Maternal Mirrors

Two new books look at the influence mothers have on their daughters' body image—and how women can instill confidence instead of insecurity.

By Barbara Kantrowitz and Pat Wingert | Newsweek Web Exclusive
May 6, 2009 | Updated: 3:51  p.m. ET May 6, 2009

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  • Posted By: centerforeatingdisorders @ 06/11/2009 2:28:35 PM

    Even though they may not realize, mothers play a huge role in their daughters' body image development, even before puberty. Think about all of the things a toddler sees you do and tries to emulate - funny faces you make, the way you eat your food or even those curse words you let slip. If she sees you criticizing your body, she'll grow to learn that she should be critical of her body too. We, at the Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt, recently wrote an entry with tips for helping your daughters learn to love their body, such as "Place value on talents, interests, and intellect instead of solely on physical appearance." You can find more tips at http://eatingdisorder.org/blog/2009/05/09/a-legacy-for-your-children/

  • Posted By: kshortSD @ 05/19/2009 3:22:24 PM

    When I heard my 5 year old niece complain that she needed to go on a diet, I knew her mother's negative body image was to blame. I am expecting a daughter later this year and truly hope that I can raise her to feel confident and comfortable with her body, but I know it won't be easy. I won't be able to control what she hears at school and what she sees in the media, but I can make sure I avoid negative comments at home. My husband and I are hoping that raising her in a healthy and active home will be enough.

  • Posted By: Libricrat @ 05/08/2009 11:13:18 AM

    I find this article interesting not only as a father and a husband but also as someone that admires bigger women and finds attitude above all else as the source of a womans beauty and attractiveness. I would probably believe as some do here that the fathers brothers uncles etc have as much if not more to do with esteem and physical self immage issuesl. Admittedly the typical magazine cover model proably would be favored by a pretty large cross section of men but what is not so widely know and WAY under reported is how many men DONT like frail toothpics in the media and DONT like to be told by the media what is beautiful. Women MUST try to understand that - there is someone out there for everyone and that there's plenty of guys out there that would like you for you (inside and out) - a big percentage of the population actually Prefers bigger real everyday women that are just themselves - and most important accepting and being happy with who you are (and what you look like) is the biggest turn on of all. Sexy really is at least 80% attitude. If you realize that you are beautiful and act beautiful - you WILL be beautiful.

    • Posted By: nimodahooligan @ 05/08/2009 1:49:06 PM

      love it.... spread that message around to more women... they need to hear that more...

  • Posted By: auntjenny @ 05/07/2009 10:53:30 AM

    You want to know who has more of an impact on your daughter's self image? HER FATHER. YOUR HUSBAND. Far and away, the things my father said about other women--including my mother, or me, or my sister-- impacted me more than anything my mother ever said. I learned, unfortunately, that women's bodies are always up for criticism, to be evaluated and discussed. You say this isn't another "blame mom" article...but it is. And it isn't mom's fault!

    • Posted By: SpiritMatter @ 05/07/2009 12:18:12 PM

      Humans have always been attracted to beauty. Even God seeks to have beauty around Him/Her. The physical temple in Israel and the future temple in the Kingdom of God will be constructed of precious jewels and silver and gold. Humans with physical defects or blemishes were not allowed to enter the temple area. Humans are always having contests to find the most beautiful object such as a flower, a jewel or a human's hair, voice, face, body, etc.. Beauty is a real characteristic and everyone has a legitimate right to their opinion about the relative beauty of anything including other humans.
      Men have a legitimate right to judge a girl's beauty and sexual attractiveness. For most men it is a primary factor in judging their suitability as a wife. Many girls marry to have children. Most men marry to achieve sexual satifaction. The value of a girl as a human is much greater than any value in her physical beauty or sexual attractiveness, but in past patriarchal societies, a girl's beauty could mean life or death. If a man rejected a girl after marriage and sent her away, it could be a death sentence for her and any children she had.
      Today, thankfully, a girl does not have to depend on any man's judgment of her beauty to survive. She can survive and thrive without a man's approval. Daughters should be taught by their fathers and mothers that they do not need the validation of anyone else to know that they are a precious human life of equal value as a human to any other human no matter how rich, powerful or beautiful the other person may be. Daughters should be taught to take care of and respect their bodies and minds. They should be taught to try to be the best they can be in health, appearance, character, career skills and general knowledge, understanding and wisdom. But the bottom line should be that their father and mother love them and approve of what ever their best is. This is the best path to a healthy, happy and successful female human.

      • Posted By: auntjenny @ 05/07/2009 3:47:00 PM

        Your comment "Men have a legitimate right to judge a girl's beauty and sexual attractiveness" is just plain frightening. I get the impression you are a conservative religious person. Most conservative religious people like to devalue women by focusing on biology. Women are human to, as human as men are. Andwhen father's make a point of commenting on women's appearances in front of their daughters-- i.e., "that woman is fat" or "I don't find that type of woman attractive" or "I prefer small breasted women" etc., then that's a problem. That's one reaosn why girls have the problems they have. Of course, people like you is another reason.

