Yes, You Can Talk About This

What are the consequences of not talking about these things?
Communication is very important as a woman goes through cancer, whether about intimacy or anything else. Many couples don't talk about sex, but just "do it." Now is the time for the conversation to start. A man may not approach his wife or partner sexually during and after cancer treatment because he is afraid of hurting her or pushing her to become intimate before she is ready. She may misinterpret this lack of approach as rejection of her new body. Misreading your partner's thoughts about your new body can be devastating to your relationship and your self-esteem. Better to have the conversation than to not know what your partner is thinking. The couple may have to rewrite their "sexual script" or the way they make love. If foreplay before cancer included fondling of breasts, but a woman's breasts are now missing or numb, the couple may need to change this aspect of intercourse. They can still enjoy each other intimately, but they need to talk about how to enjoy their intimate times together differently. If a woman doesn't tell her partner what works and what doesn't work now, they will both be miserable and their physical and emotional relationship may fade away.

How does a woman start to fix this problem?
When a woman says she'd "rather read a book," we tell her to "read the right book!" A woman's sexual desire begins in her mind, unlike a man's, and she must purposely begin thinking about lovemaking again. She needs to re-ignite the flame she felt before cancer. She can set the stage with whatever makes her feel romantic and desirable. She can order special lingerie to hide an ostomy bag or scars she may have if this will help her feel special. We offer resource links in our book. She also must communicate with her partner about what feels good and what doesn't, since her cancer treatment. If talking about sex is difficult, she can begin the conversation with a letter. She may choose to explore new erogenous zones on her own first and then let her partner know what works.

Can you give us a few practical solutions to some of the most common complaints?
In short, spontaneity may have to be replaced by some fore-planning!! Couples may need to schedule "dates." Try to schedule some uninterrupted time for intimacy during the day or evening when you are least tired. Even if you and your partner share intimacy without sexual intercourse, the flame is being rekindled, and can reignite that side of your relationship. For the dry, thin vagina: lubricate, lubricate, lubricate! Replens (a vaginal moisturizer) and Astroglide (a lubricant) are good products to try first to help you avoid injury and successfully enjoy pain-free sexual contact. If the vagina is too tight, you may want to try using dilators, which are available online or through your Ob-Gyn. But be sure to ask your doctor first before trying dilators. To keep vaginal tissue healthy, it is imperative that you keep blood flowing to the area. "Use it or lose it" is true. Vaginal stimulation and orgasm are two excellent ways to keep blood flowing to the tissue.

Do you think that eventually, most cancer survivors can get to a better place sexually than they were at the start of their disease?
Absolutely! Many women report their sex lives are better than ever after cancer treatment. But it won't happen automatically. You have to communicate, explore, and be open to rewriting your sexual script. It's a wonderful way to celebrate your life! It's important for each of us who have had cancer to decide to thrive, rather than just survive the disease.

Is the secret to this learning to love yourself so others can love you, too?
Yes, and perhaps it is also about allowing, or inviting, your partner, or future partner if you are single, to love you the way you are now. Accepting the new you, the new way your body functions and looks, and the new outlook on life you have as a result of your cancer experience, can all work together to create a deeper, more intimate relationship. But it takes some effort. Your partner, and others, will likely follow your lead.

© 2007