Mothering As A Spectator Sport

Americans are pretty obsessed with childhood and raising kids. I am from Honduras, both my parents worked as lawyers as I grew up and when I was 7 I was taking the bus-by myself- to visit my grandparents in a city 4 hours away. I think my parents are awesome and I grew up to be a cultured, independent young woman fluent in three languages.
It's time for parents to RELAX. I think it is hilarious- and scary- how one mom was telling her 11-year old daughter not to mind my language (I had said Goddarn it) while taking her into a tanning salon to tan in a high-risk cancer tanning bed. Nice.

In the early 1970's, our family (parents & six kids) lived in Tokyo, Japan. With all of us crammed into a less-than-American-sized station wagon, one can well imagine all the poking, fidgeting and arguing between the kids. My parents threatened time after time that if we didn't stop, so-and-so would be kicked out of the car and would have to "walk the rest of the way". Well, one day my dad had had enough. He stopped the car on the way home from church and banished my older brother (then 10) and sister (then 9) from the car and made them walk home. The rest of us kids were in shock. Dad really did it. Guess what ~ they both got home in one piece and had to make their peace on the way home (actually, they still don't get along, sad to say). Dad never had to make that threat again because we all learned the lesson that day.
I don't blame that mom ~ how much bickering between kids can a person take? Sometimes a hard lesson is the best one. Hope those two girls will rethink their behavior the next time their mom tells them to stop fighting.

Who's trying to scare us? Anyone who has something to sell, whether it's a home security system, prescription meds, or useless baby equipment. If people want to buy into the fear tactics and refuse to conduct any independant research, then they deserve the whiny, fearful people that their children become. I happily grew up in a home where I was expected to make decisions for myself and ask for help if I need it. No one hovered over me while I did my homework. My parents never chaperoned a school dance. I always knew they were there if I needed them, kids do need guidance and security, but I have become a fiercely independent person and will always be greatful for that. I plan to raise my own kid the same way.

I recently overheard a conversation at work in which I learned that the train system will not allow children on the train without addults--soecificly one adult for every two children. I was astounded. That would mean my mother could not have taken her three chiildren to visit their grandparents without another adult. Is this what our society has come to? Let alone a child on the subway! Everytime I get stuck behind a school bus, I see half the children at the bus stop accoompanied by a parent. This is plain ridiculous. No wonder employers are now complaining that parents are intercediing for their children at the child's workplace or accompanying them to job interviews. When I was growing up, my siblings and I took the train from Kansas City to Alexandria LA by ourselves on a regular basis. How on earth are children to learn independence if they are never given any????

Interesting article. I will be the first to admit when I read about you leaving your kid on the subway and whatnot I thought,"What is wrong with her? Doesn't she know that is dangerous!?"

But the more I read the more intrigued I became. Your theory makes sense really . However, I would go about it slightly different. Allow your children to have freedom to do whatever it is they want but do what my mother did and make them earn it. In other words if a kid wants to go to the movies and hang out with friends all night, tell them they have to clean their room and take out the garbage first. Compromise, enforce the rules and enforce punishment when the rules are broken.

As far as irrational fears go, I have to agree that we as a culture are battered with negative images and stories. The best remedy for this is to educate yourself about what is really going on. Another is to get involved. Worried that your neighborhoods might be lacking in safety? Start a neighborhood watch group and meet with local police. We should not shield our children from the world because we are unwilling to do anything to make it better.

Thank you, Lenore Skenazy for bringing some sanity into an INSANE world!!!

To all of those parents out there who believe that there is someone lurking in every corner just waiting for you to leave your child unattended many statistics show that children are usually kidnapped by someone they know, like a family member. For those out there talking about all the perverts, once again, statistics show that the perpetrator is usually someone you know, most likely a close family friend, neighbor or even family member. You cannot protect your children from everything. There can be some person lurking around the corner in your home ready to commit a heinous act. I am not condoing just letting your children roam free without any parental supervision but as one person stated in these posts, guide them in the right direction by letting them do things on their own and learning from their mistakes. Directing them and pulling them through every aspect of their life is not going to help them, if anything it is just going to make them inept and unable to judge a sitation themself. Instead everything is going to be dangerous and their life will be lived in a constant bubble of what if's.

I believe that children just like adults need free and/or alone time. They also need the freedom to learn to depend upon themselves. If parents start young and do it slowly and steadily, by the time these kids are adults, they have the skills and confidence they need to face the REAL world.

Parents today are quite afraid of DFACS taking their children from them more than they're afraid something would happen to the child. So to me that's why many parents denounce the FreeRangeKids movement.

Growing up in Chicago us neighborhood kids (age ten or less) used (with parental consent) public transportation to go downtown to the museums, Lake Michigan, and the like. We didn't have parental supervision, and no we weren't disruptive to others.

Parents today are quite afraid of DFACS taking their children from them more than they're afraid something would happen to the child. So to me that's why many parents denounce the FreeRangeKids movement.

Growing up in Chicago us neighborhood kids (age ten or less) used (with parental consent) public transportation to go downtown to the museums, Lake Michigan, and the like. We didn't have parental supervision, and no we weren't disruptive to others.

Hear, hear. I have been talking up this point since I was a kid in the 50's. I have watched as the "protect the little children" bunch have become ever more vocal and, thanks to world wide 24 hour media, more in our faces. I lament seeing kids growing up without ever having ridden their bikes to the corner store with a friend or sibling to buy and share a popsicle.

Teaching kids that there is a kidnapper hiding behind every bush waiting to carry them off is simply in its self bad parenting.

Great article, definitely raises a number of good points while encouraging discussion on the topic of parenting. I'm of the school of thought that you have to try and break everything down to it's simplest counterpart. Kids, while young, are a lot like raising any other young mammal. I've got a young puppy right now that is a holy terror to our carpets, but there isn't much we can do other than be patient, take it outside as much as possible while positively praising good behavior, teach it tricks as it gets old enough to understand whats going on, and to just hope for the best in the end. Obviously children are a little more complicated, but I'd like to think my two year old can eventually be left at home a lone without chewing on the couch and peeing on the remote control. :-)

The plan, I think, would have been for the two bickerers to look at each other, acknowledge the situation, and stop arguing long enough for mom to drive around the block and retrieve them. Instead, the older one apparently walked away while the younger one cried and drew the attention of passers-by. This changed the scene from family management to courtroom drama.

I believe that the media and corporate America play a large part in the way parents raise their children today. We are constantly being told that without the 'right' toys, activities and equipment our children are doomed to be failures. Of course, this is what corporate America wants us to believe, it's all about the profit, The same is true for the media. Sensationalize stories sell and with our 24/7 news media, they have no choice but to milk every child abduction, disappearance, neglect for all it's worth.

What is interesting to me, as a mom of a teenager, is how many parents wouldn't allow their children to sneeze without whisking them off to the doctors or allow them to go three houses down without an parental escort, suddenly decide that it's okay for their 15, 16, 17 year old child to drink alcohol. Because 'they need to learn to drink.' Those same parents often distribute the alcohol and then are baffled when a teen(s) in their community die of alcohol related accidents and incidents. There is a strange disconnect in this country. I suspect because alcohol is so widely used and abused by so many adults, there is a feeling that it's okay. But riding a subway at a reasonable age is not!

Never underestimate the power of denial.

Ditto to good strong common - though rare - sense!