Everyone handles these life changes differently, this author spoke honestly and from his heart. It's not that he didn't want his son, it's that he wasn't prepared, and this is where we fail as a society. Being a parent is for most people the most wonderous event in their lives. Some feel it from the moment they find out the bundle of joy is on the way, others at the time of birth and for others it may not come for awhile after the birth. The bonding experience is unique to each person.
As a society we focus so much on the wonders of parenthood that we ignore or gloss over the negatives, the struggles physical, emotional, psychological, etc. And so when a parent feels anything but wonderment we treat them like pariah's. Not remembering that all of us at least once, if we're honest became so frustrated and alone that we wondered about out ability to parent.
With a result teen girls think having babies is all about fun and games, it's wonderful, the best thing that could ever happen. We do not give a realistic view or information about the nitty gritty realities of parenthood. There is also the problem that women tend to be hyper-critical about anything dad's do, they interfere a lot. This is a proven fact. Men parent differently and not enough has been researched on this. Mom always thinks she knows best and if dad deviates from her perception of what is right she criticizes and dad pulls back and away.
Now I have two incredible daughters, and to be honest I never gave a thought to how their fathers felt, what they were feeling and going through those early years. It is something that has been ignored. Both were and are great fathers. My daughters are 15 yrs apart in age. Women are given more latitude in their emotions. I wouldn't of course give my girls up for the world, but parenting is the best, most wonderous experience, but it is also the most frustrating, difficult thing a person can do.
So all of you who are telling him to grow up, grow a pair, be a man, etc. you need to be a little more honest about what you did feel, what you went through. Anytime someone gives an opinion that goes against the norm even when others secretly agree, they get scared and lash out. He never said he didn't want his children, he just wasn't fully prepared. And that's where we as a society need to change, help prospective parents understand the changes having a child will bring to your life, the negative and the positive.
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Slouching Toward Fatherhood
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I ceded nearly complete authority to my wife, then blamed both her and my son for my feelings of loss and insignificance. I took on every parental responsibility with sucked-up reluctance on the outside and contempt on the inside. My wife seemed to consider me selfish and irresponsible. She was tired, she'd say, of parenting both of us. Even when the bickering ended, the wounds never healed. Our marriage took a fatal hit.
I couldn't mask my sadness when my work colleagues asked excitedly about fatherhood. "It's good … well, it's OK," I said. "Actually, it's very, very hard." By then, I was close to tears. We were all happy when the conversation ended. Later on, they told me I'd scared the crap out of them. I'm sure at least a few went back on contraception.
One day, I sat on the hardwood floor next to my son, both of us exhausted. My son started crying. Then I did, too. Actually, we bawled. I don't know why he was crying, but I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it. As messy as it was, that shared sob was our first moment of bonding, and it helped steer me toward responsibility.
Eventually, my wife and I divorced, but our split actually enhanced my relationship with my kids. (We had twin girls after my son.) It forced me to locate my inner parent, the one who tells me when it's OK to let my son stay up late, when it's appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, friendly family wrestling match.
Nine years later, I look back at an old photo of my son and me asleep together on a sunlit bed when he was a newborn. Our faces are peaceful and our arms stretched upward, as if we're doing a stadium wave. I view the picture as incontrovertible evidence that he was a part of me—a time-sucking, sleep-stealing, delicious part of me. And what's more, he needed me. I just had to step outside of myself to see it. I was no less a dad all along, just a lost one.
Schwartzberg is a writer and PBS producer living in Montclair, N.J.
© 2009
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