Settling for Second Best

Of course your daughter chooses her dad as role model, but if she were to ask who is her most loving person she most probably named you. Your daughter wants a career, and she saw how her dad faces different challenges, make progress in his jobs, meet new people, etc, etc, while she, and many teenagers, tends to ignore daily routines. This is only my opinion. But anyway, you, and all loving mothers, are truly the person behind many great people. Obama will not become president if were not of her loving mother. You won't regret your sacrifice. Thank you for your moving article.

wounderful

Iam newly started reading articls from News Week, the topic was realy very nice and interesting.
maladwan2002@gmail.com

I can answer this when someone explains why every male college athlete on TV says "Hi Mom" when it was Dad who coached, played catch, went to the games, etc. (I know sometimes it was Mom who did all this, but typically in my experience it is the Dad for boys.)

Tina, remember that your teenager's main developmental task is to figure out who she is as an individual -- apart from her parents. That is one reason teenagers seem to care more about their peers' opinions than those of their parents. It is exciting but scary work. It's hard to strike out and be your own person. Part of what makes that possible is convincing yourself that home and/or your parents are terrible. As a college dean, I see this every year as excited and anxious new college students fight with their parents all summer. Otherwise, they couldn't stand to leave home and their parents couldn't allow it. They arrive on campus walking 5 feet in front of their parents as if to deny they are together. They go through stages (piercings, purple hair) where they individuate from their parents by making choices opposite of or alarming to their parents. By graduation, they are walking arm in arm with their parents, often dressed in similar styles and having chosen similar life paths. One day, it will be clear that she was able to choose you as a role because she proved to herself that she can be both like you and an individual.

What this article should be reminding us, especially at this time in our young history is that we have "Choices." We have more choices now than we have ever had before. Tina said that it was her choice to stay home and to raise her daughter, and therefore, it was her daughter's choice to run for the Student Body President. This is what I want for my children - to have choices. I want my son to see that I was a working mom (although not entirely by choice), but we choose as a family to make it work. And that one day when that decision confronts my son, he will know that it is OK to have choices. I also want to be that role model for my daughter. I want her to see that once you make your choices that you work very hard to make them work for you. I want both of my children to see that I was a good mom / caretaker / multi-tasker / organizer / professional / wife / mother / daughter. Tina, you daughter needs to look to your husband now as a role model for those are his skills that she can relate to now to get her what she needs to accomplish her goals. Soon; however, she wll need your skills and the life lessons that she is getting from you (although she may not even know it) to get her to her next goal.

Tina, your essay brings to light a feeling many mothers have at some point in their time raising children: What does my child really think of me? You are raising an ambitiious, outgoing, kind hearted daughter - probably a lot like you. Listing her father as a role model shows that you have given her the best gift she could every receive - a strong marriage, and great father. Being a stay at home mom has allowed Miranda to see and experience a stable, comfortable home life while also showing her the benefits of her father's career. Both are options for Miranda that she can make as she grows older. Being a stay at home mom requires every bit of a college education to oversee home managment, personal financial investments, along with family scheduling and caretaking. My teenage daughters see how their mom and dad make decisions together, equally, and in support of one another. But only one of us has a career outside the home. Miranda choosing her father as her role model is a direct reflection not only on her view of her father but also on the respect she has for your family unit - and you are the CEO of that department.

How to measure a Mom's success? How are your kids doing? THAT is how I measure mine. Is my daughter Class President? Well who taught her how to get to that point. Mom did. Kids are kind and selfless? Mom did that. Kids are healthy and happy? Mom did that. Dad, obviously, didn't have enough time with them to take much credit for these large feats. My children are strong, driven and successful people who are giving it their all and I, though only in my mind, take credit for a lot of that (my spouse died many years ago when they were still young children). I didn't need to "hear" that I was a role model. I did know I was one.

OMG, This is so my life. I have this issue with my 15 year old son who looks up to my husband and second guesses me all of the time. I did bring it up to him one day because he needed to know that I am a college graduate also and I put aside my career to spend that time with my children. My choice, of course, but they should know the sacrifice we made, to be there and involved, as much as we could with their lives growing up and their education. I was able to make this choice - unfortunately others are not and others chose not to. I am glad my kids look up to their dad, but they must know I am also educated and have quite a bit of common sense and knowledge too.

Maybe you shouldn't have to drop your career. It is hard to balance professional life with raising children. But I wouldn't have completely drop one to do another. Leaving your kids alone or let them do more house work such as cooking for themselves once awhile could make them less spoiled and more appreciative towards parents. Both my parents worked and frequently went abroad, and yet I was raised fine. And I want to share the responsibility with my husband to construct our home instead of just maintain it. Although being a housewife may not necessarily be no sweat, but it is easier than actually working in the society. You have to face more challenges and frictions. That's probably why a lot of people don't appreciate much about housewife. So I simply won't give people the opportunity to think I am not as capable as men.

I think she did a wrong thing when she talked directly to her daughter. She should have spoken to her husband instead, how she felt about when she saw the girl's statement. Then, he could have told the girl how important is the role of her Mom in the family, how important she is to make him a successful man, he could tell her that behind every great man there's a great woman. I think if the three of them gather together to discuss the situation, it would be very good for the girl. And I agree with somebody who said that she should not expect a payback or a reward for being at home.

