Comic Relief

You know the kind of comedian who takes himself so seriously he won't even smile out of character? The five performers at our annual Emmy Roundtable were—bless them—nothing like that. We asked them to wear pajamas for a curl-up-by-the-TV photo, and Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) even slipped on a pair of red fluffy slippers. "I thought of wearing a really filthy shirt," said Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), but Toni Collette (United States of Tara) went him one better—she posed with a blow-up doll. "I love saying, 'Toni! Hey, Toni!' It feels good,' " said Amy Poehler (Saturday Night Live), like some demented Valentino. They even found a way to have fun with plain old water. When one actor would say something especially funny during our conversation, Sarah Silverman (The Sarah Silverman Program) would slide over a bottle of Arrowhead like a liquid trophy—or, in the case of Parsons's dreary soliloquy about cell phones (don't ask), she took his away. So remember, future Emmy winners: if you deliver a subhumorous acceptance speech, Silverman might well come after your little gold statue, too. (Article continued below...)

Does anybody at this table actually have an Emmy?
[Silence]
CRYER: Hmmm. A curious paucity of Emmys here.
POEHLER: I won a High Times Stony Award.

What's that?
POEHLER: For best stoner comedian.
CRYER: Really? I wasn't aware you were a stoner comedian.
COLLETTE: Were you stoned, or were the people stoned who enjoy your comedy?
POEHLER: I like to think it's a little bit of both. High Times gives a very important award out every year. When I received it, it was a golden bong.
CRYER: Ok. Usable?
POEHLER: Yeah, I believe so.
CRYER: Nice.
POEHLER: Here's a question: how can you make the Emmys shorter but better? Like, what would you cut out of the Emmys show?

All the awards for 30 Rock.
CRYER: Wow. OK.
SILVERMAN: What if when we're announced, we all put on mustaches, so when they cut to us, we're all really -serious.
COLLETTE: I'll do it with you.
POEHLER: That would be the kind of thing where I'd bring all the mustaches, and I'd be the only one to do it.
CRYER: Well, I've decided that, if in fact I don't win this year, I'm gonna lose my s--t and beat the s--t out of somebody sitting close to me. Not my wife. Probably someone elderly or infirm. You can have a countdown clock going through the first few awards, going, "Who will Jon kick the s--t out of?" I'd watch that show!
SILVERMAN: We should all be reading The Bridges of Madison County when they call us up.
CRYER: And pretend that we got surprised by it.
POEHLER: When people do bits when they lose, it makes me laugh so f--king hard. When the camera's on them, and they're like, "NOOOOOO," that makes me laugh so hard.

You guys are all comedians in one form or another, but people often forget that comedy is really hard. What makes a funny person funny?
COLLETTE: Hair.
POEHLER: Funny hair, funky hat, crazy jeans, kneepads, elbow pads.
CRYER: Homer Simpson slippers. They have to have a personality that is like a crockpot of a certain amount of pain with a certain amount of release, with an ironic release, if that makes any sense. A human crockpot that's leaky. A leaky human crockpot!
POEHLER: Yeah, that's good.
PARSONS: That's impossible. Everybody that's funny, somebody thinks they're not funny. Somebody hates me. I don't know who, but somebody does. I'm not a virgin to being disliked anymore.
SILVERMAN: [Singing] Somebody out there hates me!
CRYER: I was actually in a line once waiting to see a movie—this was back when I was still making movies—and somebody said, "Oh, are you going to see that Jon Cryer movie?" And the person opposite said, "No, I hate that guy!"
POEHLER: Were you the person who said that?
CRYER: That's the sad part. I hate myself. The human crockpot returns.

Have any of you actually been to an acting class?
SILVERMAN: I have.
POEHLER: What was that like?
SILVERMAN: I got so frustrated. I feel like I feel so deeply, I feel so much, but I can't tap into it super-easily. But then there'll be a girl who just lives on the surface and she'll do a sob scene, and I asked, "What were you thinking of?" And she said, "My dog." I have so much inside me. Why can't I access it so easily like these people that are …
CRYER: Idiots?
SILVERMAN: There are people who are genuinely amazing actors who are truly empty vessels that great acting comes through. I don't think that can happen necessarily with comedy. Wait—that's obnoxious. I mean, there are a lot of dumb comedians. I'm a dumb comedian.
PARSONS: I really loved school, by the way. If they offered a doctorate in acting, I'd still be there. It was so safe! I went to grad school. I kept going as long as they'd have me. And you frequently would surprise yourself by what you were capable of, and you were not surprised by some things. I knew I couldn't play Stanley in Streetcar.
POEHLER: I've always disagreed with you about that.
PARSONS: Thank you. You are my Blanche.
SILVERMAN: You are such a good boy, and I love the shape of your head.
PARSONS: Thank you.

Jim, did you get good grades?
PARSONS: I got good grades after I started doing theater. I had one F in meteorology.
POEHLER: Oh, no! In meteorology.
PARSONS: I wanted to be a weatherman for a while. When I was in college, I had to take a science class, and I thought, well, you love hurricanes. I loved the drama of it. But there was a lot going on in my life then, and I would show up to class and be shocked that they were taking a test. I couldn't believe it. They'd bring out calculators, and I thought, what do we need a calculator for? And I failed. It was the only F I ever got.
POEHLER: That's nice that you liked the drama of hurricanes but not the science.

You were in a string of failed pilots before The Big Bang Theory . Did any of you ever have a backup career?
PARSONS: No.
SILVERMAN: I think I would—I've really thought about this—if I had to do something else, I would work with retarded adults. Not funny, just true.
CRYER: Maybe you already do?
SILVERMAN: I do in another way. I really enjoyed being with retarded adults, and probably kids too.
PARSONS: When have you experienced that?
SILVERMAN: There was this guy who was always at Caroline's named Ronnie, and he was retarded and he would always come up to me after the show and be like, "You've got something, and I'd like to work with you." I sponsored him a couple times at the Special Olympics. You know when a friendship is defined by other people? I'm Jewish and I grew up in New Hampshire—there was nothing Jewish about us. I felt Jewish because I was the kid with hairy arms. What's my point? Omigod, I just went 1,000 steps the other way.
CRYER: I didn't know hairy arms was a sign of Judaism.
SILVERMAN: It is.
POEHLER: All I know about Jewish people is from Inglourious Basterds.
SILVERMAN: I had a friend who said, "I learned about the Holocaust from your act." She never knew about the Holocaust.
POEHLER: Was she in a coma? Was she, like, in The Matrix?