A Vast and Sudden Sadness

My son, Liam Andrew, was stillborn on May 11, 1995 after a textbook perfect, full-term pregnancy. While there is truth to the cliche that "time heals," all the memories and the devastating pain of his loss just came flooding back as I read this beautiful article and all the heartfelt sharing in the comments. This was my only pregnancy, so my grief was intensified as the years went by without getting a "second chance." As painful as it all was, I wouldn't have given up those nine months of pregnancy for anything. And although we never saw his eyes open or his smile, he still touched many, many hearts...the church was filled to overflowing for his memorial. Three older women were moved to share their stillbirth experiences; they found healing and peace as they were able to finally say good-bye to their babies through Liam's service. Most important of all was how this most difficult experience of my entire life strengthened my faith--sure I was angry with God, but I soon realized I had a choice: I could turn my back on everything I believed in or I could decide that, even if I couldn't see it or believe it, God's love for me and my baby had never faltered...and that there was still a loving, omnipresent power present and active in my life. I don't know how people with no faith survive losses of this magnitude. Thank you again to Newsweek for this article and to this forum for the chance to share my thoughts. Many blessings to you all.

I also should add that we were blessed to welcome a NILMDTS photographer into our life, to photograph our daughter and the 3 of us as a family. We CHERISH these photographs, these images were so important in our grieving. They still are 2 years later. Encourage families and hospitals to learn about this resource, as it proves so important for so many. We should not turn our faces and hide from these kinds of deaths, but remember and hold dear our precious sweet angels.

thank you for this article.
it is writings like this that help break the silence.
our daughter, Birdie Amiina Ruby was born still and silent March 3, 2007

http://erinnewmanlong.blogspot.com

A very positive and timely article.
Amy L. Abbey, Editor
Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss
WovenWord Press 2006
www.PregnancyJourneysAfterLoss.com

I cried the enitre time while reading A Vast and Sudden Sadness and applaud Newsweek for taking on the subject of stiillbirth. Too little is ever mentioned of this horribly devastating loss and too many people have no knowledge of how often it occurs. My beautiful son Kyle was born October 5th, 2006. Just 9 days before his due date, I went into labor at home. After laboring at home for 4 hours (he was my third child), my husband and I headed to the hospital. 15 minutes later, after being hooked up to the fetal monitor, we found he had no hearbeat. I had him an hour and fifteen minutes later. My world literally stopped - I thought for some time I was having a nightmare. I thank God for the kind nurses who were there, as my doctors had little words of comfort. My nurse encouraged us to take photos and it was the best advice we were given. They hold the only memories we will ever have of him and we hold them so dear. The 5 hours we were able to spend with Kyle - holding him, kissing him, loving him - were far too fleeting. NILMDTS photographers must be commended for taking on this sacred task - giving devastated parents the only thing they will be able to look back at for years to come. The photos I have of Kyle are counted as the most precious possession I have. Again, thank you Newsweek for acknowledging the grief of so many parents who often have a hard time expressing it on their own.

Thank you Claudia and Newsweek for your story on stillbirth photography. There is no doubt that NILMDTS is providing a service that can profoundly change the experience of grief for families. It is worth noting that photographing babies born still has been occurring in hospitals for more than 20 years thanks to the heart and compassion of bedside nurses. These caring individuals, many seeped in their own grief, intrinsically knew that a permanent record of these babies would be important in the unfolding life of bereaved parents. While these photos may not have been of portrait quality, they nonetheless provided a lasting remembrance that confirmed that this child existed. The actions of these bedside nurses were, and remain, the threads that connect to NILMDTS.

NILMDTS also has benefited tremendously from the ground-breaking work of Todd Hochberg, the father of bereavement portrait photography. Todd's dedication to bereaved families is witnessed both in his exquisite portraits of babies and in his commitment to training professional caregivers. Todd's work can be seen at www.toddhochberg.com

A Small Victory (www.asmallvictory.org) works with NILMDTS along with other photographer groups. They provide great packages to babies lost through miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Really, anyone who has ever lost a baby should check it out. They are national and growing a ton. I wish I knew about them when I lost my baby but now I'm just trying to be involved and spread the word about what they do. It's pretty amazing and really important. Plus, Liz, the woman who runs A Small Victory (www.asmallvictory.org) is really, really nice. Check them out - they are on Facebook and MySpace too.

I just wanted to add to my previous comment....Since the loss of my first born son (born still) in 2006, I have had 2 "successful" pregnancies and have a handsome and healthy son and a beautiful and healthy daughter. To all of those reading this who have lost a child recently---there is HOPE. You just have to have faith and the courage to get pregnant again. God bless!

