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'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words

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5. If you want to offer something upbeat, share a funny anecdote or memory about the deceased that might bring a smile to the mourner's face.

How do we support people in mourning? We can learn from elephants. Elephants are known to grieve in groups; they loop trunks to support the bereaved. Like elephants, we should remain connected and open to mourners' sorrow longer than a two-hour memorial service. Grieving is private, but it can be public, too. We need to stop being afraid of public mourning. We need to be open to mourners. We need to look each other in the eye, and say "I am so sorry."

Decourcy Hinds lives in Brooklyn, N.Y.

© 2007

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Member Comments

  • Posted By: aprilmaher @ 08/22/2008 4:11:55 PM

    I'm so sorry.
    Your message was loud and clear to me. My sister, was beautiful in body and soul and when she died of cancer in 3 months and 3 weeks, my grief took me places I never want to go again. Bottom line: I miss my sister. I will always be grateful to the people (strangers and friends alike) that let me say it, say it and say it again.

  • Posted By: cepa @ 08/20/2008 8:22:10 PM

    I just found your article and want to thank you for writing it. I am going through intense grief and have had two doctors tell me I need to go on antidepressants because it has been "long enough." My response, "To me it was just yesterday that my seventeen year old granddaughter died by suicide and I am not only grieving the fact that she died, but the many things that will never be. That list could take hundreds of pages to write."
    Thanks,

  • Posted By: ThisIsSunny @ 02/12/2008 2:32:41 PM

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I agree with you that mourning takes time and should be left to the mourner's discretion how long--or even just how--it is done. No two people are the same, and everyone should have the privilege to decide on not only how to be happy, but also how to grieve. I, too, have experienced people doing that with me (in my case, it was after an intensive period of healing and personal growth in my life). Again, thank you for this article! I plan to share this with others.

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