I Won’t Roll the Biological Dice

I struggled between the notion that procreation is a necessity -- somehow a couple's requirement -- and the belief that what we think we need might well be the things we should know how to do without. "A man" and "being a mother" seem to be high on the list of women's needs when I was maturing, but while they filled a biological destiny, they did little else unless the woman had made the choices for herself, and not for societal conventions. I applaud your decisions; I expect you to be at least tolerant , if not supportive, of mine. Will we miss? Will we regret? Probably at times.. But when all is said and done, leading the life you truly, consciously chose in the midst of all that you have had no hand in choosing, is, to me the best life, the right life for you.

While I applaud your courage in making such a public statement about your decision to remain childless, I want to mention a choice that's not really discussed - adoption of older children. I adopted a 13 year old girls from Russia and a 10 year old boy from Kazakhstan. We have a very happy family. I'm not sure I would've done well with an infant, but my kids are perfect for me. There are some behavior challenges but nothing extraordinary. [I document us in The Crab Chronicles]. There are so many kids here and abroad who would welcome parents. It's such a shame older kids aren't given a chance at a loving home - less than 5% of all adoptions are of kids older than 2.

I did choose the mother path and i unfortuantely my son won the 'crappy genes' lottery. i don't regret my decision and am better for having him in our life but my heart breaks everytime a new neurological thing pops up and i face the reality that his being here should not be taken for granted. but I face ZERO judgement for someone who had the wisdom to make an informed decision of what was the right choice for them. I wish you nothing but the best! and i don't see your decision as selfish, more self-aware.

I'm more grateful than I can say that no one has ever harassed me or my husband about our choice not to have children. I think parenting is hard enough when you want kids; I think it would be impossible if you hadn't really wanted to be a parent. (I raised my little sister, so I know the rewards...but I also know the costs.)

It's a personal victory to recognize your fears, shortcomings, and desires. Good for you! You have your reasons for not wanting children. They are for no one to understand or accept other than you and your husband. If your decision makes you happy. Again, good for you!

Bravo ! You & and your husband's decision to not have children is commendable. Enjoy life, relatives & friends, (and pets, if you so choose).

I had a genetic form of cancer and have a 50% chance I would pass it down to my offspring. I understand where you are coming from and at times, do feel the same way. I do not have children but am still on the fence. I love my life as it exists and don't feel I have to live to some standard that our culture impresses on us. I agree that the cultural messages we receive on a daily basis about parenthood are unfair to some and often do not conform to reality. That being said, your tone seems overly fearful. This is understandable given what you went through as a child (as a teenager, I saw my father die a slow, painful death from the same disease that almost took my life 12 years later). People often say that parents replay their unresolved emotional issues through their children and their parenting. I feel that you are doing the same thing only instead you are doing it as a "non-parent". This issue is so strong in your heart and mind that you wrote an article about it newsweek. To be fair, that took a lot of courage, but I get the sense that this worry is something that is with you daily. Be careful lest your fears result in the thing that you most feared. That is, if you spend an inordinate amount of tiime thinking about something negative, you risk the possibility of that stress causing the very thing you most feared (i.e. the disease). I hope you stay well and continue to be strong in spite of the occassional insipid messages People and US Weeky broadcast. Personally, I feel that the world would be better off with a little less people.

The key to any decision made by anyone under any circumstances at any time is whether or not that individual can live with that choice. You made a choice based on your family history and the effect that it had on you. It may not have been a part of your process, but you also made a choice to avoid something that could easily have bankrupted you, financially and emotionally, with the latter being the more important. I understand, although I made the same decision for very different reasons, but some people may not understand it or may criticize you for it. If so, that's their problem and not yours. After all, there was only one responsible choice ot be made here, and you had the courage to make it.