Slouching Toward Fatherhood

Wow. What a complete puss.

Sometimes you have to confront your realities head-on, and with this guy it is that he shouldn't have become a father to begin with. He was too self-consumed to do even the most basic research on child-rearing and what to expect it was going to be like being a father. He stopped at his college experience and compares it to that, as if surviving in the cocoon of academe and the swirl of partying is in any way comparable to parenting. Instead of bemoaning what he had lost, he should have been looking forward to all the new experiences he'd be sharing and all the new things he'd be learning from his child. And along with all the joys, the illness and disputes and whining are all part of the deal too, as they no doubt were for the author when he was a kid! When it comes to thinking beyond the self, this guy was, and still is, clueless. No sympathy for him, but plenty for the ex-wife and kids.

Habanero and nrod already said what I would like to say, but I'd add that as a father, husband and a man,I found this guy to be sad, pathetic and weak. Sorry if I can't work up any sympathy for him, but please: It was only years later, when you had seen a psychotherapist, that you realized you were experiencing male post-partum depression? What a crock. What you were suffering was severe selfish blowback from an ill-informed decision you never should have made. You're obviously an intelligent person: Are you seriously asking people to believe you had absolutely NO idea that parenthood was difficult? That it was life-changing? That a baby, by definition, requires full-time attention? I don't know how many books there are on parenting -- possibly in the millions, considering how big the section is at my local bookstore. Did you happen to pick any of them up? Did you talk to a friend or family member who's a parent, get their insights? Google "parenthood," for God's sake? Any or all of these would have furnished you the information you claim you lacked.

I feel so sorry for your ex-wife and kids, but my sympathy is leavened by the knowledge that you're only in their lives part-time. Your wife is well out of it. Your kids, of course, will suffer the effects of divorce (and eventually discovering what a useless, self-involved wuss their father is).

One last thought. You wrote: "Our marriage took a fatal hit." In writing, this is called a passive sentence. As a writer yourself, let me give you some advice -- always strive for the active voice. Here's how it should have read:

"I killed our marriage."

What a pansy this guy is! Parenthood is not for the faint of heart or the weak-willed. It takes 100% commitment, sacrifice and total dedication to be a good parent. There is no turning back once that baby is born. After all, children don't ask to be born. We choose to bring them into this world when we decide to become parents. If this guy wasn???t 100% sure that he was ready to be a father, then he should have never fathered any children. But then again, who is ever really ready to be a parent?

I???ll be the first to admit that I get the blues every now and then when I compare my previous carefree life of wine, women and song to the current one whose calendar is dominated by dental appointments, Cub Scout den meetings, choir practices, music lessons and soccer practices for my 3 children. However, I count my blessings and thank God every day for my life full of spiritual rewards and simple joys that come with raising these 3 wonderful, challenging and, at times, exasperating kids.

Lastly, real men don???t abandon their children or divorce their wives. Real men don???t quit on them. They stick it out through thick or thin, good times or bad times, through sickness or health, riches or poverty, lean bodies or bloated after-birth chubby bodies. You know, good old fashioned family values as spelled out in traditional wedding vows.

My wife and I would have it no other way???and God has blessed us for it!

This piece reminds me of an old New Yorker cartoon. Two couples meet on the sidewalk, one with a stroller, one without. The childless couple are explaining something like, "We found that we missed sleeping in on the weekends and going to art house movies too much, so we sent ours back."

My husband and I saw the movie "My Life as a Dog" shortly before the birth of our first child, and its title became a little joke between us. Whenever things were horrible - sleepless nights, poop-leaking Pampers, having to hastily leave someplace because the little tyrant wouldn't stop screaming - one of us would say with wry resignation, "My Life as a Dog, Day 14 [Day 246, Day 1,382, etc]." This catchphrase lasted us for years, with special emphasis during the time we had two in diapers. Hell yes, a lot of it was pure misery, but it was a misery we shared.

Reading Mr. Schwartzberg's Nixonian "our marriage took a fatal hit" makes me grateful for the strong marriage, and great husband, I'm lucky enough to have. I do appreciate his bravery in baring his not-so-admirable feelings to the world this way. But I have to wonder what the ex-wife has to say about this piece.

As the new father of twins, I was a bit taken back by this article. I feel bad that the author had issues . But I think he missed a point. It is understandable that some have issues accepting the new responsibilities of parenthood. But that does not mean he was as good as a parent as anyone else. As a new Dad, I see my role as two-fold. First, do everying I can to support and nurture my kids. Second, I need to do whatever I can to support my wife. Is it tough at times? You bet? But the good things in life are. I'm so happy to know that the author has a great relationship with his kids now. But perhaps this article best underscores this point: parenthood is a lot of work and it changes things. Guess what? That's life. You make the best of it, and you protect those that depend on you.

