Slouching Toward Fatherhood

Everyone handles these life changes differently, this author spoke honestly and from his heart. It's not that he didn't want his son, it's that he wasn't prepared, and this is where we fail as a society. Being a parent is for most people the most wonderous event in their lives. Some feel it from the moment they find out the bundle of joy is on the way, others at the time of birth and for others it may not come for awhile after the birth. The bonding experience is unique to each person.
As a society we focus so much on the wonders of parenthood that we ignore or gloss over the negatives, the struggles physical, emotional, psychological, etc. And so when a parent feels anything but wonderment we treat them like pariah's. Not remembering that all of us at least once, if we're honest became so frustrated and alone that we wondered about out ability to parent.
With a result teen girls think having babies is all about fun and games, it's wonderful, the best thing that could ever happen. We do not give a realistic view or information about the nitty gritty realities of parenthood. There is also the problem that women tend to be hyper-critical about anything dad's do, they interfere a lot. This is a proven fact. Men parent differently and not enough has been researched on this. Mom always thinks she knows best and if dad deviates from her perception of what is right she criticizes and dad pulls back and away.

Now I have two incredible daughters, and to be honest I never gave a thought to how their fathers felt, what they were feeling and going through those early years. It is something that has been ignored. Both were and are great fathers. My daughters are 15 yrs apart in age. Women are given more latitude in their emotions. I wouldn't of course give my girls up for the world, but parenting is the best, most wonderous experience, but it is also the most frustrating, difficult thing a person can do.

So all of you who are telling him to grow up, grow a pair, be a man, etc. you need to be a little more honest about what you did feel, what you went through. Anytime someone gives an opinion that goes against the norm even when others secretly agree, they get scared and lash out. He never said he didn't want his children, he just wasn't fully prepared. And that's where we as a society need to change, help prospective parents understand the changes having a child will bring to your life, the negative and the positive.

What a lot of negativity in this discussion. While I agree that it should not be compared to or called male/father post-partum depression, by doing so it does minimize what women go through and experience. Post partum depression is due to hormone levels and is a physical/mental/emotional/psychological state brought on by what the body has experienced.
So, no it's not and should not be equated as the same or similar.
That being said even women who want and are ready for parenthood can and do experience PPD to one degree or another. And anytime a person's life changes in a dramatic and life altering way there is bound to be some fall out in some form or another.

Okay, how about THIS?? I'm a PEDIATRICIAN ... surely I knew what to expect, and surely I had plenty of experience with lack of sleep during my training. But there I was after the birth of my daughter: ill-tempered, negative-minded, resentful towards her, and completely baffled at my own feelings, not to mention overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I did a pretty good job of hiding these emotions from others, but my wife really started picking up on it 2 months after our baby was born. God bless her because UNLIKE MOST PEOPLE ON THIS THREAD, she took an understanding and supportive stance, and it let me work out my "inner demons." I didn't need therapy or anything like that, so maybe my case was mild. Our baby is 4 months old now and I've done a complete 180... being a father is wonderful, and it just takes some adjusting for some new dads.

We're all different. And based on my reading here I see some of us are very, very quick to judge. Do you people saying "GROW UP!!! / STOP BEING SELFISH!!! and "BE A MAN!!!" ever stop to think that dads like me have not already stood in front of the mirror and said these things to ourselves hundreds of times? Believe me, I was just as shocked and disgusted with myself as many of you are with the author. For those of you thinking "I'm glad you weren't MY pediatrician", etc... Well you know what? I'm a darn good one and hey... what if I AM your pediatrician? And if you're a woman, I'm really glad you weren't MY wife. Chew on that.

My recommended solution? Sit down, discuss these feelings with an open mind, and constantly remind each other you are in this thing together. Guys, that means offering reassurance and help even when you don't want to, and ladies, that means showing your gratitude and affection even if you don't think he quite deserves it.

It's a team effort people, not a stone-throwing contest.

My husband suffered from this too. I only hope more men realize it can happen and take ownership of their health. The damage it does to marriage can leave scars that never heal.

Since the author has managed to co-opt postpartum depression as a means of validating his experience ( and in the process trivialize the problem for women face) I wonder how he's going to deal with "manopause."

