SOCIETY

A Geek Love Story

How new technology is changing the way we think about love, lust and desire in the digital age.

By Jessica Bennett | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Apr 14, 2009 | Updated: 10:59  a.m. ET Apr 14, 2009

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  • Posted By: tomdulaney @ 05/12/2009 11:31:08 AM

    As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself....fascinating story. I suggest the "geek" reference is too limititing, though. A huge percentage of people around the world now spend major chunks of their days online in cyber reality. I've spent most of the last 3 months there myself, researching for a book by acting as a fake person in the social net world.

    Go back, as I have done, to Marshall McLuhan's "Understanding Media" and his theme that the "Medium is the Message." The new medium of cyber living---whether you are an HR person snapping through resumes, a middle manager placing buy and sell orders worth millions with a faceless net person, or an online Casanova or Cinderella making love by the light of the digital moon--is changing our world. And, do note, it is changing us. Serious commentators who want to go direct to me on this subject may do so to tomdulaney@comcast.net

  • Posted By: tomdulaney @ 05/12/2009 11:23:27 AM

    Fascinating story, comments and links to other stories.

  • Posted By: robford23 @ 04/29/2009 7:48:48 AM

    Love makes change. And it's going to be modern with technology.....
    http://www.afroromance.com/

  • Posted By: jpluso @ 04/24/2009 8:34:30 AM

    I have read all the comments posted with interest, and now need to tell someone my story.My rl partner is an avid user of sl and I see its potential to break up our relationship. Just tonight, after putting the kids to bed, he is on it. Now, imagine this happening every night to you. I go to bed alone and wake up when the kids do. He is still sleeping after having a late night/early morning from being on the computer. The resentment has built up to the point that I don't think I know him anymore. His avatar was created in June last year and he has been quite open with his activities on it. I know they are of a sexual nature and feelings of love are talked about. He says it is just fun but I pointed out to him you are playing with peoples emotions, including mine. It has taken awhile for me to get my head around the effect sl has had on us as a couple and as a family, and I am still coming to terms with it. Maybe I know, deep down that it is over - I have tried the "oh, its only a computer game" approach, but I still feel intense negative feelings that sl even exists - I feel jealous not of what he says or does with avatars, but with the time he spends with them. I feel sadness for my kids - I know when I am out he is on sl while the kids are being looked after by tv shows. I feel he is being cruel when he takes his dinner next to the computer rather than sit down with me. Am I really that unbearable to be with now? It is like he has experienced this life of perfection now, where no-one smells bad, everyone (who chooses to) looks good, and he can be the person he wants to be, RL cannot compete - and I can't either.

  • Posted By: ThePrairiePrankster @ 04/14/2009 1:01:03 PM

    Pathetic.

    • Posted By: grapeeyes @ 04/15/2009 2:11:39 PM

      I am curious, what exactly do you find pathetic and why?

      • Posted By: ThePrairiePrankster @ 04/15/2009 7:47:53 PM

        I think that this is not the whole story and that this is not reflective of reality and highly unbalanced. I am happy for anyone who finds meaning, love and joy in their lives -- even Dave.

        • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 7:58:28 PM

          And your evidence for the deception and concealment you believe is going on...?

          • Posted By: nicholaspaul @ 04/20/2009 1:08:51 PM

            My evidence is that I know of a family destroyed by this kind of adultery. Ten years later they are all still paying the price. When are people going to realise that emotional adultery leads to physical adultery and tears people apart.

            • Posted By: Jennifer Niehaus-Rivers @ 04/22/2009 6:52:34 PM

              I am supporting my best friend through a very difficult time in her marriage after finding out about her husband's second life "wife". Not only was he having an emotional affair - we believe that they never met in person - but he spent $2,000 on this woman in the virtual world. Now they are in therapy, dealing not only with his cheating, but also with his very real addiction issues. This article was very irresponsible to not at least address the negatives of this false world.

        • Posted By: grapeeyes @ 04/16/2009 2:42:12 PM

          What part of the story do you think is missing? How is it not reflective of reality and how is it unbalanced? Also, have you ever been on Second Life? I am just curious how you have come to your conclusions, that is all.

