Victoria Lautman, a single mother in Chicago, thinks of herself as a poster girl for the fortysomething divorced woman. At the moment, her 11-year-old son is the main man in her life. But she's definitely looking ahead. "At some point, when my son's a teenager, he's not going to need me," she says. "
If she actually believes her son won't need her when he is a teenager, she knows nothing of rearing a teenager. I pity her son.
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Many boomers just don't have a sense of danger about sex. They came of age before the HIV epidemic and never learned how to negotiate condom use or testing with their partners. In fact, women over 50 are at risk for developing HIV from heterosexual sex because their thinner vaginal walls are more susceptible to cuts and tears. Women of all ages represent the fastest-growing segment of new HIV cases, and the number of new infections among older women is rising rapidly: between 1988 and 2000, women's share of AIDS cases among those 50 and older nearly doubled, from 8.9 percent to 15 percent.
One day, Germana's younger girlfriend shared her tale with Barna, a frequent lunch companion. Despite the failure of her friend's relationship with Germana, Barna was intrigued. "There I was, alone, hearing about this really nice guy who takes care of his kids, works hard, who is close to my age, who somebody else thought was kind of boring. I thought, give me some of that boring. He sounds absolutely perfect." Because there were no hard feelings, the younger woman agreed to act as a facilitator, e-mailing pictures and asking Germana if he wanted to meet Barna. The answer was yes.
Six months later, Germana and Barna think of themselves as a serious couple. "This is a good person, a good man, and I'm very comfortable," says Barna. And the three-date rule? Not a problem. "At our age," says Barna, "if sex presents itself, if you're comfortable with your partner, why wait for three dates? Just go for it." Germana agrees that age shouldn't be a barrier, but having a full life in your 40s and 50s puts different strains on dating. "There are more pressures just from life itself," he says. "You are generally established at work, working hard, long hours, you have kids and family obligations—and just obligations in general." His daughters were troubled at first by his dating, and he thinks they were worried that he wouldn't spend enough time with them. But now he says things are OK. Barna says her adult son had no problem with her dating again. In fact, she believes he's happy for her. "He's probably thinking, 'I'm not going to have to take care of Mom'," she says, laughing. "Besides, I know he wants me to be happy." And for now, she is.
With Joan Raymond, Karen Springen, Pat Wingert, Anna Kuchment and Raina Kelley
© 2006
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