The Shadow Of Shame

Thank you to Leslie Morgan Steiner. As a therapist, I have worked with a number of successful women who carry tremendous shame for not being able to stop abuse once it happens. They tend to feel overly responsible for others actions, magnifying their self-blame. This memoir will empower many who are living in silence and fear.

I have heard that Chris and Rihanna sign a 10 million dollars contract after that incident. No wonder Rihanna decided to go back with Chris, all about that dollar.

As of today - neither of these young adults have learned ANYTHING!!!! Both of these young adults have only added to the undercurrent of Domestic Violence in the U.S. Rihanna has lost any and all respect ever afforded her and should immediately have all commercial endorsements stripped. I am a Critical Care Registered Nurse and treat victims of Domestic Violence on a daily basis. Rihanna has just made the medical communities already difficult time - of getting the victims to come forward - THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON BOTH OF THESE YOUNG ADULTS!!! They truly do not have a clue.

Sickening, the excuses ALL of these women come up with and then make money from it. This story and the excuses are as old as Moses and just as lame every time i hear them. This situation ONLY ended when one of them became "sick" of it. So, it was her and she decided, "finally" to end and it now she wants other women to be exposed, too, for putting up with it. She sounds like she is still a little cracked. But, hey we "do" hope the book tour goes well, anyway.

women play victim and always get sympath and a man never gets any.False allegations should be excluded on a case by case.

Relationships are complex but violence should be addressed with an overwhelming punishment. The recent beheading of a wife by her CEO husband (Both Pakistani immigrants) iin Buffalo is one such example how things deteriorate in a relationship and turn men into monsters

I agree with Blackcitizen--the fact that he was abused wasn't the red flag she should've listened to--it was the things she mentions later on: the choking, possessiveness, and I'm sure there was more than that. While having been abused is a risk factor for becoming an abuser, it doesn't necessarily make someone a violent person, either. People who are abusers, on the other hand, follow a pretty well-documented pattern, starting with behaviors early in the relationship that escalate into violence later.

It wasn't his stories of having been abused that should've made her afraid of being hurt--it was the behavior he displayed early on that should've been a clear tip-off.

There is no one to one empirical evidence that if one was abused they will grow up to be an abuser. Some people are just crazy. Not only that, America was spawned by violence. TV is violent. Video games and movies are violent. Violence has always symbolized manhood. We are not a turn the other cheek nation. That being said, a MAN does not put his hands on a female in anger, not if he is a man. I can only conclude that Rhianna does not have any brothers.

Just ask for help this says. Yeah, right. From whom? The only one who ever helped me was myself. Granted, had it not been for my parents loaning me seed money to leave the ex, I would probably still be trapped! But, if you ask anyone in "the system" you might as well go live on the street. Yes, I'm angry with "the system." How many times did I call the police, ask the courts for protective orders, asked how I could feed my children when I didn't/couldn't work to make money to pay daycare and provide for us. I was told by one judge... call a shelter and get a box of food. Rebounding from Domestic Violence is H-A-R-D! Don't let people sugar coat this situation at all. And, don't count on the cops or the DA to do their job. My ex kidnapped our son from daycare AFTER he and his live-in ho got fraudulent protective orders against me! The cops REFUSED to get my son, threatened me with arrest, and defended the abuser! I took matters in my own hands and went after my son. Yes, I violated the fraudulent PO's to get my son and my AH ex beat me and my daughter. The DA charged me! The ignorant judge said I was guilty of BDV when my daughter and I were beaten and had proof. Talk about a system that does nothing to protect and everything to persecute. I'm still fighting a wrongful conviction and will not stop until my record is cleared and the ex is in jail for his crimes. Too bad lawyers think they know it all. An instructor in my law class said I have lost faith in the system. I told him faith implies trust and no I do not and will NEVER again trust anyone in "the system." Rihanna's situation is different in that she is known, has money, and does not have kids with Brown. Lucky her!

I wish that these two kids were not used as media scape goats. This is the same young woman that reported in a magazine interview that she fought physcially with her brothers when they were younger and that she hit the older one in the head with a glass bottle. Both RIhanna and Chris's families have actually came out and said that this was so unlike Chris's character that they are shocked. Rihanna has not pressed charges yet and I've seen no pictures of her after the incident. I know for a fact that it is not true that if you hit a woman once, you will do it again. I've lived it and it never happened but that one time. These were two of the most decent kids to come on the celeb scene lately. They were overworked, jet lagged and moving too fast, at the hands of recording companies. I just pray for an end to the demonizaiton of Chris in the media and that Rihanna is only bruised as her family as reported. I will not pass judgement until this kid has been charged with something. And even after that, I'd like to hear from them both, not about their personal lives, but just some type of insight, so that the millions that supported them and still do, don't feel that they are completely wrong in their judgement of character - even if only by learning about them thru interviews.

