You and Your Quirky Kid
The girl who wears her clothes inside out, the boy who loves plumbing. What parents and experts say about the children who just don't fit in.
At a recent pre-school musical, my son was to stand single file onstage with 13 classmates and perform "Let's All Sing Like the Birdies Sing" while flapping the wings of his bright yellow canary suit. As the other kids sang, fidgeted or stood there, stunned by the audience, he broke ranks and began marching to his own tune. He spun, then stomped, then shimmied his way out of line as if responding to several different styles of music no one else could hear. Seemingly unfazed by the crowd of parents seated before him, he wandered about the stage, shouting his own improvisational lyrics (something about babies and broccoli), which were picked up by a nearby mike and broadcast throughout the auditorium. As the other parents laughed, I vacillated between feelings of pride (my son's such an individual!) and fear (why is he so different?).
Because, even at 4, it's clear my son is different. On the playground, he's bonded far more with one particular tricycle than with any classmate, and during circle time he's the only child who consistently wanders off to inspect the pipes under the sink or play with the push broom. His unconventional behavior may not sound like a big deal—and it wasn't, until some well-meaning educators noticed my son's quirks and asked if he'd ever been diagnosed.
But just how do you determine the difference between a nonconformist kid and a child with more serious issues that may need to be addressed? Previous generations of parents could embrace, or overlook, their child's tics, quirks or eccentric personalities much more freely than the moms and dads of today. If their daughter was reading "Moby-Dick" by first grade, she was gifted. If their toddler wasn't talking by 2, he'd likely catch up by kindergarten. Even pediatricians were far less versed in things like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and the autism-spectrum disorders, which didn't start showing up on their radar screens until the '80s and early '90s. But today we know so much more about how the brain functions, what causes some unusual behavior and how a child can really benefit from early intervention, that we're obligated as "good parents" to have our children's peculiarities evaluated. (Of course, there is no mistaking the more severe forms of autism for quirkiness.) It can mean running a toddler through a bevy of experts—pediatric neurologists, speech pathologists, behavioral psychologists, socialization experts—before he's out of training pants. More and more, kids who once would have been considered slightly out of step with their peers are emerging with diagnoses of sensory-integration dysfunction, dyspraxia and pervasive developmental disorder, to name a few. In past decades, autism was thought to occur in about one child in 2,000. Today, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that one in 150 kids has an autism-spectrum disorder. And just last week, a new study found that the number of kids in the United States younger than 20 receiving a diagnosis of bipolar disorder had soared from about 18,000 in 1994 to an estimated 800,000 in 2003.
So what do we do about the eighth grader who alienates peers with his obsessive talk of baroque architecture, or the 6-year-old who'd rather spend recess talking to the hamster than playing dress-up with her classmates? Is it possible we shouldn't do anything? "Of course it is a source of deep sorrow when it is obvious that a youngster can never lead 'a normal life' because of special needs," says Dr. Elizabeth Berger, a child and adolescent psychiatrist whose books include "Raising Kids With Character." "All the same, there is something amiss when every mother is susceptible to fears whether or not this week's fashionable diagnosis applies to her child. There is something unexamined in our thinking when we elevate the need for normalcy to a state of spiritual grace, and live under a constant anxiety that we fail to measure up to its demands."
If we examine ourselves and those around us—the husband who shuns picnics because he can't stand the texture of grass, the co-worker who can't get along without those billion organic remedies on her desk—we have to admit that everyone, to some extent, is odd. The terms "normal" and "abnormal" are subjective—words whose interpretations can be as varied as the people who speak them. So when we worry about our kids' strange behavior, is it because they deviate from our own expectations of what life should be like for a "well-adjusted" 5-, 7- or 12 year-old, or is it because that little person in front of us seems to struggling way more than she should? "Parents need to ask themselves, Is this making him unhappy or just making me unhappy?" says Dr. Perri Klass, pediatrician and coauthor of "Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn't Fit In—When to Worry and When Not to Worry." "Is he having a perfectly good time in school, but he's not interested in the things the other kids are interested in? Or is he desperately trying to be part of something but doesn't seem to understand how? I'm not talking about a child who's a developmental emergency, I'm talking about the kid who's different."
According to Klass and her coauthor, Dr. Eileen Costello, skewed development, temperamental extremes and social complications are the hallmarks of so-called quirky kids. They define this enigmatic and varied group in their book as children with developmental variations: kids who don't talk on time or, alternately, "talk constantly but never seem to get their point across"; kids who have rigid routines or throw "nuclear tantrums"; toddlers who keep to themselves "while the rest of the playgroup lives up to its name."
