5. Cutting through all the nonsense masquerading as news is a perfect job for snark. Did Michael have a will? What will happen to the children? What was the state of MJ's finances? Did Jackson's personal physician do something wrong? Nobody seems to have any answers to these questions but that doesn't stop people from asking them over and over again and throwing in some scurilous conjecture too boot.

6. Why do I have to stay quiet through all the conspiracy theories? They are just getting started and are only going to get more ridiculous: Michael was afraid of death. Michael was in love with death. He was obsessed with death. Michael was afraid he'd go out like Presley. He was murdered. He killed himself. He faked his death. Michael was afraid he'd go out like James Brown. People wanted him dead for his Beatles catalog. People wanted him dead because he owed money. I predict we're about 24 hours from an Olsen twins and/or zombie connection. Is it really that hard for us to accept that he may have simply died from the cumulative effects of years and years of drug abuse? Is there no snarkish curiosity about why opiates are the drug of choice for those singers ill-equipped to handle to relieve the crushing pressure of fame and the dealers (I mean, doctors) who supply them? Well, there should be. Making this about murder or zombies just obscures Jackson's alleged addictions and the conversation about them that might actually help people!

7. And please don't tell me that I have sit quiet and snarkless while Patti Regan, the head of the Great Apes Sanctuary (where Bubbles, beloved pet monkey to Michael, lives) says things like this to People magazine; "We haven't said anything to him [Bubbles] yet, He's been his usual self, interacting with friends, eating well, taking cover when it rains."

Days and hours of watching opportunists and talking heads gorge themselves on custody battles, conspiracy theories, and dueling autopsies is going to make me sick, My only prayer is that a consensus on the funeral plans is reached as soon as possible. Though of course, watch out for some drama. Rudy Clay, the mayor of Gary, Indiana (Jackson's hometown) wants Michael to be buried there. It would be "a memorial that's fit for the prince of peace and a memorial that's fit for Gary, Indiana's favorite son, the greatest entertainer that ever lived," Clay said. Isn't Jesus the Prince of Peace? You see? Snark is crucial when people are losing all sense of proportion and context. Remember when poor Anna Nicole Smith's body sat in a deep freeze while her friends and family sued each other over the burial plans? If I have to be earnest and respectful of people's grief throughout that, my head might explode.

© 2009