    • Posted By: heleil13 @ 04/18/2009 3:32:44 PM

      To The Prairie Prankster: Well since you believe there is more to this story than is written by the reporter how about ask me since I know the couple personally? Sorry to bust your bubble darlin' but sometimes in life take things at face value. Jessica wrote a great piece. She wrote what she heard and saw. Rhonda and Paul are who they are 2 people who met on the web and fell in love. Sometimes in life simple things happen to good people and others just can't accept that as fact. Do ever wonder why? Maybe because as a country we expect everything to be so much harder than it has to be. TPP stop smell the roses and if you have someone special or even children ... stop long enough just to watch them, enjoy life and tell them you love them. All My Love to you Rhonda D.....

    • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 11:34:32 AM

      Pathetic that people who would never have met are forming lasting and genuine bonds because they are able to connect in ways that never would have been possible? I think it's pathetic you would dismiss this beautiful love story, simply because it originated in an environment you obviously don't understand. The world is just getting smaller, that's all. The pathetic ones are people like you - too narrow-minded to see the genuineness of the love that people are finding in SL.

      • Posted By: ThePrairiePrankster @ 04/15/2009 12:23:49 PM

        Enjoy the fantasy, Dave.

        • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 12:29:03 PM

          And you the denial. You're obviously reading selectively, if at all.

          • Posted By: ThePrairiePrankster @ 04/15/2009 7:45:27 PM

            Thanks for the entertainment, Dave, it's great to see you squirm when your assumptions are questioned.

            • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 7:57:34 PM

              Which assumptions?

              • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/16/2009 10:43:02 AM

                Yeah - I figured as much. I speak from extensive personal experience. You speak from ... assumptions: that you're being lied to, that there's "more to the story," that nothing good can come from what you've condemned without knowing thing one about it (or am I assuming?). I figured you'd probably cut and run, rather than squirm when your BS is questioned.

  • Posted By: nicholaspaul @ 04/20/2009 1:05:06 PM

    More proof that networking keeps people apart, instead of bringing them together. Just think. There are probably people within a stones throw of either of these people that could benefit from a physical encounter. This couple's desperation and isolation has just been magnified by technology.
    Flip the switch and get out of the house!

    (and before you denigrate me as unfeeling, I know what I'm talking about. Been there, done that, realised the folly and grown up).

  • Posted By: daveeg @ 04/20/2009 10:15:45 AM

    the only sad thing, IMHO, is that we have come to where we are so consumed with superficiality when face-to-face that perhaps we need to get into a pretend world to eliminate the superficial with a facade of perfection.

    i am happy for these individuals.

    i also wonder if this, if a trend, indicates a loss of our ability to be genuinely related to one another under natural circumstances.

  • Posted By: lvarnier @ 04/19/2009 3:00:12 PM

    Nothing sad here. Your thoughts, feelings, disires, and actions were all real with each other. It was just your characters were fictitious. of course, you know that. When you do finally have the opportunity to share your lives together in realism just remember to always keep the communication lines open, keep the love alive, and never give up in times of struggle. There is always so much more to learn about each other. But hey, you got a lifetime to do it in. My best wishes to you both. Such a beautiful' uplifting story. Keep it alive. After all, in the end all we have in this world is our story.

  • Posted By: lvarnier @ 04/19/2009 2:36:38 PM

    So very cool! Very uplifting story. You will be together just be patient.

  • Posted By: windsweptgold @ 04/19/2009 4:26:10 AM

    What a wonderful story so nice to read something positive . I know a few ppl who have met in SL and gone on to marry please dont give up hope if its meant to be it will be.
    I also understand how hard it can be having so much water btw you the one who i care for in SL is in the USA and I am in Australia but that is nothing when i am with him and hear his voice.

  • Posted By: windsweptgold @ 04/19/2009 4:23:37 AM

    What a wonderful story and one i have heard before of couples getting together in SL. A few I know have ended up married in RL. I wish all the best for you both and never give up hope if its meant to be it will be

  • Posted By: TWforDL @ 04/16/2009 11:20:21 PM

    I, too, "fell in love" in a virtual world, Red Light Center, for about six months. We lived on different continents and endured many obstacles, including time zones, family obligations, and lack of physical contact. Yet we were in daily virtual contact and the romance spilled over into our real lives. I thought about him constantly and was overjoyed that I had someone in my life who truly cared for me. Sadly, the relationship did not last (he was married, I was not), but it was the most romantic and joyful relationship I have ever had. The heartbreak when it ended was worse than that for my divorce. And worst of all, I was unable to talk to anyone in the real world about what had happened, because I knew they would trivialize my experience. So I had to keep my grief to myself when it ended. More than two months later, I am still devastated. But I wouldn't trade those few months of perfect happiness for anything.