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Member Comments
Posted By: ghkcole @ 12/27/2007 4:08:12 PM
Comment: I could have written this story myself about my son, a 3 1/2 year old who misses each milestone by a step and a half, then meets it the minute you think he won't, but adds a new "quirk" right about the same time. My article might have been longer, and included sections on parental issues such as guilt and financial stresses, but it would have had pretty much the same take -- my kid is different, but does that really have to be so dire? I mean, our school seems completely freaked out by him. As his exhausted mother, I certainly can empathize that he is a demanding child, but I also happen to teach at the school he goes to, and have for 12 years -- I've taught lots of demanding, exhausting children. I always thought it came with the territory. Some days are harder than others, and I eagerly seek a diagnosis with the admittedly naive hope that it will come with some help, guidance, solutions.... other days, like ones on which my boy meets some previously elusive milestone, I think, give me a break, he's a weird kid and I'm cool with that. Do I really need to spend every spare dollar, minute, vacation day, and bit of head space consulting every OT, PT, psychologist and developmental pediatrician in town just to confirm that, yep, he's a quirky boy alright? Aren't things tough enough already?
Posted By: perm3800a @ 10/31/2007 3:39:30 PM
Comment: Once upon a time, eccentrics were either burned at the stake or venerated as the town character. Then we all decided that we wanted to live in a giant suburb where everyone and everything was the same and put labels on the folks who didn't match, much like home owner associations deciding the appropriate color for garage doors.
Bentley thinks three dimensionally. This is one reason why he can build complex things but has problems with math (which tends to be linear, until you get to trig, anyway.) He needs an integrated approach. Perhaps some of those computer disks that let you walk through Notre Dame Cathedral along with showing the equations that describe the supportive force of a flying buttress? For reading, try "How Things Work" and other such books that render the three dimensional into words. Let him 'act out' word problems when doing his homework - use a few toy cars and some blocks to workout "A car leaves town center heading north and turns right after four miles. Another leaves town center heading south and turns left after four miles. After an additional eight miles of travel, each car makes a right turn and travels one mile. How far apart are the two cars?"
The jokes thing will get better. I know I could never understand puns as a child, even though I read at a college level by age 11. I get them, now, though still don't find them funny! You can play role playing games with him where you play the robot and he has to work out what you mean without any signals except the words, you play a mime and he has to work out the meaning without hearing any words, etc. to teach him how to key in on things. Over time, he will acquire 'protective coloration' where he will learn to appear as if he is interested and listening to others and make appropriate social noises. It might not happen until his thirties, though!
I would recommend giving him bigger 3D projects that require him to climb and lift and balance to encourage him to get more exercise and I would also suggest that you discourage him from satisfying his need for sensory stimulation with food. Food is an amazing stimulator: smells good, feels good in the mouth, provides a comforting heaviness in the abdomen, prov ides the perfect excuse for not conversing or making eye contact with others...what a crutch! But it can cripple over time by decreasing heart function, lung function, desensitising the body to insulin and clogging the arteries. A good scramble through a maze or up a rock wall.
You might also consider getting Bentley a dog. Learning to read the dog's facial expressions and what the dog wants or needs when a dog can't speak may help Bentley better communicate with his peers.At age nine, he is old enough to be responsible for the care, walking and feeding of a dog. Walking the dog will also help walk off some of the excess calories from his passion for food!
!
Posted By: gardnerreb @ 10/25/2007 6:25:28 AM
Comment: I have been trying to "peg" my son's quirky behaviors since toddler years. Bentley is 9 and when we go anywhere, he talks about architecture and details about building and when in Target, wants to go wee the coffee maker and washing machines before the Knex toys(the only toys he likes, besides legos) . He can draw in perspective and has sinne age 4. He struggles in Math, especially word problems. He is so sweet, sensitive and does not pick up on some social things, sarcasm, jokes and sometimes says things that cam be "rude" to the average person. His intentions are quite the oppposite. He loves family and food. He is a bit overweight, and i am sure he gets teased, but does not always see or pick up on the poiniting and laughing. He has 3 step siblings whom are great w/ him, they like all siblings don't always want him aroung, but they get him and always allow him to just be. My heart aches for him, and i wnat to build his confidence for this sometimes difficult and harsh world all kids learn to live life , I struggle w/ my "selfish" mother way of he needs friends and to get involved, when Benltey says to me " I don't want friends"....I want to start a meet group or discussion group for kids and parents w/ same lifestyes as my family...anyone can help or offer any wisdom I would love it. Rebecca Asheville NC regardner@hotmail.com