Badge of Courage

Two years after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I decided to mark the occasion with a tattoo. I had survived treatment, I had negotiated the wild ride of posttreatment recovery, and it was time to do the slightly reckless thing I had always wanted to do, to say, "Yoo-hoo, still alive!"

Deciding on a spot was easy. It had to go above my ankle. The aging process has set in everywhere else. But what would it look like? What tattoo could I place on my body that would be with me for the rest of my hopefully long life? I was 44 years old, a wife and mother of two children, and while I was committed to the idea of taking what felt like a bold step, I also wanted to hang on to some shred of dignity.

Friends made suggestions. A rose. A tree. Something living to symbolize life, hope. Amy, a friend who is an observant Jew, at first tried to talk me out of it. "You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you get a tattoo," she argued. "Not my problem," I responded. Having failed to dissuade me, she settled down to ponder the dilemma of what to choose. Perhaps a tattoo of something Biblical, she suggested, like the dove that returned to Noah's ark with a tree branch, demonstrating that dry land was near. Hope. Life. Very tempting. But I didn't have that yes moment. This was a big decision, and I needed that all-caps YES.

Looking through pictures of tattoos, I discovered that people will ink the most amazing and atrocious things onto their bodies. A simple, well-placed question mark can mean so much. A ragged inscription can look so tawdry. I despaired of mustering the wit or inspiration needed for the occasion.

Lo Ann, the Vietnamese woman who cuts my hair—my hair therapist—gave the problem serious thought. "In my culture," she explained, "when people go through difficult times we give them pictures of boats or bridges to symbolize passage to a better place." Immediately I seized the idea of a bridge. Fittingly, the image evokes an ongoing, unpredictable journey. The cancer could return, and in any event, my life will certainly hold more challenges. I had my all-caps YES.

But what bridge? I examined pictures of bridges on the Internet. There were so many: bridges for backyard gardens, famous bridges, paintings of bridges, bridges from around the world. Should my choice be based on appearance or symbolic value?