'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words

Before I lost my father, I was just as guilty of finding the silver lining of people's grief. If someone told me she lost her mother, I might say something like "She was sick for a very long time. It's good she's not suffering anymore." When a mourner hears nothing but these "silver linings," she begins to wonder why she can't find the good in the situation the way everyone else can. People want her to smile and agree that it's going to be OK, but she can't. Sometimes the death of a loved one becomes easier to accept with time. Sometimes it does not.

Condolences are some of the most difficult words to write or say. So it's natural that we freeze with writer's block when faced with such an immense task. As a college English teacher, I try to help students overcome writer's block by offering them structure. Writers often express themselves most freely when they know the rules of the genre in which they're writing. Here are my basic guidelines for mastering the Art of the Condolence:

1. Always begin directly and simply. "I am so sorry about your mother's death."

2. It's better to ask "How are you?" or "How are you feeling?" instead of telling someone how she should feel.

3. Never say "I can't imagine what you're going through." To me this translates as "This is too hard for me, I don't want to think about it."

4. Never give advice about how someone should get through the loss. Some mourners go to parties; others stay home with the shades drawn. Be open to the mourner's individual needs. Be open to the possibility that these needs will change day by day.