    • Posted By: Cazador72 @ 04/18/2009 8:16:15 PM

      I'm sorry to hear that and it sounds like a very painful experience for you. I think the reason why online relationships work so well is because the human touch is removed from it. It is easier to be honest about ourselves yet remain comfortably distant when we are online. They work precisely because the human "stink" is removed from it and we can idealize and fill in the gaps on the other person. Much like our high school sweethearts, online relationships don't survive in the real world any better statistically than face-to-face relationships. Not that they don't bring us joy and, in some ways, a deeper connection that is also more freely given and quicker, but it's the same as the beautiful pictures all over the net of my beloved Caribbean; yes, the sun is out and the beaches are gorgeous but you can't feel the heat, smell the salty air, deal with pestering mosquitoes or the guy you to sell you Chiclets!

      Neil Peart once wrote something that totally encapsulated how I felt about someone at the time:
      "Like a pair of vagabonds who wave between passing two trains
      Or the glimpse of a woman's smile through a window in the rain.
      I can smell her perfume. I can taste her lips.
      I can feel the voltage of her fingertips."

      I thought it was accurate but in an interview he said those lines were meant to show the irrationality of it. I had to agree. It's amazing to post something online that can -potentially- be read anywhere in the world and makes the space from "time and space" less significant, but it isn???t completely real, unlike our pains and joys, they are real.

      I hope your heart mends,

      Hugs

    • Posted By: Cazador72 @ 04/18/2009 7:35:03 PM

  • Posted By: Crystal Lindell @ 04/18/2009 5:55:54 PM

    This is such a great article.

  • Posted By: InLagWeTrust @ 04/16/2009 5:14:26 AM

    I've spent a total of 4 years using Second Life, out of curiosity at first, then attracted to the social potential, then the prospect of earning real money from it. Now, I've no interest in respnding to weak arguements where requests are made for proof or examples, as such a response is not viable or relevant - if you're in disagreement with my opinion it's of no interest to me whatsoever, all I hope to do is cast a little realistic light over 'SL' from genuine experience.
    Second Life has the potential to be a nice experience for an individual, but unless you are careful it can be very much the opposite. In my time using it I have seen the following: A couple meet on SL, then in real life, then visit eachother regularly for 3 years. A married woman find love with a guy on the other side of the world and not tell her husband about it for 3 or 4 years, with whom she would regularly engage in cybersex using SL's various tools and user created content. A 'friend' pay somebody a large some of real money for "land" on second life who then disappeared from SL, taking the money with them. A long list of people create content, such as avatar clothing in SL, to sell to pople for real money, only to have someone make direct duplicates of their work using third-party software then sell it as their onw in SL, thus stealing their profits, and on no occasion have I seen Linden Labs (SL's owners) do anything about it. A middle-aged spoke of having 'SL sex' with who he thought was a teenage girl, but turned out to be another middle-aged man in real life. A few occasions I've been approached by customers and through conversation learned or suspected that they were in fact children. People, presumably adults, using avatars resembling children, and in some cases showing evidence in their behaviour or profiles of having an interest in SL's adult content, including cybersex. From a business perspective, I've found the company to have incredibly poor customer service, and scant regard for the concerns of their subscribers except in cases where it might be costing them money. Very few profiles depict a real user, as most are annonymous, which is understandable given the potential risks contained in this environment, but the emphasis is more of the ablility to do what you want with other users without negative consequences for yourself, and people are frequently lied to, manipulated or cheated by such individuals.
    I'd say SL can be a useful tool, a much better one if it'd been managed by a company with a more responsible and sympathetic attitude, but as it stands I'd warn anyone from becoming so involved in it as I often see others do, more often resulting in disappointment and lost money. I sell content in SL, so I've an incentive to encourage more of you to use this service, but I can't honestly subscribe to most of what goes on in SL, and hope I'll see less negativity in it in the future.

    • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/16/2009 10:54:07 AM

      At 4 years, you're an SL old-timer, so you obviously know of what you speak. Everything you said does in fact go on. I come from a different perspective. I came in to help some friends make short films ("machinima") using SL. I don't go to clubs, I don't sell anyone anything (aside from my voice and, on occasion, my time on-set) and I'm past my "dating" days, having (as I mention below) found the girl of my dreams there.

