'What Seems Insurmountable is Not’
You write that one of the places you went for help was to the Straight Spouse Network, an online support group for women—and men—who learn that their spouses are gay or lesbian. What did you get from this group?
The day after the press conference was the first time I had ever heard the term "straight spouse." I thought 'what does that mean?" I saw a TV interview on "Good Morning America" with the founder of the group, [sociologist] Amity Buxton, and another woman. It helped me realize the magnitude of the problem. I've seen numerous statistics; one says there are 2 million straight people married to someone who is gay.
I was recently at a cocktail party, there were 25-30 people in the room, and there were three of us [who had been in that situation]. I think the numbers are actually larger. I hear from people all the time who live with this secrecy.
Did it help you, getting counseling from this group?
I met with Amity Buxton a couple of weeks after the press conference. To talk to her and know she survived this made me realize there's a chance I'll survive this too.
It's more common than you might imagine. Maybe relief isn't the right word, but it gave me a sense of peace, [that] there's nothing wrong with me by not recognizing what was going on in my marriage.
The other person you went to for advice was Hillary Clinton. Was that an awkward conversation, one betrayed First Lady asking another how to handle her public humiliation?
She was very gracious. She was the only person who came to mind [who had] to deal with all the personal pain and having the media constantly looking for information, hounding you. My assistant called her office and she called back only a short time later. . She was very, very gracious. She said, "First of all you have to think of yourself and your daughter." That was the best advice I got. Knowing she survived, I can survive also.
Did she offer any other words of wisdom?
Her advice was, get your own counsel, don't rely on his advisers. She said, "No one else is going to take care of you. You've got to take care of yourself. She said you and your daughter are the most important." She offered to make herself available to me at any time.
Have you stayed in touch with her?
We've had a little contact by mail. But I haven't even had a chance to send her the book yet.
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Member Comments
Posted By: IslandNation @ 08/13/2008 3:15:33 AM
Comment:
Posted By: IslandNation @ 08/13/2008 2:24:27 AM
Comment: "I hope all gays will have those [legal] rights so that gay people can live authentic lives like everyone else. It should be the norm, not the exception. Then what happened to me wouldn't be happening to other people."
AGREED.
I have a gay father. No big deal now that they are divorced, but my childhood was more than unpleasant simply because my father was always lying to my mother, refusing consoling for fear of being exposed, etc, etc, etc. My mother entered a marriage out of love and with the intention of building a family. She didn't deserve what she got. By the same token, my father had almost 3 decades of sneaking around, lies, stress, etc that frankly he didn't deserve. He should have been able to live in a society and legal system which would have allowed him to have the partnership which would have made him happy. As to myself and my sibling - others had it worse with abusive fathers (ours was far from one), alcoholic parent(s), poverty, drug use and any number of ails which our parents / family didn't suffer from.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that neither of my parents deserved the marriage that they got.
Oh, and to any looking to read anything more into this post, please note that myself and my sibling both are happily married (in the male/female sense) with children, good jobs, etc. Neither of us is gay. Neither of us has ever had any interest in experimenting. In fact, perhaps as a result of watching our parents' pain, we have worked particularly hard on our own marriages.
But back to the starting point - everyone should have that right. It's the only way to protect them and others.