The Pursuit of Sexual Happiness

What turns women on has long been an elusive question. The authors of a new book hope that understanding why women have sex in the first place could go a long way toward answering it.

By Jessica Bennett | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Sep 28, 2009

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  • Posted By: yvonnemari @ 10/12/2009 8:34:06 AM

    I think women still tend to subvert their sexual needs in favor of marrying for money, position, power, etc. The answers in this survey did nothing to dispell that concept.

    It is little wonder when you marry the "right" guy that he is not really the one you want to have sex with (you find him attractive enough but he doesn't light your fire), and why so many middle aged women aren't getting what they want out of sex (they are just at the age when they released what they bargained for).

    It is not unlike the very prudent but financially disasterous decision many women make to delay career advancement for children (preferring part-time or lower paying jobs with more flexibility). It is little wonder that women make less than men doing the same work when they give up so much to attain another goal. I think they do the same with their needs and sexuality (trade it off for security and stability).

    I think you'll find happier women and better sex lives in those who married/hooked up for less material reasons.

    I am BTW happily married to a wonderfully attractive man with whom I'd love to boff til the day he dies, who makes a 1/3 of my income, and who has decided to finally forgo some career goals to raise my family (but I am 40+ and have 20+ years in my field)...JIC there were any questions...;-)

    • Posted By: wilmingtongirl @ 10/14/2009 2:36:24 PM

      Women have all kinds of reasons for marrying (as do men). As well, they have their own reasons for how they balance career and family life. Although, you seem to have made all the RIGHT choices as opposed to those poor women beneath you who are making 'disastrous' decisions. Good for you. A powerful woman comes from the heart and she doesnt need to boast.

  • Posted By: jupmod @ 10/12/2009 11:01:35 AM

    Wow. An entire article regarding the complexities of women sex, and it's clear in one part of the article that a majority have sex mostly for pleasure and emotional connections, like most men do as well. This is nothing new given for hundreds of years, sex is mostly viewed and used for pleasure or reproduction and very rarely used for any other purpose.

  • Posted By: californiacatlover @ 10/08/2009 4:26:27 PM

    I think that men are dogs.

    • Posted By: Tieger plumbing @ 10/10/2009 12:08:42 PM

  • Posted By: Tieger plumbing @ 10/10/2009 12:07:12 PM

    When I was 17 -21 years old in the navy I had relations with over 87 women all but three were married. I think women like sex but are taught to hold back from their spouses so they feel they are more lady like and let go totally when with someone else.

    If men are dogs then that must mean all those fine women were cats on the prowl?

  • Posted By: PLKanter @ 09/30/2009 6:23:39 PM

    This is an interesting article about women and sexuality.
    However, I think it is badly written. The sentence:
    (Physical pleasure and attraction, say the authors, are still the most common reasons women say they have sex.)
    is buried at the end of paragraph 5.
    That should be at the start of a paragraph. Especially if you assume that many readers will not know that fact.
    Good article about a good book. But don't bury an important piece of imformation about women's sexuality like that. It's not tabaoo anymore after how many seasons of Sex and the City. And it's an important fact. Men might miss it when they are reading the article and assume that women don't have sex for pleasure at all.

    • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 6:01:12 PM

      I think you missed the purpose of the study. Female attraction has more to do with a mate's wealth and status than his body. The most handsome man in the world becomes unattractive wearing a Burger King cashier cap to women (physical traits vs. income) and women would rather date a store manager than a plumbing company manager (social standing vs. similar income) . Thus, female sex generally has to do with climbing the socioeconomic ladder, or marrying up. A woman's equal is a man with greater income, greater social standing, and even greater height.

      • Posted By: not-fooled-by-slick-talking-charlatans @ 10/06/2009 3:09:33 PM

        I disagree with this observation. I am a woman who has actively dated both men and women over the past 25 years. I will tell you that women are (physically) attracted to the face (head). A woman will commonly forgive a skinny or flabby body, a bucket of a car (or no car), a fast food worker, or any other less than desirable features if the person she is attracted to has an attractive face. Could be kind eyes, straight nose, bright smile, or a nice hairstyle. Men, on the other hand are (physically) attracted to the body. A man will commonly forgive less flattering facial features, career status, or other social status indicators if she has the body type he prefers.

        • Posted By: Alvy @ 10/08/2009 11:08:51 AM

          I have to agree with you. One has to assume that the reason they have sex with a "face" is because the face does it for them. It arouses.