I once wrote a brief essay for our local newspaper regarding the sacrifices that my Mom had made for me, of which I had largely ignored as a child. Even as I wrote it I was moved to tears as I attempted to journal the multitudinous efforts she gave to raise four children. Admittedly, the relationship was not so close to my Dad; who, it seemed was overwhelmed with parenthood - maybe as this article's author described. So, it was with intent that my relationship with my son was decidedly different. Each age and stage of development was greatly anticipated. Each arrived with hope of what he was growing to become. My focus was to have a relationship of nurture and culture which prepared him for individualism, accomplishment and control of his own life. When he was three we intentionally adopted the motto of "Others" to guide our actions and decisions; as silly as that might seem. That was pretty much the foundation of our interaction with all those outside of our family. Though he's nineteen now and a University student, my guess is that it still guides him. I hope the author's relationship with his son is still recoverable. I encourage him to make the effort. Get a vision in mind of what your child can become, then with excitement, shape the clay in your hand. With Father's Day coming up, perhaps there might be a way to reverse the emphasis to be on your child/children and spend the weekend doing what might generate a strong relationship. Perhaps adopt your own motto (mind you, our motto was a guiding factor, but we kept it priviate) and do some things which are focused on the privilege you have to invest in the culture through your son. I missed it with my dad. It would be a sad loss for your son to miss it with you.

I remember having the same feelings almost 13 years ago after my son was born. Thank God for my husband and mom because I felt like walking out and never coming back. The overwhelming guilt of having this feelings is almost unbearable. After my second child three years later, I realized that these are feelings that some have but never discuss. So I tell new parents that I had those feelings and they all say they had them too. So people don't gloss parenthood, but be upfront with new parents and say it is a hard job but the most rewarding job you will ever have.

Oh, that's right. It can't be all about him because it HAS to be all about the CHILDREN. That's the problem with our culture. We're simply too baby, child and family obsessed. So what if he is whining? Who can blame him? If I had his life I'd be whining too. Actually, I'd be kicking myself for not thinking more carefully about having kids.

To MMH Master--my husband and I are both liberals, and the first words that came out of my husband's mouth when he read this article were exactly what I was feeling--"grow up!" My husband and I are both approaching 40, and have only for a little more than a year have been foster parents to two young, beautiful and very active boys whom we intend to adopt. We tried for years to have a baby, even sought fertility counselling, yet thought at the end of the day that it would be a benefit to society as a whole to adopt out of the foster system. Boy, were we in for a ride--but isn't that what all parents go through? Parenthood is a beautiful thing, but it sure ain't no picnic. All my husband I could say after reading that article was, no wonder his wife dumped him! Oy vey.

Perhaps Mr. Schwartrzberg would have sunk into depression anyway. His first mistake was drawing upon advice from Dr. Fluffyhead. Paxil, friend, might have helped. And also some perspective. Long showers, movies .... all that is possible later on. They do grow BTW. I have three kids, and yes, life changes. Borrowing from the Peace Corps slogan, it's the hardest job you'll ever love. Children are a gift from God to be raised and pointed in a useful direction to make the world a better place. What an awesome, scary, and rewarding task. I'm better for it, no doubt.

Perhaps Mr. Schwartrzberg would have sunk into depression anyway. His first mistake was drawing upon advice from Dr. Fluffyhead. Paxil, friend, might have helped. And also some perspective. Long showers, movies .... all that is possible later on. They do grow BTW. I have three kids, and yes, life changes. Borrowing from the Peace Corps slogan, it's the hardest job you'll ever love. Children are a gift from God to be raised and pointed in a useful direction to make the world a better place. What an awesome, scary, and rewarding task. I'm better for it, no doubt.

"Calling it depression(IS) an excuse for weak, pathetic behavior". This article sickens me. That's one of the problem with this nation, a nation of "ME". My son is 9 months old and I have never, ever felt an ounce of depression or regret that this author seemed to be overwhelmed with. I knew from the beginning that we would be seemingly overwhelmed, but we haven't been. We see our son as a blessing and are grateful for this chance.

Sounds like an attention seeking diagnosis if I ever saw one. Women can't even own postpartum depression now? I agree this man needs to grow a pair, and I'm not talking about breasts.
http://realityrounds.com/2009/04/13/male-postpartum-depression/

Love fluxion's comment.
Straight and to the point.

Ill bet he screams when he sees a roach

Jeez what a female. Please grow a pair and be a man and a father.
I am so blessed to have a father Not like Joel.
I am now a father and can say it is the most joyous thing in my life.
Jee I wonder if this guy is a liberal? Naw Liberal dudes are to manly for this self loathing crap.

Jeez what a female. Please grow a pair and be a man and a father.
I am so blessed to have a father Not like Joel.
I am now a father and can say it is the most joyous thing in my life.
Jee I wonder if this guy is a liberal? Naw Liberal dudes are to manly for this self loathing crap.