'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words

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Before I lost my father, I was just as guilty of finding the silver lining of people's grief. If someone told me she lost her mother, I might say something like "She was sick for a very long time. It's good she's not suffering anymore." When a mourner hears nothing but these "silver linings," she begins to wonder why she can't find the good in the situation the way everyone else can. People want her to smile and agree that it's going to be OK, but she can't. Sometimes the death of a loved one becomes easier to accept with time. Sometimes it does not.

Condolences are some of the most difficult words to write or say. So it's natural that we freeze with writer's block when faced with such an immense task. As a college English teacher, I try to help students overcome writer's block by offering them structure. Writers often express themselves most freely when they know the rules of the genre in which they're writing. Here are my basic guidelines for mastering the Art of the Condolence:

1. Always begin directly and simply. "I am so sorry about your mother's death."

2. It's better to ask "How are you?" or "How are you feeling?" instead of telling someone how she should feel.

3. Never say "I can't imagine what you're going through." To me this translates as "This is too hard for me, I don't want to think about it."

4. Never give advice about how someone should get through the loss. Some mourners go to parties; others stay home with the shades drawn. Be open to the mourner's individual needs. Be open to the possibility that these needs will change day by day.

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Posted By: aprilmaher @ 08/22/2008 4:11:55 PM

I'm so sorry.
Your message was loud and clear to me. My sister, was beautiful in body and soul and when she died of cancer in 3 months and 3 weeks, my grief took me places I never want to go again. Bottom line: I miss my sister. I will always be grateful to the people (strangers and friends alike) that let me say it, say it and say it again.
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Posted By: cepa @ 08/20/2008 8:22:10 PM

I just found your article and want to thank you for writing it. I am going through intense grief and have had two doctors tell me I need to go on antidepressants because it has been "long enough." My response, "To me it was just yesterday that my seventeen year old granddaughter died by suicide and I am not only grieving the fact that she died, but the many things that will never be. That list could take hundreds of pages to write."
Thanks,
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Posted By: ThisIsSunny @ 02/12/2008 2:32:41 PM

Thank you so much for writing this article. I agree with you that mourning takes time and should be left to the mourner's discretion how long--or even just how--it is done. No two people are the same, and everyone should have the privilege to decide on not only how to be happy, but also how to grieve. I, too, have experienced people doing that with me (in my case, it was after an intensive period of healing and personal growth in my life). Again, thank you for this article! I plan to share this with others.