MY TURN

The Other Love of His Life

My fiancé's first marriage ended in tragedy. Before we could be happy, he had to make peace with it. So did I.

NEWSWEEK
Published Apr 11, 2009
From the magazine issue dated Apr 20, 2009

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  • Posted By: khun1414 @ 05/10/2009 8:46:42 PM

    tourismgirl
    Nice to see you have so much compassion for something you have NO clue about (being a widow or widower). It is completely different than an old girlfriend, or an ex husband. This woman wrote a very insiteful story about dealing with someone who has lost a spouse. Best not to run your mouth about a subject that you haven't dealt with first hand. Her boyfriend did accomplish some big achievement, and I do know as I've been widowed for almost 4 yrs.

    • Posted By: tourismgirl @ 10/02/2009 1:42:54 PM

      You are absolutely right. I cannot understand exactly how you feel since I have not been there, but you haven't walked ten miles in my shoes either. Since every person's grief journey is unique, you cannot understand EXACTLY what ANYONE else is going through. But I can tell you this, it's that kind of arrogant, self-righteous, "my giref is worse than your grief" attitude that only hurts and further demeans the women (and men) who do become involved with people who have lost their spouse from death.

      Regarding compassion, as a human being, I am very compassionate, but as a woman who is interested in developing a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, not so much. My job is not to date a man so that I can help him "heal" from loving someone else. As a woman looking to develop a loving relationship with a man, I am ONLY interested in someone who is free of the chains of the past and who is able to commit wholly to our relationship. As a potential romantic partner, my expectation is that someone be ready to hit the ground running with me, not expect me to spend years of my own short, precious life serving as a stand-in, replacement, emotional healer, runner-up, to the woman who came before me. If a man wants that, then he needs to rely on his friends and his own paid grief therapist, but don't show up on my door and expect me to help him cope by putting my life on hold because another woman lost hers.

      Perhaps rather than attacking women like me who are honest and forthright about their own relationship needs, you should be passing the message foreward that widowers (and widows) do the hard work of grief recovery BEFORE they put themselves out on the market as being emotionally and spiritually available when they clearly are not. If someone isn't capable of being emotionally and spiritually faithful to their mate, then perhaps they need to hold off on the physical involvement until they can be.
      I

    • Posted By: WN-BrokenHearted @ 05/11/2009 4:54:18 PM

      One of the most traumatic times in anyone's life is the loss of his or her spouse. It is an incredibly difficult journey and the effects of the loss stay with us forever. Even in your wildest dreams it cannot be imagined. The pain is simply not describable. Anyone who has been there knows what I speak of and those that haven't can't imagine. As a widow myself I would have been even more tolerant of a widower???s attachment to his deceased wife than the fiancée in the story although she has embraced his loss with great dignity as much as most people could who have not lost a spouse. I will always love my deceased husband and should I ever marry a widower I would keep my heart open in the marriage for his deceased wife and love that he would still love her. This man she is marrying in the story is showing what a good husband he was and will likely be again.

    • Posted By: WN-BrokenHearted @ 05/11/2009 4:51:30 PM

      One of the most traumatic times in anyone's life is the loss of his or her spouse. It is an incredibly difficult journey and the effects of the loss stay with us forever. Even in your wildest dreams it cannot be imagined. The pain is simply not describable. Anyone who has been there knows what I speak of and those that haven't can't imagine. As a widow myself I would have been even more tolerant of a widower???s attachment to his deceased wife than the fiancée in the story although she has embraced his loss with great dignity as much as most people could who have not lost a spouse. I will always love my deceased husband and should I ever marry a widower I would keep my heart open in the marriage for his deceased wife and love that he would still love her. This man she is marrying in the story is showing what a good husband he was and will likely be again.

  • Posted By: tourismgirl @ 05/09/2009 1:38:18 AM

    Reading this column made me absolutely sick to my stomach. The writer acts like her boyfriend has accomplished some big achievement by taking off his wedding ring and putting away the memorial tribute to his dead wife. He should have done that BEFORE he even started dating. Of course she feels that she is being compared to the late wife. That's exactly what her boyfriend does every time he looks at one of his late wife's possessions and has to decide whether his growing love and respect for his new girlfriend is enough to replace the love he has lost. If so, then he puts the object away because he doesn't need it anymore. The late wife can no longer celebrate the love they had so he drags his new girlfriend to the grave so that she can serve as witness and by extension help him keep his former relationship front and center. It's over and the late wife is dead. She doesn't even know that he is at the gravesite and even if she does, who cares? I've certainly never cared about getting the approval of any of my boyfriend's ex-wives or girlfriends, why in the world would I care what the late wife thinks? Do you think she's lying in her grave hoping that the new girlfriend approves of her? This isn't a beautiful story. It's just yet another story of a selfish, grief-stricken widower taking advantage of a kind woman who doesn't have the self-confidence to assert her rights because she doesn't think that it's socially acceptable to do so.