Here is what we can learn from this sad case. Women are generally hypocrites. I have not heard ONE word from any high profile woman slamming the alleged and likely abuse of this woman. Where you at, g/f? If this were Mel Gibson or Andy Dick, they would be tearing down the courtroom doors. Which one of these things are not the same?

Regarding "I grapple a lot with the media's policy of not releasing the names of the victims in these cases. By shielding the victim, they're sending the message that she should be ashamed of this, or that now she's this damaged woman. I understand why we do it, but I think it would be better if people were more matter-of-fact and open about it."
In a way, the author must still live in princess-like circumstances where a nurturing network of friends and relatives welcome her back with open arms. Good for you, Cinderella! In many other cases life is just not like that and being named as a victim may not have much to do with being ashamed but more so becoming even more vulnerable. Now you stand there, by yourself, in the middle of all those people that already did not want to get invoved when you were bleeding and begging for mercy and help. Now you stand alone, your confidence shattered and some of those people will accuse you of being a "liar" or"hysteric" or maybe just overly dramatic. Your abuser, on the other hand, will do anything to convince the people around you that he is the victim. Basic criminal psychology. Thank you, whoever does not release the names of victims.

This is a great article but the title is problematic: We need to stop calling domestic violence a "dispute" ...it isnt a dispute, a dispute is when you argue over losing your keys. A dispute is NOT beating up your wife/girlfriend/partner, regardless of how angry she was or how much she yelled....this is domestic violence period.

Below someone said women need stop being mean, verbally attacking, or making their significant other...yes, we should all be nice to each other, but nonetheless that is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence and you and others need to stop making justifications for those who "snap" or else this social problem will never go away!

I just want to point out a few blind spots I thought this article had that contribute to the myths of domestic violence...

1) Not all abusers were abused as children, mine sure wasn't. And not all of those who were abused grow up to become abusive. There is a link, but it is not completely deterministic.

2) It can be really hard to speak out about violence not just because you THINK people will judge you harshly for being abused, but rather because when you do start to mention things they DO judge you harshly. I had friends of ten years bawl me out humiliatingly in public because "I stayed". Inevitably I came to realize that they were just trying to make sense of their world in a way that excused them from blame (they had often sided with him against me in the past, he was a charmer) or made them feel safe (bad things only happened to bad people). Either way I discarded their friendships because they were toxic. Their harsh judgments of me just made it easier for my abuser to isolate me and get control of me and I came to realize I was just not safe surrounded with frenemies like that.

I say we should all collectively stop speculating on what Rihanna did before the incident and just be satisfied with the knowledge that whatever it was it didn't warrant an attack. Nothing does. Even if she was an emotional abuser he could have dumped her, violence is never the answer.

We are ALL fundamentally influenced by our environments. This means that we are LIKELY to repeat, consciously or not, what we have experienced. The old adage that you should know the father of your husband-to-be and the mother of your wife-to-be, is good advise. If you see behaviors in them that you cannot tolerate then you should really evaluate your choice for the long-term.

Several of the comments by the author, however, suggest that the signs are CLEAR and that you can see it coming if you look hard enough. I disagree. You are in love...and, love is often blind. You have so much hope for all the wonderful possibilities in life...and they are possible. If things basically go well (with the relationship, the careers, the children, the investments and all the curveballs life throws), then your "potential abuser" mate may not become an abuser, since stress levels stay low enough. However, iIf things go badly and stress levels are high, then you are more likely to see the abusive side come out.

Although physical abuse is more tangible/visible, I often question whether it is any less damaging than CHRONIC verbal/pyschological abuse. Either way, the victim's challenge is to be able to eventually "see" the abuse for what it is and then be able to determine that the BENEFIT of leaving his/her spouse is greater than the COST of staying with them. Of course, having children involved makes this choice even harder.

It is an exaggerated view to highlight my point, but would you agree with the statement "because your mother was a drug addict you are DESTINED to be a drug addict as well"? I think not. If that was the case, then throw hope and learning out the window, we are all destined to be stuck in repetitive patterns from which we cannot escape.