          Money is not a reason for sex; sex is the reason for keeping the money. Collateral submission if you will. I don't know if money in and of itself arouses, but I would hope not.

  • Posted By: andrologist @ 10/07/2009 1:17:29 PM

    Cindy Meston and David Buss have set out to scientifically study beliefs that have never been substantiated, and this is a great start, but I'd concur with Julia Heiman that more needs to be done before we can draw definitive conclusions. [Sudhakar Krishnamurti - www.andrology.com]

  • Posted By: andrologist @ 10/07/2009 1:16:12 PM

    Cindy Meston and David Buss have set out to scientifically study beliefs that have never been substantiated, and this is a great start, but I'd concur with Julia Heiman that more needs to be done before we can draw definitive conclusions. [Sudhakar Krishnamurti - www.andrology.com]

  • Posted By: care-yourself.com @ 10/06/2009 11:45:35 AM

    Read more about woman health here - http://care-yourself.com/order_women___s_health_en-us.html

  • Posted By: jonbradley @ 10/05/2009 10:29:32 AM

    Yes, women have sex to get what they want???and they're not always timid about it. Sometimes they do it for the emotional connection, but other times they simply want the release. (Physical pleasure and attraction, say the authors, are still the most common reasons women say they have sex.) Women are not always pure, not always transparent???and that's OK.

    Ah, the old double standard. It men use the power they have it controlling, manipulative, even harassment, but its ok for women?????

  • Posted By: Savedge @ 10/03/2009 12:10:24 PM

    Interesting article. This statement from the researcher REALLY offends me: "But what shocked me was the sheer complexity of women's psychology." REALLY? Women are complex - and this was "shocking"? :-P And you needed to research this for 5 years to figure it out?

  • Posted By: poeticfingers @ 10/04/2009 9:01:52 PM

    84% say they have sex "to keep the peace". That's a lot of women having sex out of obligation. Sign me up!

  • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/02/2009 5:36:26 PM

    From the responses on the board, there's little doubt that women are upset when their behavior can be quantified. These are the same mystic and complex creatures that utter destiny and choice in the same sentence. Men seem much more interested in models of their own behavior. Perhaps the culture around the female human's evolutionary feature of disguising ovulation (even from themselves) is a fundamental building block of feminine deception. They really just don't want anyone to be judged for their preference to choose doctors over plumbers (i.e. I like the materials/lifestyle he provides) . Men will readily admit their preference (actually libidinous slavery) of younger, prettier women.

  • Posted By: Repubnomas @ 10/01/2009 11:31:57 PM

    I get letters.
    I forgot to mention, bright red, lipstick red, lipstick lips. Open. Drooling.
    How do I know her hair color? Check the eyebrow and the side bar.

    And, what do I know from blond(e)? I am a Latino who loves a Latina and never dated a white girl. Never even wanted to (well, Tuesday Weld was hot on Dobie Gillis, but...).

    So, for all you blond(e)s who have been confused by my gender-mixed spelling. I get it.

    Blonde.

    Just another way NEWSWEEK educates the brown masses.

  • Posted By: Repubnomas @ 10/01/2009 11:05:47 PM

    Just checked on the sexy (white) blond (if I may say so) as I was passing out the front door. Ah... lips parted, drool running off her mouth, eyes closed, head tilted allll the way back.

    Is this a white girl in ecstasy? Can I say it here? Is she having an .... orgasm?
    This is classy stuff, eh?

    All the spit fit to print, and then some.

    News, features, human interest, and just a whiff of your favorite (white female) cheese, that's the new NEWSWEEK!

  • Posted By: Repubnomas @ 10/01/2009 10:56:04 PM

    Torture, rape, bondage, cheesecake, kidnapping and imprisonment of innocents, all help Mr. Meacham sell his war.
    And when white girls are involved it is bonus round.

    Note how many stories of same are in every issue. Brown people and males in these straits, or otherwise cheesed up, get short shrift when it comes to the really juicy-prurient feature stories. All well and good for the biz, but that's not what feeds the proverbial bulldog, is it now? Red and yellow(?), black, all right! If you're going to strut it, it must be white! Yes, Virginia, it is white people, white women, and white girls, in descending order, that put the jingle in Mr. Meacham's pocket.

    So this week is a shower of blessings for Mr. Meacham and gang. We have Jaycee Dugard, we've got Elizabeth Smart, we got a little girl raped by an old man up at Jack Nicholson's place.
    We have girls getting underwear stolen in Utah (white girl heaven for the "news" business). And we have some brown woman getting whipped for having bad thoughts somewhere "over there"... She may make the back of the book, way back by George Will, but you can bet the store that Mr. Meacham will have the white girls up front, just like in the office.

