Everyone handles these life changes differently, this author spoke honestly and from his heart. It's not that he didn't want his son, it's that he wasn't prepared, and this is where we fail as a society. Being a parent is for most people the most wonderous event in their lives. Some feel it from the moment they find out the bundle of joy is on the way, others at the time of birth and for others it may not come for awhile after the birth. The bonding experience is unique to each person.
As a society we focus so much on the wonders of parenthood that we ignore or gloss over the negatives, the struggles physical, emotional, psychological, etc. And so when a parent feels anything but wonderment we treat them like pariah's. Not remembering that all of us at least once, if we're honest became so frustrated and alone that we wondered about out ability to parent.
With a result teen girls think having babies is all about fun and games, it's wonderful, the best thing that could ever happen. We do not give a realistic view or information about the nitty gritty realities of parenthood. There is also the problem that women tend to be hyper-critical about anything dad's do, they interfere a lot. This is a proven fact. Men parent differently and not enough has been researched on this. Mom always thinks she knows best and if dad deviates from her perception of what is right she criticizes and dad pulls back and away.
Now I have two incredible daughters, and to be honest I never gave a thought to how their fathers felt, what they were feeling and going through those early years. It is something that has been ignored. Both were and are great fathers. My daughters are 15 yrs apart in age. Women are given more latitude in their emotions. I wouldn't of course give my girls up for the world, but parenting is the best, most wonderous experience, but it is also the most frustrating, difficult thing a person can do.
So all of you who are telling him to grow up, grow a pair, be a man, etc. you need to be a little more honest about what you did feel, what you went through. Anytime someone gives an opinion that goes against the norm even when others secretly agree, they get scared and lash out. He never said he didn't want his children, he just wasn't fully prepared. And that's where we as a society need to change, help prospective parents understand the changes having a child will bring to your life, the negative and the positive.
Slouching Toward Fatherhood
I thought being a dad would come easily to me. But soon after my son's birth, I was looking for a way out.
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Nearly every night of the first few weeks of my son's life, I'd click him into the back seat of our minivan and drive him around until he fell asleep. Like so many babies lulled by the humming of tires on pavement, the kid conked out in 10 minutes, but I'd continue on to the closest Dunkin' Donuts with an all-night drive-thru window, nearly an hour away.
My wife and I made this arrangement to allow her some precious sleep, but as I volunteered for chauffeur duty again and again—each time coming home later and later—we both knew there was more going on than her exhaustion and my craving for doughnuts.
In the parking lot, I would pray my son would stay asleep and not set my already-frayed nerves on fire. I'd cram those doughnuts into my mouth as if they were the last delicious things on earth.
These were the tiny, fleeting pleasures I clung to after my son was born. They felt like all I had left. When a child was added to my life, it was as if something enormous and coveted was subtracted in return, and the transaction left me reeling, like someone who'd just gambled away his soul.
I fell into a well of depression so deep I wasn't even aware of it. It was only years later, after I spoke to a psychotherapist, that I learned I was experiencing male postpartum depression. It seems ridiculous on its face: men don't do the hard work of carrying a pregnancy for nine months. We don't have to bear the pains of labor. We never had an umbilical connection to our children. We just have to hang on tight. But giving my emotions a name, and an explanation, helped me feel less alone and better able to cut myself some slack. Before then, even calling it depression felt like an excuse for weak, pathetic behavior.
This was not what I expected from fatherhood. I was 31 and thought I'd slide into it easily. "What's a little sleep deprivation?" parents-to-be tell themselves. We got through college, after all. But not 48 hours after we returned home with our boy, a truth dawned on me with shocking force: my life was gone. Movies, sleeping, long showers—all gone. We became slaves to this tiny new thing living in our home, and there was no going back.
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