This young woman is being coming of age in a country still far from the ideals of equality for women, and this article shows it. Good for her for being successful as student body president, but is she going to have to give up all her accomplishments in 15 years, when society forces her to choose between work and family, as her mom had too? I think Ms. Elmore is missing an opportunity to teach her daughter that a. society still doesn't value the work (at home and as volunteers) of mothers and b. that we have yet to adapt to an economic model that allows women to really 'do it all.' Go back and talk to your daughter now, or she'll be in for an unpleasant surprise down the road when she expects to follow in the footsteps of her dad-- and then hits a glass ceiling.

I wouldn't get too worked up over it. The girl is a teenager, after all. There's lots of reasons that she could have said what she did (had a fight with mom that day, dad slipped her an extra $20, she had a really good heartfelt conversation with him that week that made an impact). Just be happy she didn't say Paris Hilton and let it go.

IMO it is worth thinking about what your daughter's choice says about how she perceives you, based on your own behavior and life choices.

Your daughter is 13 -- the age when she's starting to think of her own life as an adult, what she wants to do and be. If she's student body president, then she's a capable, ambitious kid. When she looks at her two parents, what does she see? Mom, who's about as exciting as her old teddy bear: reliable old Mom, driving the carpool and doing the laundry -- and doing (to a kid's eyes) *nothing else* (no other achievements other than keeping the house and being the full time parent). Meanwhile, Dad goes off to this exciting mysterious world of work, where he appears (to his daughter) to be a successful and admired person. As an ambitious kid: which parent will she admire more?

Yes, of course the most important thing, if you're a parent, is to raise kids to be kind, capable adults. But many people somehow manage to do this while also doing other things in their life (having some kind of substantive role outside the household). It's worth thinking about: what does your daughter see when she looks at you? What kind of adult does she see? What kind of example? She doesn't remember your life before her -- the fact that you were a teacher is a fable to her, not reality. What she sees is you doing housework and running errands -- not a high skill or high value job -- and that's *all* she ever has seen you do.

While it's wonderful to have choices in life, including the choice to not work in a job/career -- it's worth thinking about what message is being sent to one's kids by one's choices. Does being a stay-at-home parent for years on end signal to the child that s/he is the most important thing in that adult's life? Or does it signal that the adult isn't capable enough, competent enough, or motivated enough to have a job outside the house?

I have a close (male) friend who's worried about his three daughters (20,18, 15). None of them seem to have any life plan, no drive or ambition to do anything. He's wondering if the fact that they've lived a very comfortable upper-middle-class life, surrounded by women like their own mother (permanent stay at home moms) has given them the message that a woman's role in life is to futz around through college, live off their parents until they get married, then quit their job to have kids and keep the house. None of the daughters seem to have any understanding of the jobs and income required to support the lifestyle that they're used to, and no sense of responsibility for paying their own way and making a life for themselves. Thank god it looks like your daughter won't have this problem -- again if she's achieving at the age of 13, then she's already on a good path. But when she looks at you and at her father -- what does that tell her about marriage and about a woman's role in the world?

I am a stay-at-home mom for two kids who would chose their father over me any day of the week. While I identify with Ms. Elmore's lament that she is not always appreciated, I feel I must remind her: If you're going to raise kids who grow up to be independent adults who don't look to others to validation, well, you must be one yourself.

If you were to ask my 3 1/2-year old who her favorite parent was, she would say her dad. I gave up a rewarding career as an investment banker to stay home and riase her, while her father continues to work long hours as an attorney. I certainly don't regret it, but many moments have given me pause. While I provide her with love and security, I also strive to provide her with rules, limitations and lessons in good manners. Daddy takes her to the grocery store once a year and she comes home with a candy bar, suggary muffin, and cheetos. Is it any wonder that if you ask her, Daddy's her favorite? However, in the middle of the night, when a scary dream strikes, who's the parent that she calls out for? Mom. When she falls and scrapes her knee, who's the parent that she wants to have kiss and make it better? Mom. Fun only goes so far -- at this young and impressionable age a strong feeling of security is invaluable and trumps fun any day.

Truly, the art of motherhood is one sadly under-appreciated in America, just like the teaching career Mrs. Elmore left behind. It must be tough to give up a rewarding career for the even-more rewarding experience of being a mother. Of course one might miss their comfortable old social interactions, and the tangible satisfaction of bringing home a paycheck. I appreciate Mrs. Elmore's decision to discuss the identity crisis faced by women who choose to leave the workforce when they have children, and the sense of continuing underappreciation that follows. I respect that she stuck it out, instead of choosing to go back to work after her kids were in school. And Mrs. Elmore, don't worry: most kids don't truly appreciate their mothers until much later in life.

Are you kiddng? You're upset that your teenage daughter didn't think of all your sacrifices, your time and effort into "making her" a better person? Welcome to parenthood, cupcake. Part of being a good parent is doing those things, even if you NEVER get recognized for being a great mom. Stop thinking that your self-absorbed teenager is going to think about you any time they are asked about their role model...because teenagers just aren't built that way. And while your at it, maybe you should get out of the house more...I think being a stay at home mom has clouded some of your thoughts.

this is news? it just seems like an embarrassing outburst of unchecked ego. with that kind of narcissism, it's good that your daughter doesn't want to be like you. how dreadful you put your self-pitying lack of self-worth on her young shoulders to bear. a