    Why in the world would you care if you have her approval to date her former husband? She can't give it to you because she is dead. If she weren't, it's highly unlikely that she would approve of you sleeping with her husband.

  • Posted By: blakeley @ 04/25/2009 5:31:15 PM

    Thank you for writing this. I don't feel so alone anymore! My husband's wife died only a month after they were married. Ten years later, he met me. He was still wearing her wedding ring and her photos were everywhere. I found an online support network website called "Wives of Widowers" and I urged him to take down her photos and put her belongings in storage or give them to her mother. He took the wedding ring off too. Soon we were engaged and now we have been married for a year and half now. I used to feel like I was competing with her but all that changed after our wedding. She'll always be a part of our life, and I am fine with that.

  • Posted By: Lizzire @ 04/24/2009 6:58:02 PM

    This is a really beautiful piece! Great job!

  • Posted By: lauramonty @ 04/17/2009 11:13:29 AM

    I too am in love with a man who lost the "love of his life", his "soulmate". I struggled with the same questions and same inner nagging. Although he moved to a different home, her "stuff" was everywhere. Thank you for the wonderful article. His stuff is now in boxes or with her children. I know he loves me, but Joyce will always be a part of him. I am glad I choose him and choose to stop playing the mind-games a woman in our position can have to make life miserable. I chose to be grateful and happy, and make a wonderful life for both of us, together.. I don't think the widowed partner has a clue what we go through, but then again, I am not sure I can ever comprehend the pain of what he must have gone through. Thanks again - and the comments were great to read too!

  • Posted By: indygirl800 @ 04/16/2009 6:56:14 PM

    Hope it works. Try watching 'Message in a Bottle' together.

  • Posted By: vicphil @ 04/16/2009 2:22:46 AM

    First love never dies. True love never dies, too, even if it is not the first.

  • Posted By: TheoB @ 04/15/2009 8:34:04 AM

    I am a middlle-aged widower, but there are common chords that resound beautifully to me even though this couple is relatively young. Speaking to my girl friend just last night I thanked her profusely for what she has brought into my life with her love and peaceful understanding. I don't think she quite got it. Perhaps one day she will. Like Brandon, I too, can say I'm a VERY lucky man.

  • Posted By: TheoB @ 04/15/2009 8:33:34 AM

    I am a middlle-aged widower, but there are common chords that resound beautifully to me even though this couple is relatively young. Speaking to my girl friend just last night I thanked her profusely for what she has brought into my life with her love and peaceful understanding. I don't think she quite got it. Perhaps one day she will. Like Brandon, I too, can say I'm a VERY lucky man.

  • Posted By: JulieWOW @ 04/15/2009 12:08:17 AM

    I am the author of "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey as the Wife of a Widower". This article is very much like the advice I give my readers and the WOWs (Wives Of Widowers) and GOWs (Girlfriends Of Widowers) who frequent my message board (www.juliedonnerandersen.com). There IS room in a wiodwer's heart for both women. Just as a mother loves her children the same but differently, so, too, can a man who has lost a wife but has found love anew.

  • Posted By: robinmo @ 04/14/2009 2:10:53 PM

    Beautifully written. Many of us young widows and widowers consider ourselves lucky. To have found two loves worthy of sharing your life! I was widowed almost 3 years ago, at 39 with a 2 year old, and just remarried. I feel much the same as, I think, Brandon does.
    Thanks for sharing your story!

  • Posted By: Kathy Sena @ 04/14/2009 1:45:25 PM

    This is one of the best My Turn essays I've ever read. To be able to write about such a tender subject so compellingly is a gift. I wish Brandon and Amy much happiness! Thanks for running this piece, Newsweek.

  • Posted By: Kathy Sena @ 04/14/2009 1:43:29 PM

    This is one of the best essays I've seen in My Turn. It really touches my heart. To be able to write about something so tender in such a compelling way is a gift. I'm so happy to read Amy and Brandon's story here and I wish them a lifetime of happiness!

  • Posted By: bryanj62 @ 04/13/2009 7:23:55 PM

    This is one of the most touching stories I have read in years. It is nice to read a true life love story with a happy ending.

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