I lost five babies at various points in the pregnancy....and i can attest that it really doesn't matter when the death occurs; the grief of losing a child is still devastating.
Even though I did happily go on to have successful, healthy births, I will still never forget the little ones that I might have had. I am very glad to read that the medical profession has finally awakened to the fact that a person has died, and not just a "piece of necrotic tissue", as one physician I was subjected to at the loss of my first child, apporpriately named Dr. Payne, put it. So much additional and needless misery has been inflicted to parents already reeling with grief....I am very glad to hear that something is finally being done to lessen this, the deepest sorrow, as much as possible.

This article has touched me so much. I have a great camera, although I'm not a professional, I'm going to call our local hospitals and ask if they need anyone to do this, to call me.

I am so truly thankful and applaud the writer of this article.. we lost our 3rd daughter Ava Madison at 38 weeks pregnancy and did not find out til I was fully dialated and ready to push on April 20th 2008..It has been the worst time in our lives and I can so relate to this article and cried the entire time while reading it..not only for my own pain , but for the pain of every person in the article and every family that has ever lost their child...I myself have tried to promote awareness and support to as many people as possible..We did not have professional pictures..nobody offered that to us, unfortunately..but the pictures that we do have, are our most cherished possessions!! Thank you to all the photographers and medical staff that help us parents in our biggest time of need! To all of you that read this that have lost your baby..I pray for you everyday and ask God to give you strength and courage..to anyone reading this that knows someone in these shoes..please support them , talk about their child...remember their child as time goes on..and Please let them grieve and don"t expect them to be over it anytime soon..we as parents will never GET OVER losing our child! we will learn to live without them because we have no other choice, but we are forever changed!! If we don go on to have children that we can bring home, please don't think that we are all better because now we have a baby.. another child will not ever replace our child that died..My daughter Ava has made an impact in this world, even though hardly anyone ever met her face to face..I for one am a better person ...I carried her every second of her life.....WE love you and miss you more than words could ever possibly express..

I applaud Newsweek for a brilliant story about the devastating impact of stillbirth. Having worked in the area of perinatal bereavement for most of my career, I know how important it is for parents when the depth of their grief is acknowledged and understood. Perinatal bereavement photography is a crucial part of caring for families when their baby dies. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has brought a new level of skill and artistry to families, as many of these postings will attest.

I have been a part of Resolve Through Sharing since the early 80s. We are the model for a hospital-based perinatal bereavement program. Over 30,000 health care providers have taken our trainings. I want to acknowledge the nurses, chaplains, social workers, physicians and many other disciplines who work, often behind the scenes, to care for families when their baby dies. They bear witness to a family???s suffering and suffer themselves. An article such as this reminds them of the value of what they do and the difference they make.

Rana Limbo, PhD, RN
www.bereavementservices.org

I applaud Newsweek for a brilliant story about the devastating impact of stillbirth. Having worked in the area of perinatal bereavement for most of my career, I know how important it is for parents when the depth of their grief is acknowledged and understood. Perinatal bereavement photography is a crucial part of caring for families when their baby dies. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has brought a new level of skill and artistry to families, as many of these postings will attest.

I have been a part of Resolve Through Sharing since the early 80s. We are the model for a hospital-based perinatal bereavement program. Over 30,000 health care providers have taken our trainings. I want to acknowledge the nurses, chaplains, social workers, physicians and many other disciplines who work, often behind the scenes, to care for families when their baby dies. They bear witness to a family???s suffering and suffer themselves. An article such as this reminds them of the value of what they do and the difference they make.

Rana Limbo, PhD, RN
www.bereavementservices.org

I applaud Newsweek for a brilliant story about the devastating impact of stillbirth. Having worked in the area of perinatal bereavement for most of my career, I know how important it is for parents when the depth of their grief is acknowledged and understood. Perinatal bereavement photography is a crucial part of caring for families when their baby dies. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has brought a new level of skill and artistry to families, as many of these postings will attest.

I have been a part of Resolve Through Sharing since the early 80s. We are the model for a hospital-based perinatal bereavement program. Over 30,000 health care providers have taken our trainings. I want to acknowledge the nurses, chaplains, social workers, physicians and many other disciplines who work, often behind the scenes, to care for families when their baby dies. They bear witness to a family???s suffering and suffer themselves. An article such as this reminds them of the value of what they do and the difference they make.

Rana Limbo, PhD, RN
www.bereavementservices.org