My almost mil, does hurtful things to my kids.
I have been in a relationship for 5 years,they have been the best 5 yrs of mine and my childrens life. WE have custody of his kids,due to the fact their mother choose to use drugs around them,sell all their belongings,she has supervised visits,that she doesn't come to.The boys have not seen or heard from her in 6 mo. My children and I live in a very abusive home for the better part of 4 yrs....We all get along well for being a blended family. We have the same views on very aspect of rearing the children.......We as adults seat down and talk about any differences and we compermise.
Our problem is his Mother, At first I wanted greatly to be acepted,be apart of a family to which I never had as a child. Now, I don't want to even hear her voice. She has done so many things,And bf is standing up for us on every level,with no hope of anything changing.His mother has bought his boys and herself a shake in front of my kids,drank it in front of them,not offering them one(she has enough money)One year, She openly gave bf kids special Halloween treat bags with their name on them,and my kids got one tiny candy bar. So, I told bf how upset I was that she would do such a thing, He told her she needed be fair. So next Halloween she made bags for all of them,but as soon as bf walk into the kitchen out of site,she looked right at me and reached into the bowl of candy and added a big handful of candy to bf kids bag.Our kids B-days are days apart, My kids 9 yr. is first,he may get a card with $5 in it,or he may not get anything. Then it's bf 9yr. and she gets him 5 shirts,5 pants, socks.ect. 3-4 toys and money in his card......Repeat for the next my 2nd child, Then its bf 2 child, he get the same as the first,however the 9yr. always gets just as much as the 12yr. So, I tell bf 9yr old shouldn't get things on his brothers b-day,thats his special day..........So he tells her,bf 12yr next b-day she trys to sneek it to the 9 yr. I'm in the hallway of our home,coming out of my bedroom as the 9yr old is climbing our stairs with a bag in his hands,Me thinking its the 12yr olds b-day present,I say you can wrap that in my room. The 9 yr old looks at me,then at her. So I say,It's not a b-day present She shakes her head.But the worst part of it is she was moving side way as the 9 yr was going up the stairs to hide my view of him...... I am so over trying to be accepted and so tired of telling my kids that some people are just like that,that we can't change them,the only thing we can do is to make sure we never treat anyone in this way.
- 1
- 2
What? You Don’t Love Your Mother-In-Law?
Email To A Friend
Please fill in the following information and we'll email this link.
The Five Biggest Mistakes Mothers-in-Law Make:
1) Assuming your daughter-in-law wants your advice. Most don't want to hear "This is what I did so this is what you should do," says Apter.
2) Thinking the mother-son relationship will not change after his marriage. Instead, says Apter, "mothers should assume that they will need to negotiate" a new way of communicating with their sons. "Mothers have to find a new mode of asking for their son's help or giving him advice and getting access to him," Apter said.
3) Offering to help out with housework or disciplining the children. "Offers to help are often perceived as criticism," Apter said. "Walking into the house and saying, 'Let me iron my son's shirts for you,' implies to the daughter-in-law that you think that's her role, and she may bristle at that notion."
4) Trying too hard to be nice. "Some women are so worried about being perceived as an awful mother-in-law that they are too polite, they never say anything spontaneous, and that can put a real strain on the relationship," says Apter. "You shouldn't act as if you're worried that any disagreement could make the whole relationship fall apart."
5) Criticizing your daughter-in-law to your son. "This should be obvious but it's worth highlighting how damaging this is, because the son is very likely to bring up the topic with his wife," says Apter. Not only is she likely to get mad at the mother-in-law ("Why didn't she tell me to my face!?!"), she'll probably feel resentful toward her husband as well ("Why are you bringing this up to me? You're supposed to be on my side!"). "It just makes things worse," said Apter. "It's better to talk to your son and daughter-in-law together."
The Five Biggest Mistakes Daughters-in-Law Make:
1) Being thin-skinned. "Don't take offense at little things that aren't meant personally," says Apter. Daughters-in-law can be very sensitive to anything their mothers-in-law say about the appearance of the house or the behavior of the children, Apter said. "Daughters-in-law expect their mothers-in law to be critical and they tend to take offense too easily."
2) Taking a confrontational stand too quickly. If your mother-in-law expresses a view that differs from yours, you don't have to get your back up about it, Apter says. "You can just say, 'That's interesting, and I'm glad that worked for you, but I think I'd like to try it this way.' You can show respect for someone else's experience while still making it clear that you want to do things your own way."
3) Expecting equal treatment. "Don't expect your mother-in-law to care as much about your career and your potential as she does about her son's," Apter said. "It's not that she is incapable of valuing a woman's career, but she is his mother, and her son will always come first to her. It really helps if you expect that and try to see it from her point of view."
4) Letting things slide at the start. If you find that your mother-in-law is interfering too much, or visiting too often, or offering too much advice, don't put off talking to her about it, says Apter. "It is much better to start out by setting limits. Otherwise, bad habits become quickly ingrained. If a mother-in-law is good at manipulating things, once she succeeds at it, it's hard to change things later."
5) Failing to put yourself in her shoes. A mother-in-law is more likely to respect boundaries if she is reassured that she will continue to be a respected and important part of the family, and that you will make an effort to include her in your family's life.
© 2009
- 1
- 2
My Take
Each Newsweek reader is different—and now your Newsweek can be, too. Use this page to create a experience that's personalized for you and your interests. My Take: it makes Newsweek whatever you want it to be.
Discuss