I Won’t Roll the Biological Dice

"But genetic testing showed that I have a 67 percent chance of passing on the illness"

Is there a genetic counselor out there who can give an example of how this is possible and/or explain how the math might work out to 67%?

I am raising my little girl to understand that motherhood is a choice, not an obligation. no one should feel they have to reproduce. I'll never ask her for grandchildren, but I will rejoice with her over every decision that brings her happiness.

I am raising my little girl to understand that motherhood is a choice, not an obligation. no one should feel they have to reproduce. I'll never ask her for grandchildren, but I will rejoice with her over every decision that brings her happiness.

Bravo to you. Life is full of choices and hard decisions. I applaud your digninty in the face of loss, and I think you are a shining example of how to accept reality with responsiblity, but also how to grieve the loss of control in things others take for granted. As my husband told me thorugh our own battle with infertility - "Sometimes you can't be the rock - sometimes you have to be the water."

I have chosen not to reproduce for the same reason. How could I ever look my ill child in the face knowing that I am directly responsible for their suffering because I had to fulfill my "need" to be a parent.

I also have chosen not to reproduce for the same reasons. How could I look my ill child in the face and know "That I did that, I and I alone are responsible for their suffering", through my own selfishness, of filling my "need" to be a parent.

If not having children is you decision than that is the last word on the issue, no one should have a problem with your personal choice. The prevailing approach in the U.S. is to reward the popping out of more service using progeny with removing the responsibility of having to pay the fair share of taxes and throws that burden of supplying schooling, school lunches, even social security based disability payments upon those who may not even have children, in truth simply unfair!

Personally I applaud your choice. I have known since I was a child that I had no interest in having kids, and fortunately I met a man that felt the same. I am a great aunt to my niece, and I love to spend time with her and hope that continues as she grows up, but everytime I send her home after a visit it reconfirms that I made the right choice for myself. I'm often amazed by the questions that I get when I say I'm not having children, and thoughtless comments like "well, your still young enough to change your mind" as though I've made a wrong decision... when someone says they are trying to get pregnent I've always had the urge to say "don't worry, you still have time to change your mind" just to see the reaction. I've always felt that if I had kids I would be missing out on so much else in life - travel, career, experiences, and as someone said in another post, it is one of the few things in life that once it's done, it's done - so unless you are 100% sure it''s the right thing it's just better not to go down that path.

Personally I applaud your choice. I have known since I was a child that I had no interest in having kids, and fortunately I met a man that felt the same. I am a great aunt to my niece, and I love to spend time with her and hope that continues as she grows up, but everytime I send her home after a visit it reconfirms that I made the right choice for myself. I'm often amazed by the questions that I get when I say I'm not having children, and thoughtless comments like "well, your still young enough to change your mind" as though I've made a wrong decision... when someone says they are trying to get pregnent I've always had the urge to say "don't worry, you still have time to change your mind" just to see the reaction. I've always felt that if I had kids I would be missing out on so much else in life - travel, career, experiences, and as someone said in another post, it is one of the few things in life that once it's done, it's done - so unless you are 100% sure it''s the right thing it's just better not to go down that path.

Why did the author decide to forgo other options such as adoption? At 38, she had several years with which to evaluate that course of action. It seems a bit selfish to suggest that if you cannot have your own biological child than your only other option is to not have any children. If you do not wish to have children, that is perfectly ok but do not state that it is because of your genetics. It is due to you choice, given the huge number of foster adoptions, domestic adoptions and international adoption alternatives and needs.

Dear Ms. Handler, thank you for your article. In a culture nearly everyone is crazy about having babies. how wonderful it is to hear your fresh idea.

I am especially impressed by your wisdom. I heard so many stories about infertile women who did everything to get pregnant, despite the fact that their infertility was caused by some genetic illness unrelated to the reproductive function. Often their children turn out to inherit the same illness. Some healthy infertile women went through very costly fertility treatment, only to have extreme premature babies. If we collect statistics, I suspect a lot of Americans with poor health today were premies resulted from fertility treatment. Through no fault of their own, they have contributed to the soaring cost of our health care.

I came from a poor family. My parents struggled constantly to provide for their six children. Stressed out by poverty, they quarrelled everyday. Disheartened by a home which was not much different from a battlefield, I dreamed about becoming an adult woman with good education, a good job, a refined, peaceful life, but no kids.

I succeeded. Better still, I have a wonderful husband who supported my idea of being child-free when we got married in 1980. A very intelligent thinker, he felt life is too much suffering and there was not much point to bring another life to the world to suffer. Not to mention we both are painfully aware of all the problems caused by world's over-population. We are very happy with our simple, healthy and active life. We have not regretted for being childless. Maybe we will, when we are 90, and bed-ridden with illness?

In 1980 there was a movement called Zero Population Growth. I don't know why suddenly it disappeared. Now everyone seems to think having as many children as possible is virtuous and politically correct. While everyone is talking about going green today, I don't understand why no one ever mentions that reducing the birth rate is the most effective way to be green.

I dont perceive your choice as selfish or wrong, i applaud you.

Jessica, it is your choice to make, and you do not owe anyone an explanation, but I appreciate your sharing your story with us, as it may help others in simular situations to make a tough decision. I understand and respect your decision. The best to you and your husband, enjoy your life, and if, in the future you should decide you really would like to have a child, adoption is always an option. Peace.

I read with great respect Jessica Handlers essay on choosing to not have children. My brother died shortly before his fourth birthday. The resulting horror cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced it themselves. I was blessed to have two surviving siblings, but loosing a child makes marriages crumble. The surviving children not only giieve their lost sibling, they long for a normalcy that will never return to their families.

When it came time to make decision about my own family, I compensated in a different way. I needed to have three children so if one ever died, their sibling wouldn't be left alone. My husband understood, and today we have three beautiful children who have all survived past the age my brother was when he was diagnosed with cancer. Amen.

I found your story relative to me, not because I don't have children, but because I have three children and my youngest daughter died when she was seven years old from brain cancer. (Her name was also Sarah.) A big part of my own grief is for my other two children. Like your parents, I never wanted my children to have this experience. I cried when you talked about your sisters because it is apparent that it is still painful and you miss them very much as well as the life you may have had if they had lived. My other children (son-16 & daughter-14) are doing OK. My 14 yr old daughter misses her sister very much and has already told me she isn't having children. I don't think she wants to risk living through it again. I don't blame her because I don't think I could live through it again with one of my grandchildren. I'm OK whatever her decision but I too will always miss the life that could have been had my youngest daughter lived. Thanks for sharing your story. Regardless of why a woman chooses not to have children, she should be praised for being responsible enough to think through what it means to bring another human into this world and see it to adulthood before getting pregnant. I love my children very much and knowing what I know, I would do it again. However, as much as you wonder about life with children, I wonder about life without children and what adventures I'm missing not being on my own. Life is full of experiences to be had and it just isn't possible to do all of them. Thanks for sharing your story. I will share it with my older daughter too.