The Shadow Of Shame

Women who tell their friends everything will often keep abuse a secret. Why?
I think it's just really hard to do. Those closest to you often see some signs of it. They see the bruises, and they see evidence that he's a really angry person. With most people, I would work to hide it … I also think I knew that the minute I told people, the jig would be up. I would have to leave the relationship, and I was not ready to do that.

Do you encourage other women to be more public about their own experiences with domestic violence?
I do. I grapple a lot with the media's policy of not releasing the names of the victims in these cases. By shielding the victim, they're sending the message that she should be ashamed of this, or that now she's this damaged woman. I understand why we do it, but I think it would be better if people were more matter-of-fact and open about it.

Did you ever blame yourself for what was happening?
I didn't blame myself for him being abusive, and I never felt like I deserved to be hit. But I blame myself for staying. It would have been easier if I had told people the first time it happened. But I didn't. By waiting until it had happened 20 or 30 times, I was afraid everyone would think I was pathetic that I let this go on for so long.

What lessons do you hope that other women will learn by reading your story?
I hope so much that other women won't ignore the red flags like I did. When he choked me during sex, I ignored it. His early possessiveness, I ignored it. I didn't realize that things would get much worse. Secondly, love can't fix a violent person. The only thing you can do is leave.

If I had read a book like this when I was in my 20s, I hope I would have realized much earlier how much danger I was in. I also hope women realize that being in a violent relationship is not their fault and they shouldn't be ashamed of getting help and recognizing it as domestic violence. Our society is amazing in the support we offer to domestic-violence victims. There is a national network of hotlines that extend all over the country and they're free, and there are lots of local domestic-abuse support groups. If you ask, there's abundant help. After I started telling people what had happened to me, no one ever said a single judgmental thing about my being in that relationship and staying.

When family and friends suspect something like this is going on, what should they do to help?
The first is to call a hotline. They will give you information and tell you what to do. Secondly, make yourself available to the victim, so she has someone to talk to about this. And thirdly, if the woman is not ready to leave, help her map out an escape plan in case she needs to leave in the middle of the night, so she knows in advance where she can go in the heat of the moment. Especially if she has children.

© 2009