    So what was the question of this very serious article? Oh, yeah. What turns women on? That's it. The one with the blond white girl up front. yeah.

    News.

  • Posted By: Repubnomas @ 10/01/2009 8:42:30 PM

    If you want to know what NW loves, what floats its little boat, just read and weep.

    It is always about rape, is it not? Rape sells tabloids. Rape sells slicko mags too.

    Even with a "serious" and "straight" article like this with SEX in the lede every which way and "What turns women on" splashed on the mat, we can't talk about real stuff, or love or literature. OMG no!

    But the rape posts abound and abide! See, the stories about young white girls raped sell...
    A post from a woman who holds her head high and talks of vaginal empowerment gets douched.

    These creeps talk about sex in the most moronic way, but that's OK.

    If I worked for such an empty facade I would feel nothing but shame.

    But... if I were an airhead on the rise... a six figure salary might change my mind. I like to dress well.

    If it takes selling rape and dumbing way down to pay my bills... well who the funk really cares?

    Shame.

  • Posted By: lara234 @ 09/29/2009 3:51:30 PM

    Can I use this book as an excuse to my boyfriend as why I cheated on him?????

    • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 09/29/2009 5:03:05 PM

      Because it's in your nature? Sure, if he can use a book on his nature (_A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion _) to justify his inability to suppress behaviors that are not wanted by you.

      • Posted By: stargazer22 @ 09/29/2009 5:40:17 PM

        Seems to me, Ian, that reading books like that is part of the reason you hate women so much...

        • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 09/29/2009 6:44:00 PM

          No. I read that book to educate myself on an evolutionary biologists perspective instead of the typical social reconstructionist arguments from the feminist ideologists that force their ideas with *no* evidence. Every thinking feminist should read that book as well instead of judging the book by its cover.

          Rape is about forced reproduction - a man's circumvention of the woman's highly restrictve mate selection process. It is not about an act only of power (a man using his tool to further the repressive ideologies of the patriarchy).

          • Posted By: mac101 @ 09/30/2009 8:23:28 PM

            Rape doesn't just happen to women by men, and rape is not about forced reproduction or perpetuating the patriarchy, or any other evolutionary or biological nonsense. Rape is learned behavior. Power and humiliation are the reasons why rape occurs between men in prisons, why it occurs as a deliberate tactic during wars, and it is why men rape women.

            Rape is about power and humiliation, period. Most men don't have a need to demonstrate their power over others less powerful, and most men don't need to humiliate others. A small minority of men are violent, and violent men rape because they can.


            • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 7:24:42 PM

              If, as you say, rape is a learned behavior, if we assume that every human behavior is a product of the environment and thus learned, then the distaste for being raped must also be learned. So, who is teaching both sides? Do you believe that if women aren't taught to dislike rape, then they would like it if they weren't taught?

              I don't believe that either behavior is learned or trained. We are treading on instinct.

            • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 7:20:17 PM

              "Rape is learned behavior."

              Where is this behavior taught? College 101? How can an American man possibly learn this?

              We no longer believe that this is learned behavior are more interested in the biological causes. This is as worthy of study and discussion as any other behavioral or instinctual issue.

              Given the taboo nature of even talking about rape as anything but an implement of patriarchical control ('"rape is about power" - Feminist A), I find myself needing to conclue every post with "I do not condone rape. Men are more interested in studying and understanding this behavior."

            • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 3:08:00 PM

              "Rape is about power and humiliation, period"

              No, this is completely wrong. Men are sick of the unfounded conclusions of feminist authors. There is little reason to look to an artificial situation such as prison for a general model of male sexual behavior.

          • Posted By: stargazer22 @ 09/30/2009 12:50:11 AM

            Try telling that to a jury...with any luck, someday soon one of your poor rape victims will render you neutral....

            • Posted By: mgoodm @ 09/30/2009 1:34:20 AM

              So have you ever been raped?!

              • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 09/30/2009 12:32:42 PM

                Do you have a problem with studying and understanding the causes of rape? Current feminist ideology places the blame for rape on a single factor: the Patriarchy (aka Phallocracy as written in the works of Mary Daly). That conclusion has been forced upon us without any study of analysis of rape data. After hearing that crap for years, it's time to offer a better explanation for rape.