      Just like anything else, there is bad there, and yes - the Lindens are generally no help with anything - but there's a lot of good, too. I have met truly wonderful people, who have given me enough information and proof for me to know they're who they say they are. There's a tremendous amount of creativity on display in SL, and a lot of generosity, too. People spend tons of money building and maintaining sims that they then just allow anyone to use, free of charge (to say nothing of the astounding amount of free content available). Most of the people I've seen burned in SL were gullible, or greedy, and forgot things like "don't believe everything you hear," and "if it looks too good to be true, it probably is." There are scammers everywhere, SL included, but in my experience, if you exercise a little common sense, and believe only what you see proof of, SL can provide an enormously enriching experience.

      Of course, the other issue not really covered here (though touched on briefly in the article) is that SL can be tremendously addictive, so beware, and remember this maxim: RL Must Always Win.

  • Posted By: NeoPoliticus @ 04/16/2009 3:47:25 AM

    The problem isn't where you find love - the problem is that people don't know what to do with it when they have it. There's no commitment online.

  • Posted By: Lucky5031 @ 04/15/2009 3:16:15 PM

    I met a man oveseas (briefly), felt a spark, but didn't know him very well. Through skype & the internet we formed most of our relationship until he could visit-several months later. I'd like to say it flourished (when we met it did) but he had computer issues (it broke) and no finances to get a new one, or access to another one (where he lived is not as technologically advanced as the US). Without the computers our relationship ended quite abruptly, since we were were totally dependent on that (phone calls were out of the question for the most part-too much money).

    I completely think you can form a relationship this way, but I also found out the hard way that relying on technology to fuel your relationship can be tough if its not reliable!

  • Posted By: Master Drakontis @ 04/15/2009 2:48:26 PM

    I know exactly how they feel, which I think is unfortunate and fortunate at the same time. November of 2007, my best friend introduced me to a girl online named Stephenie and we hit it off instantly. Since then, there has been a time where we weren't going out, but afterwards we were closer than ever. We've been together 11 months consecutively now and I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with. The internet has allowed for people to meet and find friends and love when they least expect it. My social life is pretty stagnant since I've had to switch schools and now I'm stuck in an apartment with my family. It's nice to be able to know that there's still a chance to communicate with an outside world. Me and Steph don't have it as bad as Lillie and Paul since I'm in Nebraska and she's in British Columbia, but it's still not an easy thing. Only thing we can do is wait and do what we can.

  • Posted By: sotnos @ 04/15/2009 11:49:51 AM

    These stories aren't rare, or new. But the ones that fail -- that turn out to be horribly abusive, or have been based on deception -- are never covered, yet equally frequent. Further, relationships that start online often carry an expectation of constant contact and visibility into a partner's life that doesn't translate into face-to-face relationships, and shouldn't. Ultimately, I think people are better off, mentally and physically (and collectively, socially), if they get out of their chairs and interact with the world and people around them.

    • Posted By: grapeeyes @ 04/15/2009 2:33:07 PM

      Wow, why so negative? Let's get real. Abusive relationships can happen no matter how someone met. My husband (that I met in SL) Is the kindest, most caring man ever. Also, I was very social and dated a lot (thus not glued to a chair). I took a break from dating, had no intention of getting involved with someone and met my husband. So, please don't make assumptions that all people who meet on line and form relationships are so messed up that they are abusive, accept abuse or desperate because they never get out.

    • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 11:55:18 AM

      I am interested to know where your data come from. Is there a study on the frequency of abusive relationships in SL versus RL? I would be very interested to see that. Do you have a link?

  • Posted By: Butterfly Effect @ 04/15/2009 2:04:43 PM

    I wish Yahoo and MSNBC would let me know that articles are from this low level dishrqag before I open them. Yet another stupid story.
    SCENES FROM THINGS TO COME: Second Life Democrat orgy with the Barrack & Michelle Obama (including leg humping dog), Pelosi, Franks, Dobbs, Geitner, Emanual - join the slobber fest.

    • Posted By: Dave in NM @ 04/15/2009 2:12:11 PM

      At least you're doing your part to raise the level of discourse.

  • Posted By: ChetaTorok @ 04/15/2009 1:35:38 PM

    What a very heartwarming story! Moreover, it was so refreshing to see a article that talked about relationships in virtual worlds like they are just normal extensions of real life needs/wants/desires instead of some kind of sick perversion. For years the majority of the articles posted about Second Life have not managed to try to understand virtual worlds and instead focused on the sex line or the marital infidelity angle, both great sell topics, but inaccurate as far as the underlying social environments are concerned.

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