Rather than excoriate this father for having the guts to describe unpopular feelings, we should pay attention to the real message - we do a poor job of preparing men for parenting. I doubt that this man saw his own father involved in early child care; few men of my father's generation would have bothered to drive a child around so their wives could sleep - soothing fretful babies was a woman's job. And when he found himself confused, resentful and overwhelmed, how many other fathers were available for him to draw strength from? My guess is none.

This man clearly had no idea what he could expect to feel or experience, and was completely overwhelmed when his child was born. He wasn't selfish, he wasn't immature, he wasn't mean, he was just uninformed and overwhelmed. Too many fathers go through this and don't express their panic and fears, I imagine because they know they will hear the outpouring of scorn found in so many of these posts.

Rather than point fingers and call names, rather than label these men as unfit fathers, we need to do a much better job of preparing young couples for what they can expect, and then help them when the children are born. Nuclear families are just NOT a functional way of raising children - it is too damn hard.

Men need role models for fathering, and they need other fathers to commiserate with - as a society we provide neither, and then wonder why so many marriages, and families, fail.

Although it would be tempting to pigeonhole this rant as symptomatic of the "ME generation", the self-centered individual who penned "Slouching Toward Fatherhood" is himself the product of selfish parenting. And his own parents would have been produced long before the appearance of "MyMusic" and "MySpace.com". It is the continuation of a crisis in parenting the world over that is spawning destructiveness not only impacting our societies, but the health of our planet. Springing instantly to mind upon ingesting this whine were the late Paul Shepard's words, from the introduction to his environmental manifesto "Nature and Madness", that "...the only thing more frightening than a world run by children as in Golding's 'Lord of the Flies' is one run by childish adults".

Slouching Toward Fatherhood is a sad, sorry look at the state of "men" in this country today. The unwillingness to take responsibility for children is arguably a factor in the tide of deadbeat dads and out-of-wedlock births that are afflicting this country. The pathetic diatribe about all that was "taken away" from him is just a symptom of the larger problem. Instead of taking strength and maturity from responsibility, all too many men see it as a reason to whine and cry about what they have lost. Forgive me if I don't feel sorry for this father who so desperately wants our sympathy. I do, however have sympathy for the wife that had to suffer this fool for far too long and the children who will one day read about what a burden they are to him.

Perhaps the author suffered from some sort of depression; I'm not a medical professional and cannot diagnose. But as a former (female) sufferer from PPD, I can tell you that true PPD is not simply being overwhelmed or grieved by the demands of parenthood. The hormonal changes that take place in a woman's body following childbirth are rampant, significant, and very physical and even quantifiable. I think it minimizes the physical reality of PPD in a woman's body to say that a depressed father, who did not give birth, suffers from it. For so long, women have struggled to give voice to the physical reality that happens in her body after childbirth, a reality that sometimes results in PPD. Let's not dole out that term so freely that it loses its meaning.

This article described my feelings after the birth of both of my sons exactly. The first time, I didn't understand it or know what to expect and as he got older, it went away. The second time I felt so much more intensely anxious and sad, waking up each morning with a feeling of dread. I started taking Zoloft and within 1 week I felt back to normal, happy and looking forward to playing with my 2 sons. It's a physiological problem for many that simply can't be talked away. I commend this father for writing about his feelings and I hope that other's will seek medical help before allowing it to ruin their marriage or their enjoyment of their baby's first year of life. - Laura

I recommend those who are encouraged or outraged by this article also read the related Newsweek piece on PPD in men featuring an interview with Dr. Will Courtenay of saddaddy.com. It can be found here: http://www.newsweek.com/id/192914

Oh please, give me a break! I have never read such a self-centered egocentric article. It was you decision to have children and to cry about the world not revolving around you is very selfish. Imagine how all those couples feel who aren't able to have children of their own. They would give anything to be able to be parents. I hope your children never have the chance to read this article in the future, because it would surely affect their self-esteem thinking that they were such a burden to you. As far as male post-partum depression I think it's just a case of feelings of not being the center of attention anymore. Get over it and grow up!

I have never read a more "Me Oriented" magazine article in my life. As someone who suffered from severe post partum depression after the birth of my daughter, your concern for yourself was less about depression and more about what YOU were giving up. When my daughter was a week old, my mother came to get her to care for her, because I was simply unable to. I could barely get out of bed. It took a while to get it back together again, but never once did I ever regret having her. I just couldn't care for her because of my hormones after pregnancy. Why on earth did you have more children if you regretted the first? I knew I could never have more children after such a serious case of post-partum depression.