.) He sounds like a good role model. Interestingly enough, while Ms Elmore does include the insight of her girlfriend who would be ???pissed off??? if her daughter saw fit to show signs of a constructive relationship with a father she respects, she doesn???t mention her husband???s perspective on his daughter???s choice of role model. I hope she at least shared with him what she saw on the way to that PTA meeting. I???m guessing he occasionally experiences moments when he feels badly he cannot devote the time his wife does to his children???maybe he even feels a little unappreciated sometimes.

Ms. Elmore,

Obviously you will wisely ignore the jealous rantings of the several petty little people on this board. Some say you should feel lucky and just shut up since you "get" to stay home (those are the people who don't understand that their day job is actually EASIER than dedicated child rearing). And then there are those who say that your dedication to your kids is some sign of low self esteem (these are probably people who are projecting their own misery onto you. And I can't help but notice that they fail to produce their psychoanalysis qualifications). I don't really have any comments on the article itself, since the pitifully bitter responses grabbed my attention. There is a lot of resentment out there against families that choose child rearing over a second paycheck and a HiDef television.

"I do everything for my daughter."

That in one sentence is the reason that you are not your daughter's role model. If your daughter were to list you as a role model, what would that mean? It would mean that all of all the things she could do with her life, she aspires to waiting hand and foot on her children. Being a stay-at-home mom is a great gift to be able to give your children. But for many women, it doesn't stop there. They want to be Martyr Moms. Maybe because of low self-esteem they think that by sacrificing and denying their own needs, that they will gain love and approval from their husband and children, when the truth is, more often than not, guilt and obliglation and resentment are the feelings they bring forth. Look at all the wonderful things I've done for you, look at what I've given up to take care of you? Where's my reward? How can she respect you when you don't respect yourself? Believe it or not, kids want their parents to have a life of their own.

"I do everything for my daughter."

That in one sentence is the reason that you are not your daughter's role model. If your daughter were to list you as a role model, what would that mean? It would mean that all of all the things she could do with her life, she aspires to waiting hand and foot on her children. Being a stay-at-home mom is a great gift to be able to give your children. But for many women, it doesn't stop there. They want to be Martyr Moms. Maybe because of low self-esteem they think that by sacrificing and denying their own needs, that they will gain love and admiration from their husband and children, when the truth is, more often than not, guilt and obliglation and resentment are the feelings they bring forth. Look at all the wonderful things I've done for you, look at what I've given up to take care of you? Where's my reward? How can she respect you when you don't respect yourself? Believe it or not, kids want their parents to have a life of their own.

I concur with Carol. Tina should stop the whining and thank God she can stay at home. There are so many women today wish they could stay at home to raise there children and be able to be at all their events. I can imagine that she sometimes lashes out at her husband because she chose to be a stay at home mother. I hope not.

There are alot of role models go unmentioned. I believe if you are doing a job that you love and that you are helpiing others to succeed, having the ability to do the job and seeing that person suceeding is rewarding. Bieng a mother or a father to your children is a priviledge and blessing. You are not being a parent to get a reward or recognition, but for the love of your children. Then that day would come when your child will say to you thank you and love you. A good parent does not have to force these sentiments from their child. They would come unepectly and freely.

Al Bundy

Are not the best role models those with the confidence to quietly endure the unintentional (and let's be honest--insignificant) hurts inflicted by their children--children who, really, are just trying to find their way in the world?

No offense, but if you were actually qualified for the job of role model (any more so than your narcissistic girlfriends are), you would have quietly risen above this, as opposed to submitting your bruised vanity to a national audience.... Talk about making your daughter guilty.

It's easy to overlook the value of those closest to us, to take for granted the one's who love us the most and bend over backwards for us, all the while placing on a pedestal those who hold more mystery (the dad who, in your words, "brings home the bacon").

Mothers get taken for granted. Deal with it. If you are worth your salt, your daughter will be idolizing you when she's in her 30s, not when she's in her teens.

Wow, there's a lot of bitter people here. It's not Tina's fault that her husband has a job that allows her to stay home and care for her kids. Sure, a lot of mothers work, but that doesn't make them any better than housewives. Housewives are needed to babysit kids of working moms, help run schools by volunteering, be team moms, etc. Just because her daughter hurt her feelings doesn't make her shallow--it makes her human. And to all the single moms who are comparing themselves...you are a single mom by choice. Granted, some things are unavoidable--you should never stay married to an abusive person. However, I think the majority of divorces are just because adults don't want to act like adults and put their childrens' needs first. Spare me the complaining about 50 hour work weeks. If you can't stay married, maybe you shouldn't have kids. You definitely should not have kids without two parent figures that are going to be in it for the long haul. Tina and her husband are happily married and devoted to their family. I detect jealousy at their good fortune.

