'What Seems Insurmountable is Not’

On Aug. 12, 2004 Dina McGreevey stood silently by her husband's side as former New Jersey governor James McGreevey announced at a press conference that he was "a gay American," and would resign from office after a sex scandal involving a former aide who threatened to blackmail him. She remained silent last year, when McGreevey published a best-selling memoir about his experiences and hit the talk-show circuit with his new partner, Australian businessman Mark O'Donnell. Now, it's her turn. The McGreeveys, who are divorcing, have sparred in court over financial and custody arrangements for their daughter Jacqueline, now 5. And the former First Lady of New Jersey has published her own version of life with Jim McGreevey, "Silent Partner: A Memoir of My Marriage." Dina Matos McGreevey, who lives in New Jersey and works for a health-care foundation, spoke with NEWSWEEK's Karen Breslau about her marriage, same-sex couples and political spin. Excerpts:

NEWSWEEK: When Jim McGreevey gave his "gay American" speech and you stood next to him with that pained smile on your face, the thing everyone wanted to know was "what is going through her mind?" What was?
Dina Matos McGreevey: Well, you know, it wasn't a smile. It was my attempt to keep it together and not fall apart in front of the cameras. I was literally in shock and in a fog.  I had had less than three days to process what was happening—he kept giving me the news in installments. I hadn't absorbed what had happened. I was really at war with myself, feeling pain and anger and also trying to figure out how to respond or how not to respond. I am frankly surprised I was able to stand there and not fall apart.

You write that prior to that speech, which you saw only two hours before you appeared at the press conference, he told you to conduct yourself like Jackie Kennedy?
[Laughs] Even as his world was crumbling and the walls were caving in, he was scripting the entire day. That speech, the line "I am a gay American," it was very well crafted.  He knew that was the soundbite everyone would pick up on. He was telling me to smile when he said certain words. That was what his whole life had been about; everything was scripted.

Your divorce has yet to be finalized. In recent court filings, Jim McGreevey states that you were aware that he was gay before your marriage. Is this true?
[Laughs] Obviously, it's not true. He did not say that in his book. He is now contradicting himself. Never in any interview did he say I knew. In fact, he said I didn't know. He acknowledged he told me only days before the announcement. He gave me the whole story in three installments; he started on Monday, with the news that he was being threatened with blackmail, and the next time we had a conversation was Wednesday evening, when he said he might be gay, that he was confused. Then, came the speech.  I guess he resolved his confusion in the time span of 24 hours.

At the time the story broke, it was said that the fact that Jim McGreevey was gay was the worst kept secret in New Jersey. How could you not have known?
I think there are a couple of answers. It's always a cliché, but the wife is always the last to know. No one is going to come up to the wife and say, "Your husband is gay." Second, when you are married to someone powerful, whether it's a politician or a CEO or a celebrity, there are always rumors and innuendo, If you chase those, you are not going to do anything else. Don't forget, while all this was going on, I was working full time, I had a baby. I had my responsibilities as First Lady; I had a mansion to renovate. I spent very little time in his surroundings; I was constantly on the go. It's interesting of course in hindsight, that a fax of all the news clips would come into my office every morning. Most of the time, his personal assistant would come in the morning and grab the clips off the fax machine—maybe they would grab them when they knew something was in the papers.

Looking back, would you say you were in some sort of denial?
No, I wouldn't. It wasn't the perfect marriage—I had issues, most of them were the issue of his secrets, especially the relationship, the secrecy surrounding the relationship with his ex-wife. I thought maybe they had rekindled something. But never did I suspect he was gay.

And, of course, the other thing everyone wants to know is what kind of sex life you had with your former husband.
It was normal. There were no red flags. Over the past few weeks, I've received so many letters and e-mails from people, who say, "I had the exact same experience." That is not always the tip-off that something is wrong.