Fall TV Preview: EHarmony Edition

It would seem that these tough, uncertain times would be the perfect environment in which to debut escapist shows, but in fact it's been just the opposite. The new fall television slate—the most robust since the Hollywood writers' strike derailed the industry—is deeply rooted in what's going on right now, our anxiety, our fear, our toil. Last fall, the CW debuted the short-lived (and underrated) Privileged, a comedy about a young woman whisked, almost magically, from her life as a lower Manhattan plebe to a luxurious mansion in Palm Beach, where she serves as a live-in tutor for a rich family. Did I mention it was short-lived? The 2007 and 2008 shows that rooted themselves in trashy opulence (Dirty Sexy Money, Cane) or quirky otherworldliness (Pushing Daisies) are off the air, quality be damned.

But that's not to say there isn't still some classic wish-fulfillment to be found, you just have to look for it. Let's go beyond whether or not the new shows are good or bad—if "good" was your only requirement your TiVo would already be stretched thin. Let's talk about if you need them in your life. Are they going to make you feel good? Are they going to reward your time? Do they dovetail with your view of the world? In The Middle, an ABC comedy, Patricia Heaton plays a mother of three who works as a car saleswoman. "I like to think of myself as a matchmaker," she says to her potential buyers. I, too, think of myself as a matchmaker between people and television shows. Take the short quiz that follows to determine your type, and the results will give you the new shows you should be watching. It's just like eHarmony, except it's free and your soulmate won't dump you—unless of course, your show gets canceled.

1. I would better enjoy my workplace if it included more:
A. Flirtatious, rakish copy boys
B. Hijinks stemming from co-workers misinterpreting words like "briefs" and "dictation"
C. Quidditch matches
D. Autopsy photos

2. I would most enjoy taking a cross-country road trip with:
A. Julia Roberts
B. Molly Shannon
C. Zooey Deschanel
D. Steve Buscemi

3. Which of the following catchphrases are you most likely to reference:
A. "McDreamy"
B. "What's on my mind grapes?"
C. "Are you trying to glamour me?"
D. "I got that pandemic!"

4. If there were to be a holiday-themed episode of your favorite show, you would probably most enjoy:
A. A Valentine's Day episode
B. An April Fool's Day episode
C. A Winter Solstice episode
D. None of the above

5. If you fell asleep while you favorite show was on, what would it cause you to dream about?
A. An incident in which you and an attractive yet initially abrasive stranger hail the same cab, then agree to share
B. An incident in which you accidentally invite two friends of yours, who were a couple prior to an ugly breakup, to have dinner with you at adjacent restaurants on the same night
C. An incident in which the magical amulet that landed you your longtime crush falls into the hands of your romantic rival
D. An incident in which a boorish rapper named Wayne South interrupts the award-acceptance speech of a young starlet … then turns up dead, leaving her the only suspect

Instructions for scoring:
For every A answer, give yourself two points. For every B, give yourself three points. For every C answer, give yourself four points. For every D answer, give yourself five points.

Now here are the results:

10 to 12 points: The Hopeless Romantic
You truly believe that love conquers all, and you like your television to have lots of romantic entanglements. Here are the shows I'd like to fix you up with:

Accidentally on Purpose, Mondays at 8:30 p.m. ET on CBS (begins Sept. 21)
Why yes, it does sound a lot like the popular film Knocked Up. Jenna Elfman stars as Billie, a film critic who has a one-night stand with a younger guy (Jon Foster) and winds up pregnant. Grant Show also stars as Billie's boss James, whom she recently broke up with. I see a love triangle in Billie's future.