In this time of serious economic crisis where many are losing their jobs and homes, to have the good fortune to be a stay at home mom while still being able to take exotic vacations and belong to a private sports club only then to whine that you were not listed as your daughter's role model is ridiculous. Would you feel less hurt if she had chosen Britney Spears or any number of overexposed celebrities? Perhaps your whiny shallowness has been apparent to your daughter and that contributed to her choice of role model.
Carol

Mrs. Elmore,

It is obvious you love and care for you family very much. Otherwise you would not have made the selfless act of putting your career on hold (not sacrifice). You are a teacher and have many possibilities available to you. As your children get older you can work part time eventually full time. You can work as a substitute teacher or volunteer as a tutor at your children???s school. Perhaps you can volunteer at your local library. You have endless possibilities, use them to your advantage.

You make two statements in your article I find troublesome. The first being that you named your daughter as a role model. By definition, a role model is ???an individual who serves as a model in a particular behavioral role for another individual to emulate???. I can???t imagine an educated, mother of two wanting to emulate her 13 year old daughter. Perhaps you are very proud of her - but to view her as your role model?!?!?!?! I certainly hope this was not a dig at your daughter to make her feel guilty.

In your article you mention that Marina has a little bother. This brings me to the second statement that troubles me. You name your husband and daughter as your role model - - and not your son??? Doesn???t he count??? Although I think it odd to name your child as a role model, why not mention them both?? Technically, you have done to your son what your daughter has done to you. Now you will both have to swallow your pride and always wonder????????????.

In conclusion, you are very lucky to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Most people need two incomes. However this was a choice you made - -a choice for the good of your family. I imagine a 20 year old not recognizing the magnitude of your decision let alone a 13 year old. This is something that in time ( a long time) your children will come to understand and be grateful for.

Mrs. Elmore,
I read your essay and I started to think about my mother in Brazil. She is a housewife since my older brother was born. Now she completed 30 years that she just works for the family. She was not happy even when she tried to tell other people. When the first kid came my father already started his debt. He had uncontrolled debts for all these years. My mother was and is in a position that she would not react to all these financial problems because she did not work. The moments of depression and anxiety she developed gastritis. She did not have social network outside the family. She had for many years just a few clothes and she never bought anything for herself. She was supposedly strong person because she was always attending the mass in her church. She was always weeping in her bedroom. She never likes the company of anybody, never goes out, no joy of life. Now she has psoriasis, which is probably psychologically based. She is sad and regretfully of her life choice.

Dear Tina,
Couldn't help but respond to your article in Newsweek. May I suggest you read the book, "Leaving my Father's House" by Marion Woodman? It will help to understand the deeper intricacies between the daughter and her father relationship. There are deeper psychological here. I applaud your decision, respect your vulnerability to write this article and salute you as a woman and then a mother. Bravo. Excellent article. Warmly, Amber Flynn -- amber@amberflynn.com

When I was a teen, my mom said something to me that was very similar... a guilt trip of sorts. I was closer to my dad then, but that didn't mean I discredited my mom at all. I've never forgotten it. While I love my mom to pieces, I will not share certain information with her to this day just because I know she will feel a certain way about it... will feel hurt by it, or not included, when most people wouldn't care a hill of beans about whatever it is. So that's unfortunate. I agree with the poster who said Tina should've talked with her husband about it if it had really been bugging her....Teens don't need those kinds of confrontations, they have enough that they're dealing with. Considering your parents' feelings is important, but feeling guilty about sharing certain information with your mom because she's going to whine about it is completely unhealthy.

Tina, you are a hero no matter what your daughter says in the school bullentin board. I admire the job you do and think that millions of others do as well. I appreciate that you give your husband and daughter the credit they deserve. However, don't ever forget the contribution you make to your live, family, community and this country by being the mom you are. WAY TO GO! KEEEP UP THE GOOD WORKS!

Ed H from Erie, CO

Tina, you are a hero no matter what your daughter says in the school bullentin board. I admire the job you do and think that millions of others do as well. I appreciate that you give your husband and daughter the credit they deserve. However, don't ever forget the contribution you make to your live, family, community and this country by being the mom you are. WAY TO GO! KEEEP UP THE GOOD WORKS!

Ed H from Erie, CO

This is a simple and clear sign that our culture still devalues "woman's " work - homemaking and childrearing - even girls, who are expected to "get it," treat "woman's" work as invisible and valueless. It's invisible. If the writer had still had a career, she would have stood a chance of being seen as her daughter's hero.