                I am not in any way promoting rape with my statements. Reread what I've written.

                • Posted By: Newton50 @ 09/30/2009 7:18:20 PM

                  Another point to back up Ians explanatory framework here. Rape is often committed by the most powerless of men in society, not those dominating a "phallocentric" heirarchy. Those at the top of the phallocentric heirarchy have all the women (and therefore opportunities for reproduction) they want.

                  • Posted By: boys are simple minded toys @ 09/30/2009 9:45:24 PM

                    Newton50, after having ready your poorly written posts on here.. it's obvious that you and Ian are perfect for each other. I know it's hard to accept reality, especially for you, but... that doesn't really matter since YOU don't really matter. You're secondary, if that. The sooner you accept your 'place' in life, the easier it just might get for you. Poor you... yet, amusing.
                    Ciao...

                    • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 3:04:00 PM

                      Newton50's posts are well-written. He includes specific opinions in his posts to communicate information in stark contrast to the content-free, cliched, name-calling personal posts written by "boys are simpled minded toys" and stargazer22. In fact, the posts by "boys are simpled minded toys " and stargazer22 do not pass discussion forum guidelines, but we like them because they spark debate.

                      Rape is violence used to get sex, much like violence to seize fortune aka robbery. That is our message. Feminists have seized upon rape as the universal tool of female oppression arguing that rape has *nothing* to do with sexual desire or instinctual sexual motive. Come on, men. Do you really believe that?

                      Let's deconstruct that by example:

                      1) Date rape
                      A man and woman (any socioeconomic status) place themselves in an intimate situation that is conducive to sex. At some point during their physical intimacy, often when genitals are touching or exposed or have been fondled, the woman decides that she doesn't want to have sex anymore. The man continues to desire to proceed to sexual intercourse. So, at that point, does the man's motives instantly change from wanting sex to oppressing women as an obedient member of the patriarchy?

                      2) Rape is not sex because sometimes pre-pubescent or post-menopausal (infertile) females are involved

                      So, is consensual sex with post-menopausal women not sex? Given that the average age of rape victims is 24, rape victims are targeted by age of fertility more so than vulnerability.

                      3) Rape is encouraged and taught to men

                      I can't remember a single message told to me by a person that rape is a desirable behavior. I know that a rapist, if convicted, will go to jail. In the past, he would be hurt by family members of the female rape victim. I know that even if falsely accused of rape, my life will be permanently altered in a very negative way. So, I don't even get close to a rape situation.

                      In conclusion, for the ladies that don't bother to read any of the above, I do not condone rape. I merely want to change the overly-oppressive culture of rape accusation as well as acknowledge the fundamental motive for rape: the male desire for sex, not power.



                      • Posted By: stargazer22 @ 10/01/2009 4:09:03 PM

                        I take offense that you lumped me in with those who call names and write posts unworthy of rational discussion in this forum. I also disagree with your premise that rapists are just looking to reproduce. Are you actually trying to convince people that rapists just want to make a baby? Silliness..

                        • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 4:19:12 PM

                          When men want sex, do they always want to make a baby?

                          • Posted By: stargazer22 @ 10/01/2009 4:33:55 PM

                            "Rape is about about forced reproduction." Your words....

                            • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 6:58:45 PM

                              You are trying to unify a conscious knowledge of reproduction and a biological urge that instigates reproductive behaviors.

                              Rapists just want to have sex to satiate a sexual desire, but often enough (what, 5/30 for ovulation window in the absence of modern birth control), that results in pregnancy. Rape according to the modern definitions of "unwanted sex" or "sex that I regretted alter" was easily more prevalent fifty years ago and probably even more so during pre-agricultural times. That it does not occur more often today is a testament to the self-control of the modern man.

                • Posted By: Newton50 @ 09/30/2009 7:15:52 PM

                  I think Ian is bringing up a valuable "big picture" evolution/sociobiological explanation for why rape occurs. That's reasonable and it may further our understanding of why rape occurs. Good understanding is a virtue and will contribute to solving problems. Those who see Ians contribution as an apology for, or a collusion with rapists are barking up the wrong tree.

          • Posted By: Psienesis @ 09/29/2009 7:51:25 PM

            lolwut?

            Seriously, if you're taking that bit from a book, I feel I can definitively state either its author, or you, have crawled up your own fourth points of contact.

        • Posted By: boys are simple minded toys @ 09/30/2009 8:55:20 PM

          Oh Ian, you really are that much of a moron. Just accept your place in life already... and that's at the bottom. You're pathetic & powerless you poor ***.

          • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 3:24:50 PM

            boys are simple minded toys,

            Messages of this nature are against forum guidelines. Consider debating the topic instead of writing strings of personal insults.

      • Posted By: boys are simple minded toys @ 09/30/2009 8:45:42 PM

        Sounds like Ian is pissed off & overcompensating in life for what it is he lacks. Typical. And I do believe we all know what it is you're lacking Ian. Ha ha...

  • Posted By: mac101 @ 09/30/2009 7:58:00 PM

    "But what shocked me was the sheer complexity of women's psychology."

    Really, David. Were you working off the hypothesis that women are simple creatures, all driven by one or two motives, or did you think we were all just stupid?

    This is why male scientists shouldn't be researching women. Try researching something that will really enrich our scientific understanding - like why men continue to assume they are the smarter, stronger, less arrogant gender.

    • Posted By: Ian Blokesworth @ 10/01/2009 6:11:57 PM

      Would you prefer that male scientists stop all medical research and other areas of psychology that focus on women?

  • Posted By: Joe Zero @ 10/01/2009 5:28:40 PM

    I am a 73 year old Native in this land. I have never had sex with a physical being, but I am a male with normal sex drives. I direct my drives all to the whole world. Is this rape? Is this insanity. How would you know?

  • Posted By: Repubnomas @ 10/01/2009 3:31:19 PM

    THE FOLLOWING WAS CENSORED (ACTUALLY REMOVED) FROM THIS THREAD. ITS AUTHOR WAS A (YOUNG?) WOMAN WHO WAS AMONG THE BRIGHTEST AND WITTIEST OF POSTERS HERE. I DO NOT KNOW HER BUT ADMIRE HER. I DO NOT COMPREHEND ENTIRELY THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT SHE HAS SAID HER CENSORED POSTS, BUT IT IS EVIDENT SHE HAS AROUSED THE ENMITY OF SOMEONE AT NEWSWEEK.


    WHY DO THEY ALLOW ME TO POST IT (LATINO, i.e., male) AND CENSURE HER?

    OBVIOUSLY, THIS THREAD IS DYING ON THE VINE. YET HER POSTS RAISE IMPORTANT ISSUES IN FEMALE SEXUALITY THAT EVEN THE BOOK REVIEWED DARED NOT CONFRONT.

    DOES NEWSWEEK SEEK A THOUGHTFUL, INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION? YA' THINK?
    READ THE POSTS THEY PUBLISHED (MY RANTS INCLUDED) AND THINK AGAIN.

    WHATEVER, THIS POST WAS CENSORED. WHY?

    "Sex and power;sex being power. Women have the upper hand, so to speak, all the time, if they only knew what they had.

    When I was 15 I read the Story of O and got it. Never looked back. Men will die to believe they are masters. So I let them believe, and I let them die. And I give them life. I wrench the mastery from them and they give it to me without a whimper. So we both get what we were made to be: lovers, works of art and passion, and deeply fulfilled at that.

    Those who live are the only whole men I have ever known. Gentle, sweet, and cruel; ultimately slaves to ecstasy. Most women can't abide this. And many men are clueless. Most women have not known the pleasure and power I have known as a play toy. Most men do not know the difference between brutality and strength.

    I'll marry the man who can train me while I tame him. There are but a few billion of these who merely need a model and some languid afternoons. There is no loneliness for the woman who understands men. There is no crusty masturbation in cold, vacant, rooms for men who "get" women.

    Women afraid of women and men who hate men are sex starved children of self-loathing. Women afraid of men and men who hate women are darkness in the shadow of death.
    But then, the joy of paradox is not a fundamental gift. Some are repulsed by anything more complex than a boy missionary and his ever-flowering virgin. Thus, they never return to the original purity, the lush and fertile inner sanctum of the garden of Eve.

    The music is always in the exquisite tension. Mutual and titanic orgasm comes with a string pulled tight, just right, under the bow of a master.




    "Sex and power; sex being power."

    My meaning here is sex is the mutual and equitable exchange of power, of duende, the passion and joy of the great gift of being alive. The exquisite tango of human lovers.

    Re: The Story of O: this is not a textbook, not a primer, rather a delicious and startling appetizer. Must be read from the woman; it was written by a powerful and brilliant woman for her lover. It is less a manifesto than a prophetic amusement. Phenomenology.

    Read it also as revelation."

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