What About My Stress?

Edmonton, Ky.: Do we build up resistance to stress? My job is stressful, but as the years go by I seem to handle stress better. I have had seven bypasses and have a pacemaker.
Dr. Michael Craig Miller: I don't know if we actually build up a resistance, but with experience and practice, many of us do handle stress better. I understand this process to be a basic feature of the brain. Consider a sport like tennis or golf. If you practiced every day, your brain would strengthen the circuits that enable you to move your body in ever more precise ways. Roger Federer and Tiger Woods may have plenty of innate talent, but they would not be at the top of their games unless they spent many, many hours practicing their craft. They also, by the way, have high-pressure jobs. And they, like you, have also spent many hours learning how to manage the pressure. You have an impressive record of surviving heart disease. Maybe your illness and the value of your time have put the stress of work in the right perspective, too.

 

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Cincinnati: How is stress compounded by death and the loss of loved ones? What's a reasonable amount of time to expect to regain the balance and energy needed to move forward?
Grief is stressful, but it is unavoidable and—in that sense—normal. It can be intense and disturbing, partly because some of the thoughts and feelings surprise the person going through it. The bereaved may feel not only sadness but also anger and resentment. He or she may suspect the motives of people who are trying to help. They may turn the events leading up to death over and over in their thoughts. They may feel lonely and helpless. Some consider suicide. As many as half of people who have lost a spouse develop symptoms typical of major depression in the first few months after losing a loved one.

Sometimes a loss of such magnitude puts other daily stresses in perspective. I lost my sister suddenly almost two years ago. On top of the loss, the reality of death so close changes one's perception of the importance of time and reshapes priorities.

Since close relationships fortify people against stress, the loss of an important source of support can make a person more vulnerable. Rebuilding after such a loss itself takes a lot of work. You will sometimes hear the view that it takes about a year to adjust. Maybe this view stems from the idea that the first time through the calendar without someone brings a unique reminder of what has been lost.

Although the term of a year may be considered "reasonable," the reality is that a year may also be unreasonably short or long. A year is too short because certain losses—for example, the loss of a child—you never get over. Usually, the pain gradually becomes more manageable, but there is no absolute time period. And there is no reason to wait to get help to live your life. If the bereaved person or family members think help is necessary, don't wait a year to get that help.