        • Posted By: nimodahooligan @ 05/08/2009 10:57:43 AM

          from a biological and genetic standpoint judging women, AND MEN, based on appearance and chemistry is how nature works. women arent always attracted to the skinny, pale faced, pimple ridden computer geek are they? some are of course but for the most part, no. are women falling head over heels for a man that weighs 600 pounds and can barely walk or take care of himself? sure he has a great personality, could be the sweetest man on earth, but when it comes down to passing on your genes and DNA 99% of women would rather mate with an average sized, average looking man (isnt this fun? all these wonderful double standards? dont EVER forget that men are just as self concious as women about they're appearance, and just because we dont wear makeup doesnt mean we dont go to great lengths at times to be attractive) . of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some thing that i am a VERY strong beleiver in. i also think ANY woman or ANY man can sweep ANY one of the opposite sex off they're feet, but not without alot of work and courting. its the mating game people, we see it in nature documentaries ALL THE TIME.... the males in just about any given species walk around and strut their stuff, fight for females, kill for females even....


          BOTH MEN AND WOMEN have legitimate rights to judge eachothers appearances, thats the first thing you see when you meet someone, how can you not judge them based on appearance? at least until you are able to delve into the mind of that person, that is all you have to go off of. its nature. and society has alot to do with it too obviously and the pressures we put on BOTH sexes.

          how do you think men feel when women gawk at male models or other "attractive" muscular men with perfect hair and bodies? do you think that we dont feel the need to look that way as well? lord knows i would love to have a rippling six pack, muscular legs and butt, big biceps and a god like tan.... but its not in the cards for me i guess, until i proactively work towards those ends.

          sexual attractiveness is HUGE in relationships. HUGE HUGE HUGE..... while at the same time being subjective to each individuals needs and wants. i have a really close female friend that thought she was utterly in love with me, she weighed about 350lbs. now, i really got to know her, and she really got to know me, but what kept me from pursuing her further was her weight. she laid around all day, ate terribly, never exercised ect... she was so completely self concious that she couldnt even wear a swimsuit in front of me....

          and ladies, trust me when i say this, your confidence is the biggest turn on you can have in your arsenal, above all the makeup and plastic surgery, expensive clothes and manicures. if you are confident in your body and mind regardless of what society wants you to be, you will find someone that will love you to the ends of the universe.

      • Posted By: jlavepoze @ 05/07/2009 4:29:51 PM

        Wow. First of all I find it interesting that you refer to women as "girls" and men as "men" . That is just one way you devalue women in your comment - by looking at them as children. Secondly, girls marry to have children - man marry to achieve sexual satisfaction? My husband and I must have something wrong with us becuase we marreid becauase we love and value eachother. Beauty is subjective and at different times differnt aspects were considered beautiful. At one time a heaftier woman would of been considered more beautiful becuse she would be more likely to survive pregnancy and life in general. One reason young girls have image problems is becuase they have to be concerned about how they look all the time. When girls are very young they do not worry about these things and are often happier and are able to keep up with the boys. As they "mature" and start worrying about thier apperance and what others think about them they start to dumb themselves down and spend more time trying to look pretty than smart so they don't intimadate boys. Perhaps we should focus on self esteeme instead of hair and makeup.

      • Posted By: jlavepoze @ 05/07/2009 4:27:26 PM

        Wow. First of all I find it interesting that you refer to women as "girls" and men as "men" . That is just one way you devalue women in your comment - by looking at them as children. Secondly, girls marry to have children - man marry to achieve sexual satisfaction? My husband and I must have something wrong with us becuase we marreid becauase we love and value eachother. Beauty is subjective and at different times differnt aspects were considered beautiful. At one time a heaftier woman would of been considered more beautiful becuse she would be more likely to survive pregnancy and life in general. One reason young girls have image problems is becuase they have to be concerned about how they look all the time. When girls are very young they do not worry about these things and are often happier and are able to keep up with the boys. As they "mature" and start worrying about thier apperance and what others think about them they start to dumb themselves down and spend more time trying to look pretty than smart so they don't intimadate boys. Perhaps we should focus on self esteeme instead of hair and makeup.

  • Posted By: mac101 @ 05/07/2009 12:43:24 PM

    Yes, girls will model themselves after their mothers. But many girls also get distorted ideas about body image from their fathers, step fathers, and the other adult males in their lives, particularly as girls approach puberty.

    One more time, a book that puts exaggerated emphasis on mothering and a diminished emphasis on fathering.

  • Posted By: SpiritMatter @ 05/07/2009 11:04:16 AM

    Truth is always better in the long run than deception and fantasy, even if the truth hurts. Too many adults, including parents, think that if they tell their children that they are perfect, beautiful and/or the best at basketball, soccer, singing, dancing, gymnastics, etc., the deception will help them succeed as adults. The fact is it sets them up for disappointment in the real world when others do not think they are so special. This does not mean that it is better to go too far into the negative in an inaccurate assessment of a child. The best solution is to not give your child a false assessment of perfection or imperfection. The child needs to know that they do not have to be perfect or the best to be accepted and loved. They should be encouraged to be the best they can be and whatever level that ends up being is perfectly acceptable.
    The truth about fat is that most Americans really are overweight. The benefit of telling people they are ok is out weighed by the costs. People who are over weight suffer a host of health problems and tend to die much younger. Studies have shown with mice, rats and chimps that a high nutrient, low calorie, active lifestyle allows one to live a significantly healthier longer life. You are not helping your child in the long run if you tell them they are not fat when they really do weigh more than is appropriate for optimum health. Do not guilt trip them without providing the encouragement of showing them that there is a way out of their problem and tell them you will help them be the best they can be which is all you really want for them. Truth told with love is always better than deception with love.

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