Domestic Abuse Myths

Thank you so much Raina Kelley! The only article I have read that truly understands the dynamics of domestic violence. Your three words : power, dominance, control are the entire jist of the matter...All the rest of who hit who first, etc. is
absolute bs! The abuser, almost always a man, wants to dominate and control the woman...that is his total motivation!
He is glad for "provocation" as it gives him yet another occasion to dominate.. And let's not forget, maybe Rhianna did slap or hit him..beside the point...As many an abused woman has discovered, "provocation" can be a phone call, imagined slight, anything. A close relative of mine who was abused for years as a teen had her "boyfriend" trash her bedroom because she did not bring his coffee fast enough. This is very typical situation repeated daily, or even more often in abusive relationships. Your short article says it all. I don't know how you became so insightful about all this, but
it is very valuable. I wish every young teen girl could have a copy of your list of 5.... Thank you

Excellent Article and here's my experience: When I found out my daughter's boyfriend had been beating her up for five years, I made the decision it was going to stop. My grandson told me I couldn't break them up, no one could. I told him to sit back and watch grandma in action.


I found out who owned him.... his parents. I found out what they cared about "their" reputation. Then I had two signs printed up for the back of my pickup, one for each parent. "Please pray that ____ of _____ Inc. will love his/her son _____ enough to get him into crank rehab before he murders my daughter." His mother tried to get the court to stop me, they said there was no law against asking people to pray for someone.

I never put the sign on my pickup, only warned her that if he ever spoke to or touched my daughter again I'd use it until it destroyed them. I still have those two signs. It's been over more than five years now. He's in the paper all the time for beating up his girlfriends. But thank God, not MY daughter.

I totally agree with AKOHUT
everyone is talking about the abuse that poor lil ms. innocent Rihanna suffered at the hands of big ol' bad Chris Brown. Has anyone ever considered that fact that maybe Chris Brown was the victim. Although, women often suffer stronger physical violence, males are also victims of domestic abuse. Males are more inclined to go through the emotional or verbal abuse. Their abuse is often ignored by the police and government agencies, as well as, males often are ashame to admit it or find it amusing when their partner lashes out at them. But, no matter how you say it ... IT'S STILL ABUSE! So, I say, when talking about Abuse, don't just talk about the female side of the story ... Talk about male abuse too!
The key to stopping violence is to educate both sides ... cause male or female ... we both are human beings!

guess not

<b>Can you use html here?</b>

thank you this was a great article, we need more education in this regard and less hype and sensationalization.

Thank you, this was a great article. we need more education in this area

This should be in the current Newsweek (in addition to be a web exclusive). It is one of the only articles I have seen that is even remotely articulate on these issues.

HLN should be ashamed for continuing to have guests on their show that send these subliminal messages and air voice mail messages from people all over America that blame the victim.
Please consider this when you write articles and air messages in reference to this topic. Talk to someone who actually works with victims of domestic violence. These experts exist at every Battered Women's Shelter/Program.

The question that keeps coming up in all sorts of news outlets is a victim blaming question. "What message is Rihanna sending?" is the question that continues to be asked. Asking this question implies that Rihanna has done something wrong! Rihanna is not sending any message. She is not saying that what happened to her is ok. Why aren't we asking what message Chris is sending? He is the one that did something wrong here, not Rihanna. Various "experts" on TV continue to ask this question as well. I wonder, have these "experts" worked with victims of domestic violence/teen dating? Do they understand why victims return to abusive relationships? Have they spent their careers working with dv victims & learning about this? I am appalled at the backlash that she is receiving. People are speaking out on HLN (Headline News station) stating that her cover girl contract should be pulled, that she is weak, that she is no longer a role model, parents are pulling her posters off of their kids??? walls and refusing to buy her music and talking about her with disgust in their voices. How can it be that we treat a victim this way? She was beaten and her life was threatened and the world is angry with her?? They are not giving her any reason to believe in herself. They are giving her every reason to stay "beaten down." Allowing these messages to be aired over and over again, the world is emotionally abusing her at the time that she needs the most support and advocacy. She doesn't need to be yelled at or told that she is weak. That is what abusers do. Pull her contract from Cover Girl? Take away what makes her feel good about herself?? Why not just kick her while she's down? That makes a whole lot of sense. In a normal dv situation, these same types of things happen. These situations are about power and control, victims return out of love and fear. Making her feel even more isolated than she already does, is not the solution. Telling them "if he beats you once, he'll beat you again" is not something they don't already know. They are not stupid. That statement doesn't magically make them "snap out of it." The dynamics of an abusive situation are much more complicated than that. My issue with all of this is that this is not educating society (our children especially) about dv and the many different reasons that victims return to the situation (returning an average of 7-12 times). Instead this is teaching every victim out there that society has no tolerance for victims. So, why would a victim want to come forward, call the police?? If Rihanna (a beautiful, talented, rich and famous person) is being treated this way because she reported the abuse to police, no one else is safe. This is the message that is being sent to all the Rihanna's out there. We should be ashamed of ourselves. HLN should be ashamed for continuing to have guests on their show that send these subliminal messages and air voice mail messa

Finally an article that does not blame the victim!!!

Thank you Newsweek for publishing this article. Time and time again I hear people blaming the victim thinking she is weak for staying, she deserves it if she goes back to him, etc. No body deserves this. Society really needs a wake-up call on what domestic violence is, what the warning signs are, and how one can end the cycle of abuse.

Juliandroms,

I'm going to talk to you man to man, and make a few things clear to you...

1) Real men don't hit women.

2) If a real man is hit by a woman, if possible he retreats from the situation, and if it's not possible for him to retreat (he's in a car parked on the side of the highway, let's say, and to exit the car would put him in the face of speeding traffic, or if he's climbing a mountain and his female climbing partner starts pounding away at him, or if the woman with whom he's sharing a life raft starts to wildly pummel him), he should restrain her (grabs her by the wrists perhaps) until she calms down, but he shouldn't hit her.

3) If the real man is physically smaller than a woman who is attacking him (and there's no reason a real man can't be small... real men aren't determined by size), and he is in legitimate danger at the hands of said woman, he should retreat from the situation ASAP and report her to the police for her domestic violence. People in relationships, male and female, big and small, when facing violence from their partner, should retreat from said violence whenever possible, not retaliate with further violence.